waves of life

New Year's FUN!

2012-01-20T10:43:00.002-07:00

Hello friends out there in the cyber world. Or maybe I should friend. I decided on a day at the computer that I would write a small survey and send it to myself and my friends. So far I've heard back from two friends. Such dedicated souls. Here are my answers discussing years past and years to com!

1. What is one thing you would work harder on this year that you did last year?

Just being more motivated in everything I do. I want to work hard at getting a job, apply to go back to school, get back into swimming with a team and train for at least one tri and maybe a running race or two. I would also like to be better about sending mail to people--especially thank you notes and birthday cards. I always send birthday cards when it's people's half birthday and they probably think I am so dumb.

2. What is one thing you are happy with that you would keep doing the
same from last year to this year?

Just enjoying the little things. Although not having a steady job is sometimes stressful (esp in the bank dept), I really enjoy the days I have off and I always feel like it's nice that I don't have to be at work five days a week 7-4...I also think I'm pretty happy with my friends in regards of how I keep in touch with them. I am happy with eating cheese as well. I think I will continue it into the new year even though I should probably stop eating it considering my pants are getting a bit tight...

3. If you had to choose one year to go back and re-live (without
changing anything) what would it be? Why?

Wow, great question. That's a hard one. I think I would either go back to my senior year of high school or the year I spent in Japan. I feel like I did a lot of growing and exploring who I am. I wrote every single day both of those years and it is really interesting to go back and see how even my writing changes as the year goes on. I feel like both of these years increased my confidence as a person and helped me grow into myself. The difference was that senior year I didn't really realize it until later where as in Japan I was growing and knowing. Haha. But yeah, I was knowing how this was helping me grow as the year went on and I did some of the best writing I've ever done because I was in such a sensitive spot. I also did some of the best beer drinking I've ever done. It really was quite impressive how much I drank.

4. Name three events in your life that forever changed you. Have any
of these been in the past year?

I can't pick just three. So how about six:
1. Japan
2. Crossfit
3. i have. i give. and Big Brothers Big Sisters
4. Falling in love
5. Swimming/Coaching
6. Subbing/Teaching

Well some these things have gone into this past year. But not all of them. Why didn't you ask how these events changed you? The person who wrote this needs to think about their questions a little better.

5. What age are you most looking forward to? Why?

As much as I don't want to rush the time by and as much as I love love love being 25, I am excited for 35. I hope to be married by then and having or thinking about having a baby. I think that is super exciting! I am also excited for when I am 90 because that will mean I am still alive. And that's pretty exciting after all that beer I drank in Japan.

6. Look back on 2002. Were the pivotal people in your life then still
the most important to you now? How many people since then have you met
that have influenced you in a way you will never forget?

Ah, ten years ago. 16 was a fun age. Well, I guess I was almost 16. At this time I was planning for my super sweet sixteen where I rented out a warehouse and threw a fit the whole night because the acrobats were late. Just kidding. I remember for my birthday we rented a limo that took us to The Melting Pot where we feasted and then we came back and I opened presents. I was a sophomore so I was swimming on varsity that year but I still wasn't super close with the girls I would get to know by the end of my high school swimming. My best friends at my party are people that I sometimes see on facebook except Ashley G, Kristin and obviously I am still very close with both of them!

Since then the people I have met who've influenced me is a great amount. I will not disclose names over this highly popular blog.

And obviously my family but I met them before I was 16 and probably a few others I am forgetting. That's a lot of people who have influenced me, and I'm sure many more are to come!

7. What was your favorite moment(s) from last year. So far this year
what have your favorite moments been?

Last year my favorite moments were going to St. Kitts and Belize (well technically that was the year before last), I always loved going skiing and staying up in the mtns with friends. Matt and Ashley's wedding was a great moment, going on walks around the park with Ashley, having long chats with Ang, Lauren, Ash and Kristin, Rockies games, Broncos games and even Nuggets games, lots of good moments with Caleb, concerts--John Butler Trio, Skylab, Decadence, Savoy, holidays of course, reading the night before Christmas with my mom and my aunts on Christmas eve, watching football with my dad, talking with my cousins in our bunk room before we go to bed, skyping with Japan friends and my bro, dancing with friends and alone :), late nights ordering DP dough or out at the bar, coaching, writing and I always love reading a good book in the hot sun (usually while I get paid!) and every time I ate cheese. So far this year my favorite moments have been the Broncos game I went to, relaxing on the weekends, Decadence and the dance party after that, last Friday night where I went skinny dipping on the lawn, had a threesome (in French), I think I broke the law but I'd do it all again. Probably next Friday night. Just kidding that is stolen from a terrible artist with a terrible song. Last Friday night was fun because I went to dinner with a really cute guy who I have a big crush on and then I was able to sing during karaoke and then dance the night away. I did regret it the next day but it was still a great memory. That's about all for now. I think more memories are to come. I think. But I could be wrong.

8. Look forward to 2022. What would you like your life to look like?
Where are you living? Whom with? What kind of job do you have? Kids?
Pets? Are you still doing anything the same that you are doing now?
What do you do for fun? Are you truly happy?

This question is a little scary to me because I am not really sure where I will be. Ideally I would love to have a kid or two and be married to the love of my life and live somewhere that is refreshing and invigorating. Either in Colorado or by the beach. I would like to still be friends with all my friends now and have a few more. I would like to be teaching, coaching and in the summer relaxing with my kids. By this time I hope to have had lots of summers to work and then go do some volunteer work around the world with my husband (maybe when the kids are older during the summer and they could be at camp for a few weeks). I would like to have two dogs and be happy and healthy. I would like to keep swimming in the mornings and the other days when I can riding my bike and running, maybe sticking to my one or two triathlon goal per year. I would like to be doing charity work when I can and being a good mother and example for my kids as well as a good wife. I want to never grow old and boring and I always want to be trying something new and exciting. I will be firm but loving with my kids and if they are good I will take them on spontaneous day trips! I would like to still go out with my friends as much as I can and go hiking and it would be great if my "I Heat Tuna" book is in the works of being published. I would like to write for a health magazine or a swimming one. That would be cool. If all of this worked out I wouldn't have to teach probably but we'll see if I would still want to do it. I want to be the life of the party, the voice of reason and a good example for all of those around me!

9. List three New Year's Resolutions you have this year.

1. Get in shape before Ashley's wedding
2. Apply to grad school
3. Be completely present everywhere I am

10. Name one thing that you think would be out of your comfort zone
but you would be willing to try in the next year.

Bungee jumping or shark diving. Or just getting a normal job.

11. Name one thing you have always wanted to do but just haven't
gotten around to it yet that you would really like to do this year.

Get my ear pierced, get a tattoo, squat 215 lbs, go to Austin, black flip off the diving board, write in my blog three times a week, make a new friend or two, give up meat for a little bit (maybe a month), run a 8 min mile, swim a 56.0 100 Free. (I realize that is a lot more than one thing. I just couldn't narrow it down. Sorry! Geeze!)

12. Name a crazy, hilarious. scary, adventurous, nerve racking or just
ridiculous thing that you would probably never do but if you were to
lose your mind this might be the year to do it in.

Give up cheese! No, I couldn't do it. How about apply for the JET programme again! Ah! Crazy! Hilarious! Scary! Adventurous! Nerve racking! Ridiculous! I would never do it! But if I were this would be the year to do it in if I decided to!

Happy New Year!

The Time Jessica Actually Wrote in Her Blog. By Jessica

2011-12-15T10:31:00.003-07:00

As usual it has been many moons since my last post. But after reading my dear friend, Lauren's blog I decided I could at least start to shoo away my writer's block by starting with a simple exercise that asks questions about everyday life and feelings. And if I can't write by answering these questions I don't really know if I can consider writing one of my strong points anymore. I mean all I have to do is tell the truth and everyone knows I can't even lie for the life of me. So here I go, taking the step to get writing again. Now that winter break is starting I will have loads of time! So much I will be able to write maybe two, three maybe even four times a day! Ok, well that is a lie. I don't think that would even be healthy. So here goes a fun exercise stolen from Lauren who stole from someone else. Tis the world we live in.

watching: About to be watching a grip of seventh graders. The first one fist pumped when he saw I was here. I guess I better crack the whip before they think I'm all bunnies and rainbows.

eating: My salmon and coffee. Which you might think is a weird combination in which case you might think that brussel sprouts, carrots, salmon and coffee is even more weird but it is actually really delicious. Did I mention this is all room temp since I took it out of my fridge 4 hours ago? Did I also mention it's not even eleven in the morning? At least my coffee is hot.

drinking: I already told you. Geeze, don't you listen? A cappuccino from Panera. It really is hitting the spot right now.

wearing: Well as it turns out the same outfit from last night at the bars minus the pants. I am wearing school pants that are gray plaid, so please don't report me to the substitutebadoutfit hotline. It seems to be a good school outfit. I was quite excited when I realized I could wear it because it meant I didn't even have to change once I put it back on at my boyfriend's house. The mental relief of this was pretty significant because along with this I also remembered my leftover salmon which means I didn't have to rush around getting an outfit and lunch together, and instead I can focus on remembering everything for the swim meet I am coaching later. Unfortunately, I forgot my clip board (I can't find it actually) as well as my stop watch. Besides my tennis shoes and shirt those were the two most important things I would need to be a decent high school swim coach. The thought of being ill-prepared usually makes me, well, ill. At least I remembered to bring a fork AND a spoon today. It's the little things in life.

avoiding: So many things. But mostly getting insanely ripped. I just can't decide if the work is worth the benefit.

feeling: Pretty good, thanks. Hopeful the future will bring me hot sex and an early bedtime. A girl can dream.

missing: My friends in far away lands like Australia, Connecticut, Oregon, Texas, South Africa and Japan. I also miss my youth. The days of childhood frivolity are long since past and my heart yearns for them like a druggie yearns for his crack cocaine.

thankful: Personally I think this should say thankful for: like that. Because thankful by itself just means pure thankful. Which I am. So I guess I can just keep it as is. It looks like I didn't even need to write anything. Don't you hate when people just write and write and write and write and write for really no purpose at all?

weather: It's pretty nice out I'd say. I wore a scarf to school so still a bit chilly. Which is probably to be expected since it's December. Which means I should probably stop yelling cuss words into the air when it's cold. On a good note the kids of the town now have a very colorful vocabulary.

needing: money, fame, a thin body, a master's degree, to finish my scrapbook, and mostly just love. That's all we really need isn't it? Didn't the Beatles make that pretty clear?

thinking: Yes, I am thinking. I'm glad someone assumed so. Usually it is questionable but there are occasions where I am. OH! You were asking WHAT I was thinking. Why didn't you just say so?! I am thinking about puppies, school, New Year's Eve, Christmas, sex, drugs, alcohol, swimming, running, biking, texting, kissing, hugging, laughing, college, money (or lack thereof), boys (well, one in particular), friends, family (let it be known that these are in no particular order), skiing, snowshoeing, horses, shopping, manicure, pedicure, hair, gym, my painful toe, writing, reading, cleaning, sleeping, dancing, crickets (there are a bunch in this classroom--in a container thank goodness, and they are f-ing annoying!), scuba diving, the beach, tanning, cuddling, Family Guy, House, Christmas movies, abs, Japan, airplanes, time.

loving: Life.
And scene.

Snow Day!

2011-11-02T12:07:00.004-06:00

Pretending I work really hard everyday as a real life teacher, I am going to generate the same enthusiasm an everyday teacher feels when they get the call that school has been cancelled because of a snow day. And today is that day! SNOW DAY! What is unfortunate is that I am not a real teacher so I actually haven't worked all week and I have no real teacher friends that I could hang out with. Well, except my mom and my brother. Maybe I should give them a call. So honestly, this is just another day at home where I give myself the old "its too cold to go outside but I should just get over it because I live in Colorado and I can't be a big willy so now I should feel guilty about not getting things done" thought process. So here I am on another non-working day with little motivation to go out into what you see in that picture. Maybe my motivation will really strike up if I make a list. Lists always perk me up, so here goes.

Things to do during a snow day:

1. If you had to work the beginning of the week then you can celebrate the fact that you are not working today

2. Go back to sleep until at least lunch time

3. Make a big, warm breakfast with a nice hot drink

4. Catch up on some terrible daytime TV

5. Clean around your abode

6. Blog a little

7. Check your bank account and realize you probably should stay in because going out would just cause you to spend money you don't have

8. Think about going to the gym

9. Wish your friends would ditch work

10. Try to see who isn't working so you can figure out something

11. Realize there is really no one not working and even if they aren't you would have to go into that wintery not-so wonderland

12. Call your mom

13. Call your grandma

14. Make a dance video from one of today's hottest jams

15. Read through old journals

16. Watch the travel channel for way too long

17. Look at old pictures

18. Think about the good old days

19. Think about what to do this weekend

20. Check the weather

21. Watch the Food Network

22. Call some friends

23. Take a nap

24. Watch some YouTube videos from Lord of the Dance

25. Take a stab at being your very own Lord of the Dance

26. Watch a million Sex and the City episodes you've already seen

27. Paint your nails

28. Do some sit-ups

29. Try your hand at yoga

30. Decide that maybe you yoga isn't really your thing

31. Realize you've really done a good job of wasting time and now the day is over

32. Go to bed.
*Please note that all items listed were not all performed on one specific snow day, rather dispersed over years of snow days, days not working, days spent sick, days when it was too hot to go out, days when it was too rainy to go out, days when the mood didn't strike to go out, weekends when others were all on vacations or the writer was on a vacation in a boring place with no human interaction*
**Also please note that now that this is posting a day late two items should be added to the list that the author actually DID do and not just think about doing:
33. Help your boyfriend set mouse traps, clean his room (which included finding a few of your belongings you thought you would never see again after last spring as well as the floor of his room and his closet)
34. Eat Chipotle
35. Watch Cars 2
36. Decide that snow days are overrated and take a job with bratty middle schoolers for the last two days of the week.**

Happy snow day!

Tips for a safe and successful Halloween season

2011-10-21T12:20:00.003-06:00

Since All Hallow's Eve is right around the corner I have been racking my brain about what I should be for Halloween. I have also been telling myself it is ok to eat lots of candy because it is that time of year. So I thought this would be a great time to make a list! I haven't done one of my lists in so long that you would have to archive all the way back to college to find one on here that is even remotely entertaining. Now that All Hallow's Eve is approaching at a scarily rapid speed here goes nothing! (not that I'm promising this is going to be remotely entertaining)

31 things to do to make for a safe and successful Halloween season:

1. Think about what you can be for Halloween

2. Tell yourself you will come up with something before then so not to stress

3. Get stressed anyway because your costume has to be just as good or better than last year
4. Continue to feel stressed, yet still do nothing about it. Well, maybe a google search of "Halloween Costumes" to get ideas

5. Get annoyed that you could find nothing and then deem google an unworthy search site.
6. Plan a haunted party

7. Realize it's going to cost a lot to make things actually look haunted--no one believes the old "sheet over your body" as a ghost anymore. I mean, it's the 2000s now.

8. Give yourself a pat on the back for at least thinking about it--you really did have good intentions

9. Go to a haunted house

10. Leave the haunted house realizing you just paid way too much money for people with make-up to yell in your face

11. Also realize as you're leaving that you just waited in line for over an hour and got through the actual haunted house in less than ten minutes

12. Laugh at life's little ironies and tell your friends you can't wait to do it again next year

13. Get into the spirit and decorate your house! (do not stand on glass tables no matter how badly you want to hang flags with pictures of cute little pumpkins from your ceiling)

14. Paint some pumpkins and get high from the spray paint fumes. Then you can laugh in a silly manner about nothing at all really

15. Set it on your stoop for all the world to see

16. Hope it doesn't rot before All Hallow's Eve actually comes

17. Watch scary movies and later extremely regret it

18. Hope your new tired state (since you can't sleep at night after all those scary movies) won't hinder your costume search

19. Wonder when everyone else suddenly came up with great costume ideas

20. Think about that haunted house again, realizing you can actually do it for free

21. Have people pose creepily in random places as your guests arrive. Once the guests have been frightened, have them join in the creepy posing. Make sure to have old school organ music playing the the background and no lights except candlelight.

22. Reminisce about the good old days when you used to trade candy after trick-or-treating
23. Also reminisce about how getting candy from your neighbors was the biggest day of the month. Realize that would still be a pretty big day.

24. Think about other Hallow's Eves you can barely remember because jungle juice sounded better than candy

25. Wonder what happened to all your old costumes

26. Look ferociously until giving up and buying a new one (when you finally do figure out what you'll be)

27. Become disgusted with American society for spending so much money on one silly day that holds no real meaning

28. Admit you are just as American as the rest of them and go by yourself some more candy

29. Don't make a costume that is too tricky to take off just in case you get lucky later that night

30. Or maybe, after all that candy you ate this month you should be a mummy--by the time you get all those layers off the other person will have probably passed out. Thanks to Hershey's, it will be for the best.

31. Remember this is a time of festive frivolity and there is no need to get stressed out. But if you do, just grab some chocolate, that always calms the nerves.

Happy Haunting!

BOO!

A Blink of School Life

2011-10-19T12:58:00.001-06:00

The bell frightens me as it dings loudly, singling the end of this period and seven minutes until the next. Seven minutes until the calm serenity is sucked out of this room and replaced with loud annoyances. A day like this I wonder why I wanted to be a teacher. Yet, as the room fills with teenagers I am reminded once again. Their energy seems to fill me with my own and I am instantly ready for whatever the day may bring. I am nearing the end of my short two and a half week stay in these challenging classes, and weirdly enough I am getting sad. This feeling has caught me completely and utterly off guard because the first three days I was here I thought I would never be able to make it through. My seventh period was going to eat me alive. I would never be able to teach them the materials right--after all it is science. I guess I should just be glad it's not math. I went home exhausted after the first week, wondering how I was going to make it through the next two weeks. Yet here I am, almost there and wondering what my next step is going to be.

I have been subbing for three years. Sometimes I see the same classes, sometimes the students remember me, but mostly I am a nameless sub and they are all nameless students. I do my best to be fair, to be stern and to be me. They seem to like me enough, yet as the bell rings and they dash home I am forgotten, as they are for me. Emptiness slowly filled me. Not over a day or a week or even a year, but as the third year began, I realized how hollow I had become. I was just a replacement. And if I couldn't fill in they would find another replacement. I have no responsibility, no knowledge of what I teach, no relationship with the students. Although sad, after school I was glad I could leave at the same time as the students, glad I could visit coffee shops during my off periods and read book or write, glad that I never had to take home a single thing to grade. My nights were me time--free time. I could do whatever I wanted on the weekends. I could even take a trip and not have to worry about missing days, I made my own schedule after all. Yet with all of these things that I love, all of the freedom and time, I still wasn't fulfilled. The hole was still growing.

It wasn't until I landed this two and a half week science job at my old high school did I realize what I had been missing all along. Students saying, "Hi Ms. D! Bye Ms. D! Thanks Ms. D!" (well, they say my full name, but for blog purposes I will just leave it at that). Students recognizing me when they walk in, talking to me about their life, feeling comfortable in my classroom. No more "Oh we have a sub today?" Or "Who are you?" No more just nodding and smiling at teachers in the hall. Now I could stop and talk to them, laugh in an office with them, get to actually know them and learn from them. I didn't even care if students wanted to come in for help (well, if they ever did) because I didn't mind helping them. I actually wanted to help them. I was beginning to feel good about my decision to be a teacher again. I wasn't wavering in the right and wrong, I was happy with the responsibility of grading and figuring out plans. I was happy with anything that would actually give me a name. I was happy not just being "the sub". Of course there were the challenging students that made me happy I didn't have to stay past this week. But even they couldn't take away this new fulfillment I had. Even they couldn't turn me away from this job. I wasn't going to let them defeat me, I was going to let them challenge me, test me and make me the best teacher I could be. Now, if only I had a little more time!

But as things always do, this job will soon be coming to an end. My freedom will return to me in the form of fall break where I will jump joyously throughout the town until the week is up when I realize that I no longer have a place at this school. Or any school for that matter. From there I can sadly sink into myself or know that sometimes that's just the way things go. And I will do everything I can to get back into my own classroom someday, to get back to where students know me and I know them, to get back to my true passion. Each day is a step in the right direction, even if I am a nameless sub, I have to know it will all work itself out someday. Well, maybe it won't magically work itself out, I'm sure I'll have to do some work :)

A few of my favorite things: SCUBA DIVING

2011-09-14T22:19:00.005-06:00

Only in my dreams have I experienced what I experience when I dive. It is unlike anything I can even begin to explain. I have always been attracted to water and even more so to the ocean. I love the sounds, the smells the feel of the sea. I love the salt on your skin all day and the weightless feeling of bobbing up and down in the waves even long after you have left them. What I love even more is the complete and quite calm you feel when you are underwater. It is the escape from the world of air breathers, and escape from the noise of life.

The minute I put the regulator in my mouth at scuba lessons I knew there would be no going back. It was the water and me. I listened to my steady breaths as I floated underwater for longer than I ever had; so completely peaceful. Little did I know what it would really be like when I got out of a pool and into the ocean. My first dive was in Australia and my heart seemed to be doing flips the minute my flippers touched the water. I was ecstatic when I saw one fish and then two and pretty soon the calm and quite ocean was teeming with amazing life. I was in another world. A world I could not be more curious about, a world I immediately feel in love with. Since then I have dove off the coasts of St. Kitts and Belize and each dive was different, unique and completely breath taking in its own way. I've seen more marine life than I could ever see in a tank at an aquarium and I know this is just the beginning of my diving experiences. I have even seen a proposal while diving of two of my best friends! I wish I could meet the person who invented scuba diving and give them a hardy handshake because they did a splendid job. It fills my soul to the brim each time I go and I am left with memories that keep it full for many-a high tide to come!

Here are a few of my favorite things

2011-09-14T16:09:00.006-06:00

As I have said before, my soul is never more full than when I am with the people I love. Here are most of them (a few of my gems are left out) at my birthday dinner, an old one of my dad's side of the family and an even older, weirder one of my mom's side. I am so fortunate to have such a wonderful group of people constantly surrounding me, pushing me to be my best, inspiring me and just loving me for all that I am and all that I am not. They have given me everything I need to become who I am today and no one has ever doubted my potential or thought I couldn't do anthing I put my mind to. Thank you to all of you who have left footprints in my heart forever! I will never know how to ever repay all the love I have felt from each and every one of these people in my lifetime.

The Journey to Beauty

2011-08-28T15:03:00.004-06:00

My memories can be a bright place, full of happiness and fondness. They can also become a dark place, a reminder of things lost or never to be had again. Sometimes I become overwhelmed by that thought. How we can never go back to how things once were. It almost haunts me. My dreams taunt me with this notion--it swirls in my head more often lately than it has in a long time. I am sometimes a victim to its harsh ways and I surrender easily. Other times I am simply reminded that I am human and raw emotion is the best way to truly feel alive. This thought leads to the simple fact that I am still here, I am living as best as I know how and it is just time to make new memories. Other times this thought leads me into a place I pull myself away from. A place I don't like to go. But there are times when I just cannot fight it anymore. I love what once was. I love what is. I love what will be. But because I know that true love I felt for what once was and I am unsure of the others, I cling to that. I find I must pull myself out before I drown in it. I must learn from this and take it with me to what will be. But it can surely become a heavier burden than I intended. I ache to keep it with me, I ache to let it go. There are times when I am not sure what to do so I just let the tears fall in hopes that they will drain out my cloudy thoughts and wash away the confusion written on my face.

With change comes growth, undoubtedly, every time. In the end, what are we if we don't grow? What are we if we cannot come out stronger from the struggle of change? What are we if we cannot amaze ourselves with our ability to truly live. What are we if it doesn't phase us, confuse us or just rattle us straight to the core? Of course the past is comforting because we have been there--for it is all we know. Of course the future is frightening because the unknown is always that way. And of course we feel the pangs of leaving behind something familiar, something so comfortable. But with those pangs of hurt, confusion, despair come new ones of exploration, growth, confidence, fulfillment. With it comes the pieces that help make you who you are, that make you more complete, more real, more ready to give back and be able to look in the mirror at someone who you can be completely and utterly proud of. Everyone has the ability to do more than they think they can. The human potential is limitless and we have so much to offer one another. I just need to remember this myself, remember that I can be more than I even imagine my best self as. I can walk tall and take the memories I've had with me as a testament of where I've been, and keep an open mind as a testament to where I am going. This journey of life can be what you make it, but if you don't believe in yourself, if you don't realize it's beauty it will not be what it was intended to be. And it can be the greatest thing the universe has ever seen.

Still Filling...

2011-08-07T17:49:00.002-06:00

One of these days--a day in the very near future--I am going to miss this peace I am experiencing right now.

I am at my aunt and uncle's place (we'll just say it's a "place") in Steamboat. It's late afternoon, the trees sway with the wind as the sunlight peaks its way through the large bay windows. I hear the hum of the fridge and my parents talking softly on the deck. Next to me I have the most current book I'm reading in case I decide to find a quite nook to go read. Jet-Puffed marshmallows taunt me, but I can wait because of all of the junk I've eaten on this vacation weekend. Later I will roast them. Now I just need to digest.

I've had a peaceful day of hiking and relaxing afterwards but sometimes too much serenity leads me into the labyrinth of my own thoughts--a hard place to find an exit to. I like to think about life--especially when all the things in it are so wonderful. But when they should be and they just aren't, well I can't really say thinking is my favorite pastime. Right now I guess the best thing to have in my thought bubble is a big, huge question mark. Which is ok for now. But I think that question mark has hovered there longer than I would have liked and now I'm just plain annoyed with it.

I think its me. I think too much about me but don't spend enough time with me. Or on me. Its much easier to think about what's going on this weekend or who's doing what now rather than what I need to be doing to get ahead in the world. I have a very hard time with the future. I can imagine what I want, but I cannot picture the steps I need to take to get there. So I just continue with what's easy--the present and what I feel like doing now. It's a very tricky spot to be in, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

Take for instance my last blog entry. I read it to my mom as I will every so often (after all she is my biggest fan:) and as usual she loved it. But there was one thing missing she said. I couldn't think about what it could be. She said, what about making someone else happy? Does that hold a place in your soul? I was ashamed. How could I forget that? I told her of course, I should add that. I should put that making others happy is one of the things that fills me. Its not just about me being happy. But I had to think, am I really that selfish? How did I forget seeing my friend laugh, or two people hug? How could I forget seeing the joy in a mother's eyes as she sees her child for the first time in a long time or the sight of all your friends laughing together? How could I forget that seeing my friends or family excited is one of the things that gets me most excited? How would that not fill me? Well, in all honesty it does. Completely and utterly these things fill me. Their happiness fuels mine and I'm sure it's vice versa. I love being around those I love and if anyone knows me they know that I have trouble NOT being around those people. They sometimes have to tell me to go home and have quiet time because they are sick of me! Not really, but maybe they think that :)

In truth I know that there is nothing in this world more important than relationships. We need each other and I think I almost get lost in that world. I know I do. I just want to fill and be filled with the people around me. But I must remember that even if I want to play with my friends all day I do need to think about me and what is going to help me in the future. Even if it means I can't play with my friends right that minute, maybe this step will help me to play with them even more later!

This post is all over the place, which wasn't my intention but always seems to be the outcome. I have no idea where I even started with this. I will take this time to say I'm going to get out of the tangles of my ratty thoughts and go find a nice place to read about other people's ratty thoughts!

I am filled by those around me. My soul will never be more full than when I am with the people I love.

Feeding My Soul

2011-08-04T12:43:00.002-06:00

Lately I have been doing everything under the sun (and yes I do mean under the sun--its been a hot summer) besides doing one of the true things that feeds my soul--writing. Not only have I abandened my dear blog, but I have left my journal collecting dust. Even my books creak when I open them. I have spent too much time feeding my stomach and trying to fill my heart and in the mean time I let my soul starve. Here's the thing about starving your soul--if you let it starve for too long you may no longer have one at all. It takes a long time for a soul to truly whither away, though. Like I'm talking about years of solitute. Luckily I have just been ignoring it for a handful of months now. But I can feel its hunger. I can almost hear the thirsty moans. My guilt grows slowly inside of me each day I let pass without giving so much of a scrape of creative inspiration to my poor soul. Well starve no longer, soul, it's time for you to feast! I have a long weekend ahead of me where I plan to do little more than read and write and spend quality time with my family. Nothing feeds the soul better than that!

So when someone says, your soul is hungry, what do you feed it? Do you know the answer? I now know mine:
I feed it a good, real, deep conversation--something that gets to the root of someone. I feed it a rich dose of writing, the kind that digs at you, challenges you, and makes you feel accomplished when you're finally finished. I feed it the outdoors--nature at its purest. Sunny skies, quiet serenity. I feed it a real, I love you so much kind of hug. I feed it diving into someone's eyes, getting lost within them. I feed it deep down belly laughter. The kind that makes you cry and leaves you feeling full. I feed it exploration, finding something that moves the core of you. I feed it heart pounding love. I feed it the wind wipping through my hair, sun on my skin, running through a field kind of breathlessness. I feed it the smell of fresh soil, the sight of flowers poking their way through. I feed it the waft of a burger on the grill on a comfortable summer night, the company of loved ones all around. I feed it music that makes it dance and sway, cradling it gently in its comfortable melodies. I feed it capturing a perfect moment and harnessing that feeling to bring out when it is heavy. I feed it a good, real and truly touching book. Something that can never leave your mind. Something that shapes your thought. I feed it the touch of someone's hand, the smile from someone you know loves you so much it is bursting within them. I feed it water. Lots and lots of water. Water to drink and and replenish, water to dive in and refresh, water to fall down and revive. I feed it something bigger than me, than all of us, I feed it the confidence to know that it is safe within those hands. I feed it life, for there is nothing greater to feed the soul, nothing greater to know how truly nourished a soul can be within the beauty of my body, within the beauty of this earth.

The Challenge

2011-04-15T12:55:00.003-06:00

The Challenge: Paleo Diet (aka caveman diet)

Do NOT consume these things:

Wheat of any kind (Bread, pasta, cereal, crackers...)

Dairy

Sugar

Alcohol

Period of time: 26 days

Challenge status: 11 days in

15 days left

Number of times cheated at current challenge time: 4 (one bite of cheese cake, one bite of cheese, half and half in coffee, sugar in coffee)

Energy levels: High

Weight number: Going down, pants fitting better, looking more toned

Will power: Moderately Strong

Challenge difficulty: Extremely difficult.

Percentage thought and talked about in daily life: 85%

Friends who are sick of hearing about how everything I can't eat sounds so good: 100%

Coupled with 3-4 days of CrossFit workout/ other type of cardio

Desired goal: 6 lbs lost, 3 inches around waist, newly discovered sense of self worth and will power!

Helpful hints: Friends doing it with you is HUGE. Taking it one day at a time. Knowing you can be the MASTA OF YOUR OWN DESTINYYYYY!!

Obviously this was not my idea of a good time nor was I really excited to do it. Yet the way I feel and the changes I can see make me want to keep this up for the whole month if not longer. I feel like this is a good lifestyle change--I can cook more, eat more diverse and healthy foods and just feel better ALL of the time. It's amazing how much more energetic I feel for longer periods of time and how I have no stomach aches ever! Opposed to the two to three I got daily before. Obviously I can't continue to be this strict with this forever, but I do think that it can be implemented in every day life much more easily than I originally predicted. I've never dieted before or kept myself from eating anything ever, but for the first time I finally feel like I have a handle on my eating and I'm in control of what goes in my mouth. Temporary satisfaction is just that--temporary and it does nothing for you in the long run. I've realized that with all of the food I turned down, once the initial sadness of not being able to eat it ended (after about 12 seconds), I didn't really care and I never gave another thought to it. And it worked out for me in the long run! It always sounds good and it's always one of those things "I should try someday", but actually doing it is not only a good feeling physically, it's a great feeling mentally. I even feel more at peace emotionally. Not to say its always been as smooth sailing as it sounds now. In fact, the first 5-7 days were almost torture to me and without having really realized it--I definitely went through a pretty big de-tox stage. I was really, really hungry, I was grumpy, I was easily upset, I was craving everything I couldn't have at all moments of the day, I was ridding myself of the toxins my body had built up and I had no idea. Now I am at the point where I've realized I haven't felt this good in a long time (minus the sickness I seemed to get along with beginning this) and surprisingly I continue to feel peaceful and and purified.

So there is my revelation. It's pretty straight forward and seems pretty simple as well as obvious that all these things would occur when not eating shitty foods but it's one of those things that I just had to try to truly believe. Go figure.

Eating well to live well. It actually works :)

Will you take the challenge? Go ahead, I dare you.

Remix!

2011-03-29T18:20:00.003-06:00

Bike riding season has begun again. And not just bike riding season. Baseball season is in two days, the flowers are starting to bloom, I see green grass sprouting up, I see more people out, the patios filling up on the sunny days and talk about outdoor plans had increased ten fold. Although it's not even April yet I can't help but join the spring fever that has slowly started to creep over Denver. I have a few more days of skiing in me, though so I am one foot in winter and one foot in spring as I reach towards summer. I can't be reaching too far, for I don't want to hurt myself when I get snowed on again. Colorado does do that on occasion that I must keep in mind.

With the new season brings up new goals and new inspiration for things that were long forgotten over the winter...like cleaning. I really have a lot to do. Somehow things get way too dusty way too fast. Dust usually doesn't bother me until it is piling up in corners, forming mini army of dust balls against me. Then I get a little grossed out. Besides battling dust balls, spring break is a good time for me to reorganize and revamp. I need to get geared up for job searching as well as the dreaded swim suit shopping. Hopefully with my 20 day no carbs, dairy (no cheese!), sugar or alcohol I can get a jump start on that as well as get a mental grip on food intake and health in general. Spring break is also a good time for me to relax and rejuvenate. and REmix my sound track to life. All these "re's" you would think I would really need a re-start! So here's to getting shit done, living it up and enjoying the season of rebirth!!

Limitless Potential

2011-03-18T12:22:00.001-06:00

My heart fills with overwhelming sadness when I watch videos about the tsunami in Japan. It breaks when I read about the nuclear power plant. Natural disasters are always awful and heartwrenching, yet I have not been affected by one like I am with this one. Maybe because I know that as a whole Japan is so conscious of their environment. Maybe because I know as a whole Japan is kind to their neighbor. Maybe because I know that Japan does not deserve this. Maybe because I know that it is going to be one of the worst tragedies that country has experienced in years. I want to help--I know we are going to try, but I wish that my efforts could make a big enough difference. I want to take away the sadness in the hearts of the millions who have lost loved ones, I want to rewind and delete the whole disaster. But if we could do that we would have used that for about everything like this. If we could do that no one would experience pain, heartbreak or sorrow. If we could do that no one would ever grow into a better person, no one would ever have the need to build character because they would continually be rewinding something bad to make it better. We would not develop as a race or as emotional beings. I have no idea who we would become but I suspect it would not be pretty or virtuous. I would be very afraid to meet that race that does not experience pain for they would be something of a monster to us I'm sure.

Think of yourself as person and the struggles that you would have done anything to take back at the time. The pain that you felt wasn't worth it then--you would trade it for anything. But look at yourself now. Look at how far you have come, what you did to take that pain and deal with it, turn it into something positive and become a better person because of it in the long run. The process may have been long, it may still be happening but many times our blessings are disguised at the time and become something more than we ever thought they could.

I like life because of that. I also hate life because of that. Doing something that I don't want to do has always been really hard for me. Forcing myself to do something I don't really want to do NOW is even harder for some reason. I think its because I know what I want and I'm not getting it so the thought of a detour is making me cringe. But I like to believe it builds character. If not let me be ignorant to it, for I will live in that state peacefully.

Not to say that natural disasters are really the same as emotional disasters but I do think there are various levels of human strength that are put to the test in both scenarios. To me, it is absolutely incredible what the human mind and body are capable of. Whether it be bad or good, it cannot be argued that humans are indeed incredible. Many of us cannot believe stories of individuals overcoming incredible struggles, hardships, tragedies and pain but if we were in the same position would we have no choice but to do the same? The main goal most likely is to live life and many will go through the unimaginable to do it.

I sit in awe as I watch he struggles of this world--just in disbelief that people can continue on after what has happened to them. How do they not just lay down and give up? Of course that is the easy way out. The coward's road and too many people have come too far to become chopped liver, no matter what is happening to them at the moment. As someone random once said, "Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Live above expectations even if they are your own, for there is no telling what you are capable of until do what you never thought was possible. Push yourself into the zone where "can't" is a foreign word, where you can look back with pride and say, "wow, I did that".

Not intentionally getting all philosophical here, but I have recently begun to realize that there are so many things we can do and so many times where we stop ourselves short of our own potential. I am a perfect example of that and it would be tragic to think that I might have lived a half life if I did not begin to realize this now. Our potential is limitless. Except if we try to fly--that is physically impossible and will end in severe injury or death. Unless you are a professional hang glider. Even still, death is a large possibility.

I know that people can survive hell and I hope that they can do more than just survive, but right now, with all that is going on in the world a small hope of survival can bring light to the dark and eventually become a larger path for hope and eventually taking in the true beauty that is life.

From steps behind to steps ahead

2011-01-26T14:23:00.003-07:00

Sometimes reading through my old posts will inspire me to write a new post. A lot of the time I hope that it will make up for the terrible writings of my past. Usually it doesn't but at least you can't say I didn't at least TRY.

So I went back through some old college posts as well a some Japan posts and what is the craziest thing is how much I was so focused on what was happening right then at the minute. And how now, I barely even remember certain things that seemed like such a big deal at the time. Yet here I am again so focused on life that is my own little world that when I look back I will just laugh because I can't even remember that bad class I had one day or how so and so said this and that. Such is life I suppose.

I had a post a few years ago. Right about the halfway mark in Japan. I was gearing up to go on break to see my family in Thailand and I made a little question/answer thing for myself. What I have decided to do is take those questions and answer them now to see if anything has changed. Then, I did it around the new year. Now, I am just going to focus on from last Jan. to this Jan.--a year's span. Ok? Is that ok with everyone?! I hope so, cause I'm gonna do what I want. Nothing new there, though.

1. What is the most exciting thing you did this year?

Any one of my adventures. I think hiking up the volcano crater in St. Kitts was pretty exciting, or anyone of my scuba diving trips.

2. Look back one year ago. What were you doing this week in 2010?

Once again, good question. I think I was doing around the same thing I am now. I really wasn't subbing as much so most likely swimming and getting excited about the 80s ski party that was around this time...

3. What are three important realizations you have come to in the past year?

1. Life is full of surprises

2. I am an independent person, yet I cannot survive without others around me

3. I can be so much more if I really put my mind to it

What is something you have struggled with this past year?

This answer doesn't necessarily differ that much from the one I wrote in 2008. I want to find out who I am and what I want to do with my life. Turning 25 this year made me realize that although I am somewhat close to my career, I am so far away from actually living within myself comfortably. I am strong and confident, yet there are lots of times I falter in what I should be doing with my life and how I should going about doing it. I have also begun to realize that I am not too young to start thinking about my future personally--who I am now vs. who I want to be in five or ten years. Scary as it is people around me are beginning the new stages of life; more and more people are getting married and thinking about how they are going to one day support a family. I can't say that these thoughts haven't crossed my mind and although they are no where in the near future, I can't help but wonder how things will eventually turn out. Let's hope I can not live in a shack by the river.

What are three things you regret from 2010?

1. Decisions while imbibing certain beverages

2. Not being strong enough when it comes to certain things...

3. Not doing enough for others

What are you proud of from 2010?

1. Moving into my own apartment

2. Setting goals that I actually achieved (moving, working more, deserving a vacation, trying new things...)

3. Feeling a sense of self worth (joining i have. i give, helping with CrossFit, feeling good about who I am)

What is your major resolution for this year?

Get a real job, apply to grad school!! (in 2008 I said do more, be more which could essentially be a goal for my whole life. I figured I've gotten a start on that but I need to start taking bigger steps than I have been)

So there it is, the same survey a few years later. It is interesting to see how I have grown within myself and where I still struggle with things. As I look back I am mostly happy with things I have done and as I look ahead I am excited for what it is to come. Sometimes it is a little scary to go into the future so blindly, but there is no other way to do it. Trusting yourself and taking the leap is the first step in welcoming the unknown with open arms!

CHEESE

2011-01-20T12:46:00.003-07:00

Lately I feel as though my writing has been as crazy as a barn full of angry bees. Or something like that. My brain has been to outer space and back only to shoot back up there again. So I thought I would give myself a more structured assignment, but after a minute of thinking I realized I can't think about a topic. UNTIL...

I remembered my friend texted me this morning and told me it was National Cheese Day! Well not only did that excite me but it also made me frustrated because no one has been talking about it at all! I bet people in Wisconsin knew. But no one here was even looking forward to it. Either way I was very happy that without even knowing it I did these things:

Ate a bite of a piece of cheese as the first thing I ate this morning

Put extra cheese on my sandwich

Had one of those Ritz spreadable cheese snacks around ten when I was starving

I always knew I had a strong bond with cheese but this is something more than that. This is like a cosmic sign telling me that cheese and I are one. That I could not live without it. There is one type of cheese I do not like and I honestly feel bad about it (Swiss). I wish I liked it but I just don't.

I wish I had a story of my first love with cheese but it was surely before I even remember. I do remember thinking a hunk of butter was cheese and cutting off a huge piece and sticking it in my mouth only to quickly realize that it wasn't cheese. Too embarrassed to admit what I had just done I slowly swallowed the butter and bowed my head in shame. Or something dramatic like that. Cheese is my blame for not having a skinny butt. Cheese is my blame for the thousands of stomach aches I have endured over my lifetime. Cheese is even to blame for my lovely barf during CrossFit last week (don't worry it was in the toilet). Cheese is the reason for my newly found grocery store excitement. Now that King Soopers has cheese samples I am always excited to go for a little shopping trip.

Simply put, cheese makes me happy. So happy cheese day to all you cheesy cheese lovers out there. It is surely a great day in our nation's history.

Mmmm. Cheese.

Rolling Wheels

2011-01-19T12:14:00.005-07:00

As my last post stated I'm not going to sit around and wait for things to happen, I'm going to take things into my own hands! I have decided along with the mundane life of subbing I needed to add a little purpose to my life. Subbing is not exactly my dream job--just trying to get connections so I can achieve my actual dream job. I am loving the laid back style of it because when I'm outta there I'm done. I don't have any work to do, but that leaves me with a little more time on my hands than I really knew what to do with. Until recently I have filled it mostly with working out and friends. Now I feel like I am filling it with something a little more that relates to what I want to really do in life--make a difference.

So first things first: i have. i give.

We are a non profit organization that is simply what is sounds like. You give what you have. If you have time you can give that, if you have hair give that, if you have blood, well gosh darn it--go and give it away! We have collected donations for various groups/organizations, put on events and gone to volunteer. Although this is not necessarily my ultimate DREAM it is a huge part of who I want to become. I want the world to grow not only for me but for people around me. I want to meet people who are giving what they have, I want to inspire others who want to do it but don't exactly know how to go about doing it. I want to be part of something bigger. Life gets busy and it is easy to get caught up in what you feel you have to do. But I have realized that it means so much more and you feel so much more full filled if you give to others. It's a new thing for me--a learning process because although I haven't been greedy with my things or my lifestyle I haven't necessarily been GIVING. So here we go the start of something that will hopefully be a huge movement someday :) http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/I-have-I-give/103863413009307
http://ihaveigive.blogspot.com/
Next thing: CrossFit Conquer

CrossFit is something different than I have ever done. I've swam my whole life, I've played (or tried to play) just about every sport out there, I've lifted, I've biked and ran and trained for a triathlon. I've skied and snowboarded, I've snowshoed and surfed and out of all of these things nothing has made me as out of breath as the 15 minutes I'm working out at CrossFit. Literally--the workouts are between six and twenty minutes but they are at such a high intensity you will find you are more tired after six minutes of a CrossFit workout than thirty on a treadmill. Recently I have gotten into this after a friend told me to try it out. I love the fact that there is a small number of people doing the same workout as me, I love that there is always a coach right there to push you when you need it. So I jumped on the CrossFit train and hopefully it will be something I see benefits from--physically and mentally. I have started to rep it to others because somehow I am now the marketing/event planner for the one near my house. Although daunting I am ready to take on this responsibility and make it so this CrossFit Conquer can grow and eventually become bigger than it even is now. This way I am able to get a workout as well as help the people who started this make it into what they envision. Again--giving what I have (time and maybe a little bit of social skills?) http://www.crossfitconquer.com/crossfit-conquer/

My true love: Writing

Now, this may seem obvious since I already have a blog. My blog is not really my passion. I mean, yes writing is my passion but this is just a soundboard for something more. Now this isn't really a new obsession and it has been put on the backboard for a long time, but I am thinking seriously about getting into some sort of writing job where I can write articles for whoever will take me. Since I have yet to really look into that, that is something that is beginning to come front and center in my brain. But my true dream is to write a book. My first idea is a book about me. I've had my doubts about this because my life isn't really the crazy jumping into the ocean off 500 foot rocks and swimming to Africa type of life--but I have had encouragement from those around me that I could write something worth reading. My strength? Humor. Well, hopefully. I could write a book about myself and make it lighthearted and funny. For the most part. There are surely things in my life that although not funny at the time, are undoubtedly hilarious now. We will have to see. So far I've only begun what may be a very long process.

In the future:
Teaching English. Obviously this is what I've wanted to do for longer than I can remember. I can't wait to actually get the in the classroom and explore the challenges and rewards with being a high school (or even middle school) English teacher.
Coaching swimming. This I have started on a smaller scale. I have coached summer leagues and loved it more than just about an other job I've had. Someday my dream would be to start a swim team like my old coach did and take swimmers on training trips to the beach. That is my biggest dream right now--but also one that is most far away.

Other things that should be on the list:
Scrap booking--I love it, I've started one, I got distracted and stopped. I need to finish it because it is close to my heart and my year in Japan has become a big part of me that I would like to share with anyone who will listen. http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/ (a look into Japan and other travels)

Skiing--I'm making it a goal to go up at least 20 times this season. So far I'm at three so we'll see how I do. I would really love to get those turns down so I can sail down the mountain smoothly!

Swimming--Recently I haven't been in the water just because I don't belong to a gym with a pool anymore. Plus I'm kind of in the mood to take a break from it for a little bit while I focus on other things. No doubt this will be my lifelong sport though.

Biking--Last spring/summer I really got into road biking. I love to be able to explore on my bike and even more than that I love going with others who like to bike. It's nice to get out there and enjoy the day while getting a work out. What I would LOVE is to get a mountain bike and take it up to the foothills this summer. THAT would be something I would really love to try out. It's unrealistic because I don't have the money for a bike like that but a girl can dream, right?

Traveling: This is something I know I will love the rest of my life. Whether it be to the mountains or across the world, traveling is something that sets me free. I have been so fortunate to go visit friends in Boston, New York, Oregon, Connecticut, and St. Kitts as well as experience the beauty of Florida, North Carolina, San Diego, Hawaii, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, Belize, Canada and Australia. Even road trips to places like North Dakota have appealed to me because it is something new and exciting. I have a list of the places I want to go and the things I want to do and although it is expensive if you really want something you can do it. My future plans involve teaching abroad again, this time during the summer somewhere in Europe. A lot of international schools hire for about an eight week period and this is something I would love to do. And way down the line, maybe in five years, I want to go to Africa for part of the summer. I want to spend a good amount of time over there doing what I can to help out. I know this is an expensive and far off goal, but I know that if I put it in my head I will be able to achieve it someday.

Closer goals involve:
Fight for Air http://www.lungusa.org/pledge-events/co/denver-climb/
Running a 5k
Training for a triathlon
Planning for a big event with i have. i give. at the end of the SUMMA!
Definitely go white water rafting at some point this summer

PLUS...
Writing more
Hanging out with my brother (even if he doesn't want to hang out with me)
Sending more mail to those who live oh so far
Exploring my area more
Working as much as possible
Applying for jobs (that should be number one on the list)
Calling my grandma more
Seeing people I don't see that much more
Keeping in touch with people far away
Cooking more
Planning a theme party or two :)

Whew! I have A LOT to do now that I look at it. Sheesh. I better get started on something. We'll take one step at a time and I will go update my resume right now and re-submit it to the school district that needs it. Then I can get going on just about everything I just listed.

Time to get those wheels rolling!

Blog Barf

2011-01-17T22:57:00.005-07:00

Every one to three minutes a new song pops into my head. Here has been the last ten minutes:

1. 99 bottles of beer on the wall
2. Runaway by Kanye West
3. That I'm so excited song
4. Peanut butter jelly time (with a baseball bat)
5. Why Can't We Be Friends
6. Here we go again...I kinda wanna be more friends
7. It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
8. I'm a Motherfucker on a Motorcycle (that's all the lyrics I know to that one)

So here I am singing ridiculous songs in my head as I sit at my computer on this lazy Monday night. I probably should have tried harder to work out today but seeing as that it was good old MLK day I thought I deserved the day off for all of the great things I have done along with MLK. I woke up with a tangent of thoughts that quickly dissipated but at least they started strong. Here are some of the things I thought about today starting from the beginning:

1. NO SCHOOL!
2. I probably wouldn't have worked anyway considering it's the day after my birthday and after all my hard work of eating and drinking this weekend, I deserve a day off.
3. I wish I could hypnotize people in real life like I did in my dream
4. I have nothing to eat for breakfast. Except eggs which are beginning to gross me out. I think I overdid it on the eggs last month.
And other various thoughts that involved food, friends, boys, food and boys again.

So I guess my thoughts aren't really anything riveting these days but I have also been on staycation for about two years right now so any day now I will be back in real life mode and have real thoughts. Yep. Any. Day. Now.

So my weekend was everything I wanted and more. I am kind of a...well, princess when it comes to my birthday. I don't really mean for it to be that way, it just happens that I want to be around all the people I love. I mean isn't that what our birthdays are anyway? A celebration of life? And what would my life be without my friends and family? So since my fam took the weekend to participate in activities OTHER than my birthday, my friends stepped up to the plate (and I get to celebrate MORE with the fam later!). There were so many times where I would look around at all the smiling faces and just be so grateful these wonderful people are in my life. It makes me so happy to see people happy and therefore this weekend was a successfully happy one! We did lots of eating and being merry and my birthday wish came true--I wanted to just be with people all weekend. Which I was, seriously. I spent a few hours cleaning on Saturday morning and then about an hour getting ready by myself. The rest of the time I was with people. Seriously, until it was 12:01 and people told me I really needed to shut up about it being my birthday because it was over. That was a sad moment. And now I am in my mid twenties. OH SWEET JESUS. I am 25. That is the first time I've written it. It took me a few minutes staring at the screen before I could even manage those numbers together.

The thing is I remember turning 16 so well. And feeling so old. And thinking the world would stay that way forever. And then being 21 and so excited. And turning 23 in Japan and having the poop surprised out of me. And then before you know it you are 25 in your own apartment and your own personality and life and hopes and dreams and weird songs stuck in your head and you find yourself thinking, how the hell did it all go so fast? Where is the slow motion button? Looking ahead has become our custom here in mid twenties land--we reflect for a moment's time and then the moment is gone as fast as it came and we are looking forward to the next time we are going to a party or the mountains or dinner or a trip and before you know it THAT is already over and you tell your friend, "weren't we just saying how far away that seemed and now it's OVER?" and just shaking your head because that's life and there is nothing else to say about it. Breathe (that was a run on sentence so if you were reading that out loud for some really weird reason you really would need to breathe). That's all you can really do is shake your head. That's probably why my dad is always shaking his head. He just can't believe he's in his sixties and life went so magnificently fast. Or because he doesn't like any of the food on the menu and he can't believe there is honestly nothing that he would even consider eating.

It's weird how I sit here sometimes and wish I had a roommate. I don't think I get bored that quickly, I can occupy myself just fine (Japan taught that) but maybe I am lonely in the other sense of the word. I am ready for some companionship in the form of a sexy, seductive male. I can admit that and I don't feel one bit bad about it. The problem is, where is he? Truthfully, I know what I want but sometimes what you want isn't what wants you and even though your heart breaks because of it you can't sit around and twiddle your thumbs waiting for life to happen. What I am trying to say here is life is all around. It is happening right in front of us and it is hard sometimes to really look it straight on and say "Hi life, how the heck are you?" I want to be more clear about my muddled writings, but what I am really trying to do is tie in the last paragraph with this one and doing a bloody awful job at it. Chaps.

Try again.

OK.Simply put I want to shake people and tell them to open their eyes to what is right in front of them. I want to shake myself into something greater than I have been. I want to know that even though time isn't really waiting up for me, I can still try and catch it. I can make the most of it. I can sing weird songs faster than I ever have before to come up with some sort of brilliant symphony of thoughts. I can't figure it out. I can't keep up, I want to slow down and I still eat cheese even though it hurts my stomach. Put simply

I
JUST
DON'T
KNOW.

That's ok to me for now. I don't have to know. I don't have to have the secrets of Jessica or the secrets of life or even the secrets of the days figured out. I just have to acknowledge there is SOMETHING that I am working towards. There is SOMETHING great coming. There is SOMETHING more out there. And I can't just sit and wait for that something to fall into my lap.

I have never been one to listen to myself or take advice from myself, or really others. I like to think I do but most of the time my random acts of wants and needs and just inner head chaos just get right in the way like a tall guy with a fat head at the movie theatre. What a jerk.

So at least the thought begins to roll around in my brain. That is a start (really, for me that is). So I will just take what I can for myself right here and go with that. Positive thinking for a positive life! Yes, I should write a book. That would surely need and editor because this makes no sense and if you are still reading this I want to shake your hand because you made it through a lot of confusion and at least TWO really bad run on sentences.

PERIOD.

Can you Belize it?

2011-01-03T12:47:00.000-07:00

Short of Breath

2011-01-03T12:46:00.001-07:00

I think there should be a condition for the feeling you get at the end of a really great vacation. Like post-vacation depression. It should be a medical condition in which the only cure is more vacation! I guess the problem would be never really be solved then, but I still think the feeling should at least be acknowledged.

Today is technically my first non vacation day although I didn't get any sub calls because people don't want a sub on the first day back. So I guess I'm still on vacation! Yet this vacation seems worlds away from the one I was only just two short weeks ago.

I have ventured to the Caribbean and Central America and back to the Rocky Mountains since then and like all wonderful vacations I never wanted it to end. The weather, the people, the food and the ocean are all things I could get used to down there--it was truly beautiful in so many ways. I tried and figure out what I did to deserve 16 days in paradise as I sat on the beach one day listening to the distant motor of a boat and the palm trees that flapped together sounding like bird's wings. The beauty overwhelmed me and in certain moments of life it can actually take your breath away. I know it's happened to me several times just on this trip.

My first short of break experience was when we hiked to the top of a volcano rim where you felt as though you could taste the view it was so abundantly luscious. We sat in the clouds that day listening to our voices bounce off the tree tops and eventually fade away into the memory of the earth. Later we ran back down the mountain splashing up the rich Caribbean mud created from the rain that began to fall right as we made our way back. This time it was our laughter that echoed through the trees. My breath was taken away once again when I swam through a school of bright yellow-tailed snappers and down into a ship resting at its grave. Soon after I watched as two of my friends beamed through their regulators after they agreed to get married thirty feet underwater, proving that true love can happen anywhere even without words filling the air. My breath was taken away once again by the sheer awesomeness of the sky and the many different roles it can play. Sunsets and sunrises never failed to amaze me as I would watch the sky blushing from a light pink to a deep magenta. Clouds rolled in and out harnessing the colors to create even more of a spectacle. At night the starts were so plentiful and so bright I felt as though this must be some kind of far off dream--for nothing is this deeply pure in real life. From the glowing rich colors of the fish and coral to the blazing sky to the warm ocean breeze to the hot sun on my body to the ancient ruins of a mysterious culture, to the the rich, tropical jungle, to the smiles of the people I love around me, my appreciation for life and its beauty never stopped growing. It is hard now to believe that I was thinking all this as I sat on the beach as I type in my sweatshirt while there is snow resting on my doorstep right outside. It is also hard to believe that I didn't need some sort of figurative CPR for all the times my breath was taken away!

Some moments you just want to bottle up and keep for a day where nothing seems to be going your way. Some moments you wish you could replay like a video and watch. Some moments you just want to keep that feeling forever. Yet you cannot live in a moment forever, for it is one of times cruelties. The next best thing is keeping that moment's memory alive and a part of you. Sharing the passion you felt, projecting your happiness and just realizing that life itself is just one of these moments on top of another. And a realization like that just might take your breath away :)

Don't Worry About A Thing

2010-12-06T10:28:00.001-07:00

Why do we worry about the things that are completely out of our control? It's maddening to me, really. I wish if it popped into my head I could do what Dumbledore does and remove it from my brain with my wand and put it in a huge, swirling vat of other discarded thoughts. I think his are more memories and I don't think he really forgets them completely, but I wish I could. Life would be easier. Not like it's extremely hard now but it would be more carefree. I don't know if worrying accomplishes anything--if it does please tell me what. Since I think it doesn't right now I wish this for everyone with daily worries. Does it create empathy? Does it create a stronger bond if you are worrying for someone? Or stronger feelings since you realize that if you are worried for another it means you care?

Of course you are going to worry about the ones you love if they are doing things that involve risk. Maybe it's a coming of age thing. You begin to worry about others as you grow and mature. Or maybe it's just a personal thing--some people just worry, others just don't. It could be as simple as that. Of course all parents worry. Even if you aren't a worrier by nature, have a kid and you are bound to worry, it's inevitable. The thing that is bothering to me with regards to worry is that just about everything that I worry about is not even in my control. I mean it is so out of my control that there would be nothing I could do to make it in my control. Of course, in my somewhat selfish state, just about everything relates back to how it effects me. Which is also a bit bothering. Take for instance one of my biggest worries: loneliness. It's not something I think of everyday but it is something I do thing about. And fret about. And then begin to worry about. What if I end up alone? What if I have no choice in the matter? What if I never fall in love? What if no one ever falls in love with me? What if this. What if that. And THAT is completely out of my control. There is literally nothing I can do about that. I mean, sure I can go on eharmony.com or match.com or something like that but sometimes I feel like I would just be forcing love at that point. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures. At this point I'm not that desperate. I think they are great hubs for meeting people and I think it is a cool thing, I just feel that's not really me. I am really bad with that kinda thing anyway. I don't like going on awkward first dates because it seems to me that it's just strange that it's the fact that you are interested in being with this person you don't really know. I would rather get to know someone first and then become friends and THEN maybe go on a date. That in itself can create problems as well. Nothing I feel like going into at this point--its been on my mind for way too long as it is, but I'll just leave it at that. Problems are created from friends turning into something more. Period.

With all this worrying I have to have the voice of reason come into my head and say there is TIME. But then the worried voice comes back and replies "isn't there?" And then a tangent of thoughts comes and I can't be sure there is too much time or not enough. It is so out of anyones control that it almost becomes this scary unknown to me. It baffles me as it always has and always will--the unsolved mystery of life. Is it with us or against us? Do we have too much or not enough? I guess it is each person's own battle and what they think their time is worthy of or if it is used or wasted, spent or lost. I look at an old person and think "I bet it foes by so fast, we have to live each day with meaning and purpose. I can't waste time, I need to get started so I am not left regretting when it is too late" whereas someone else might look at an old person and think "we have so much time. I'm so young and I have so many years ahead of me to figure things out". Funny how we view the same thing so differently. Funny how it is against us and with us all at the same TIME. As I've said before, it is a theme of my writings, yet it can never truly be explained, solved or concluded. I circle the topic like a vulture who circles a carcass, I take small bites at the question, but I can never really make a sound argument one way or the other. I guess it seems silly to talk or write or think about something if there is no real answer or closure, but I can't help but just wonder. One of life's many mysteries!

Another of life's mysteries is how the heck do they get all that flavor packed into just one cheez-it?? It's unbelievable! Or how did people know you could grind coffee beans and make a drink that flows through your blood and wakes you up!! And who came up with the great idea of an ugly sweater party? How hilarious! What a great idea. I wonder what year it was invented and who was the first to start it?

I'm actually helping host one this week. The non-profit group I am a part of is thanking the people who have helped us come so far by throwing a big bash for all to celebrate the holiday season. And then I am off to the Caribbean. Amazing how time really does fly. It seemed like so long ago when I bought the ticket. Now, well, here it is. So here I go, off to St. Kitts late Friday night and I will be swimming in the ocean, exploring, hiking, running and relaxing on the island. I will go scuba diving, surfing and climbing. I will tan and read and enjoy rum punch. I will do everything a vacation is for. Then, as if things couldn't get any worse, I will leave the tropics of the Caribbean and head to Belize to spend another week on the beach scuba diving, cave tubing, ruin exploring, eating and drinking with my family. For these weeks I won't have a care in the world. I can relax knowing I don't have to WORRY about a THING. What a terrible way to spend my Christmas vacation. I don't think things could get any worse :)

Sometimes I wish I could just hug life.

Small Brains

2010-11-16T16:00:00.000-07:00

Recently, I have found myself thinking I wish there was a size that was smaller than small. But the only reason I think that is because I never drink my entire coffee and I always order a small. Then I could pay less because I'm drinking less. I think that's the only thing I have ever wished was smaller than small. It would be cute to have smaller things--especially giraffes. They are so cute when they are small. And puppies. And even kitties. I guess most things are cute when they are smaller. Besides kids--they LOOK cute but watch out, they're deceiving little devils. I guess I only say that now because I have been teaching a rowdy group of sixth graders for the past three days. You think an 11 year old really couldn't do that much damage. But then put 30 of them in a room together and h o l y m o t h e r. Let's just say I can wait to have my own classroom for now. Although the kids act a bit different around a sub. Let's hope.

A lot has been going on recently and I found myself in awe that it is already November. Wasn't it just August? Such is life lately and although I am by no means complaining, I am amazed at how you can get sucked into the whirlwind of it all. There has been something going on literally EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and I must say, I love it. I just wish it would go by slower. With Book Club, Bible Study, i have. i give., kickball, hopefully joining a new swim team as well as the Big Brothers Big Sisters program, I don't have much time to get bored. Which is great, I just need to be sure to leave some time for self reflection. I have also been thinking a lot about writing and feeling like since I don't have a full time job right now I should really make this more of a priority. I am planning on looking into some places I would be able to write to and maybe get published with an article someday. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease.

My life has permanently shifted. I have felt myself being pulled in all directions and I decided to choose one and go with it. I sometimes feel as though I am being pulled from my chest and the only thing I can do is follow it. I am an emotional person and now matter how much I wish it wasn't, most of the time I will always go with how I feel rather than what I am thinking. Feelings for me are something much deeper, much stronger and just much MORE than the logic that goes on in my head. Usually, if my feelings are being a bit silly I just try and keep them at bay but they never really go away. I feel as though I can express myself fully when I am acknowledging them full-heatedly. Lately, even with all of the wonderful things that are filling my heart, making me feel "full", I can't help but think there is a giant hole at the bottom where it is all just draining out. I know I am greedy but I want more. Or I would like to find a way to patch that nasty hole. Hey, we all know I've got the dreamer's disease. Despite my current bitterness I still have a little bit of hope underneath everything else. I also know that my vagueness is at an all time high in this paragraph :)

With the holidays just around the bend I can't help but feel excited. I'm actually feeling conflicting emotions considering I'm going to be on the beach for Christmas. Now, I'm definately not complaining, but it will be different from the white Christmas I am used to. I guess I was in Thailand two years ago and it never gets cold there. I think at that point I was just happy to finally be with my family.

This year I will probably be even happier when I am scuba diving in the Caribbean. There is nothing like SCUBA diving. It is the most free, weightless and amazed I have ever felt. The water does that too me, though. It has this overpowering effect that I could never truly describe in words.

Although it may not seem like it from this post, but I really do have a brain. It's just not here right now and I can't find it since it's missing. It's all a vicious circle really. Enjoy the brainless writing :)

Dancing with Death

2010-10-15T11:52:00.004-06:00

The other night we talked about death. We talked about our fears, our thoughts on what happens after our bodies have had enough of this world. We talked about what we believed this after world to look like. We talked about if we were afraid, if we would be ready, if there was anything at all to be ready for. Now, this may sound morbid, but why? Why does this topic always have to be so hush hush? I feel like it is viewed as this "do not enter" zone of conversation. But why can't we go in? Have a look around? Explore the inevitable? Why can't we learn more about this? Can't we learn to look at is as not this dreaded Ultimate End, but just simply as a part of life? Can't we focus on being prepared for the inevitable? Too many people are frightened to death of the unknown, but what good will that fear really do? Why not be excited for it? I'm not saying get out the calendar and start marking off the days until you're taking a dirt nap for the rest of eternity, but why not just pass in peace?

My intentions with death would be to die ready and non-remorseful. I guess I don't have much of a say in it. I will die when it is my time to die, but I want to make sure I truly and completely lived with every breath I was given and give every last breath to life. As I have written before--the true miracle is that we are even here in the first place. For the time being I will relish in that.

At this age it is somewhat of a strange thing to be thinking about, but I do wonder how people who know they are going to die really feel. And how they go about feeling peaceful. Knowing the people they left behind will be ok, knowing they have done all they could to make their lives and the lives around them full, knowing that it is just all part of the circle of life. I think that coming to grips and really harnessing that thought would be something that could potentially take your whole life just to conquer. Is anyone truly and completely ready? One of my friends said something that struck me deeply, what about the people we leave behind? How do you deal with that? Then I began thinking and a furious tangent of thoughts came to my head I was not able to push away. What if we regretted missing out on them? On their lives? On our relationship with them? On what we could have done for them? How could we ever feel ready to go in peace when we were sad about all of that? How could they let us go if they felt that way too? I guess that is why people cry at funerals. I guess that is why death is so profoundly tragic. Because so many people are so sure they will never see that person again. They will never feel what they felt around that person again. That is what makes you weep as their body--this body you have grown to love--is nothing but cold matter being put into the ground. But then, against what might feel like overwhelming odds, the strength of faith can press through. Faith is telling us that this body had really nothing to do with the person inside of it. Faith is telling us there is much more than what meets the eye. Sure, our bodies stand to tell what we have done or been through, but it doesn't have anything to do with your relationship with this person. At this point you can choose to know that's that. There is nothing else, you will never see them again, life will never be the same. Or you can choose to think that you know their spiritual self has gone on and that someday yours too will meet up with them. That this is not the end of the road, it is just a part of the road. Free will is one of our many wonderful traits as human beings, so I guess that is just one of the things that you use it for. To go on or not. I say, whatever helps you sleep at night. Believe what you want, I'm not one to judge. All I know is that the relationships we make on this earth could possibly determine them for after this earth. For the white marshmallow land as I like to envision it. I also think that just because some believe that relationships might go on past our time on planet Earth doesn't mean time should be wasted just because you think there might be endless amounts of it. There's my advice of the day. Use your free will to do what you want with that.

All this death talk makes me want to have a good old fashioned dance party. There's nothing like feeling alive after a dance party! Now that I have my very own apartment I can dance all day. It's amazing I haven't taken full advantage of that yet. Well, looks like I know what I'll be doing Friday afternoon! TGIF!

Ice Cream Friends

2010-10-15T08:54:00.003-06:00

Today is a beautiful October day. I know because I went outside a few times for a few minutes. I was actually very grateful the whole walk from my car to Barns and Noble. And even just as grateful on my jaunt back. And then I felt like I had really taken advantage of the day while I walked from my car back into the school I was subbing at. Sarcasm aside, I really was glad though, as I walked into the bookstore, because I thought about the day I do have a real job "planning" hour will actually mean planning. Not finding the closest coffee shops where I can read or write. So even though I might have enjoyed yesterday a little more (swimming outside, laying in the lawn chair, talking a walk down the street), today can still be enjoyed because of other things I can do. I need to realize just because I can't be outside every second of everyday doesn't mean that day was a waste. It is what you do with your time that makes the day worthwhile.

When I first started student teaching I remember thinking I had committed myself to a life of imprisonment. I remember looking in the teacher's lunch room and thinking oh my gosh, how depressing. I remember gazing longingly outside while the students played basketball simply wishing I could enjoy the day on the other side of the wall. After time went on I began to think less and less of being outside (maybe because it was winter...) and more and more about the students and the teachers around me. Soon the lunch room was not depressing, but a place where I could rest for just a little bit before the next rowdy class filtered into my room. A place where I could vent about the what stupid thing Billy did that day or laugh with the other teachers. I have hope that real teaching one day will be like this. I will not look in teachers' offices and grimace at the time they spend in there everyday while I go out into the world, but rather I will enjoy being with my colleagues in the dimly lit office eating my smashed turkey sandwich. And even on days where the sun shines warmly and beckons me to go outside, I will remember I have the whole entire summer off. That will make it all worth it. I hope.

I can't complain before I even get a job, plus my dear friend Ashley did bring up a good point. She reminded me that teachers get done with school around three. So even if I had loads of work to do and I spent two hours at school doing it, I would still be getting finished around the same time as normal people do. It's all perspective here. Plus, it's not about me, right? It's all about the students. It is hard for me to think of that now because I only have 'pretend someday students', but when the time comes, I will have real live students. Hopefully doing something else will be the last thing on my mind. As hard as I know it will be, I look forward to that day.

On a complete side note, does anyone else feel guilty when eating ice cream alone but when you go with someone else its totally fun and carefree? And you feel somehow the calories don't count?? Just thinking about ice cream a lot lately but I won't go alone because the one time I went alone it scarred me with everlasting guilt. I guess I'll have to make some friends :)

Speaking of friends, I have definitely been blessed, honored--whatever you want to call it, with some winners. Obviously I think they are winners otherwise I would not associate with them. Without them I would not be part of the book club I love or the Bible Study I find so intriguing or the non-profit I am so inspired by. I would not have a kickball game to look forward to every Sunday, and exciting plan every weekend night or anyone to ride my bike, run, walk, ski or dance with. I would not spend as many hours talking, learning, laughing, eating or simply enjoying. I would not have travel bug skittering through my veins, I would not be making the transition from the world of just me to everyone else as smoothly as I feel I am. Don't get me wrong, it takes time, but I'm not sure I would have even started that transition or seen how badly I really needed it. Bottom line I would not be happy like I am, I would not be challenged like I am, I would not be like. I. Am. Period. So thanks, friends for making me a better, more improved, little less selfish ME. Maybe one of them would like to go to ice cream with me? Or maybe, since I am transitioning, ice cream ON me! Now who could resist that?!

Freedom

2010-10-13T10:05:00.001-06:00

Sinking Chairs

2010-10-11T20:26:00.003-06:00

I have just decided that balance and relationships are the key to my very existence. If I don't have balance between doing the things I want to do, need to do, have to do then I get very cranky. Lightly put. And if I don't have good relationships surrounding me I get very cranky. Very lightly put. So there it is, simple yet to the point.

Of course we all know that brevity isn't really my forte so why should I make it that way now? That would just be plain silly. Speaking of plain silly, isn't it funny how we always realize how important something was after it has already gone or been lost or broken? Take for instance this lovely little red desk chair I have owned for so many years. It's a nice chair--not the most comfortable, I find skyping in it for hours makes me antsy--but it's still nice. The other day I began to finally appreciate it because it could actually roll around now that I have hardwood floors. That was thrilling to me. I was showing my friends this thrilling new excitement just that day. Later I thought it would be also thrilling to show my friend on skype how I can make it go down really fast. Now, this is nothing new in the world of chairs but watching my head suddenly drop in the camera was amusing to both of us. So I did a few times for a few laughs. Naturally. After doing this a few times the chair sunk. And then it never went back to it's full height again. Just like that. Just as I was starting to really appreciate it. Just as I was starting to really take notice of all of it's great qualities, now, every time I sit in it, I am quickly reminded of it's flaws and more annoyingly, my stupidity. It is also extremely inconvenient especially when I'm typing. And I look really dumb all low in my chair.

Ok, I'm finished with my chair rant. But isn't that just the garbage monster's pajamas? I thought so too. On the other side of the spectrum I had a delightful day of some of my favorite things--swimming, lifting, biking, eating, more eating, movie watching and in a little, seeing some friends.

As I end this post because of lack of brain function, I have but one question:

Have you ever seen an elephant play a violin? Cause I did.

"There are endless possibilities to the human spirit"

2010-10-08T10:57:00.006-06:00

As the last song on my i-pod ended I heard the rhythmic beating of my heart pulsing against my ear buds. I felt the air whooshing into the bottom of my lungs, listened to the pound, pound, pound of my heavy feet on the damp gravel. The sun peaked through the multicolored tree in front of me creating shadows that danced around my feet. I heard a dog bark in the distance and ran past a couple laughing and holding hands. I smiled at my friend next to me. "Life," I thought "is simply this. Is about the love for something real, the beauties of nature, the complexity of our own existence, the compassion and love of the relationships you have." In that moment I was truly amazed. I was in awe of my own simple existence. I was inspired by the true beauty of it all. One of my favorite quotes filtered into my at that moment "If we have never been amazed by the very fact that we exist, we are squandering the greatest fact of all" --Will Durant. I full-heartily believe in that. Without realizing the compactly of our own greatness, our own abilities, our own utter existence then this is the life is not the potential is can be. You may say I've got the dreamers disease, I believe I do most of the time too--but because of that I take in the amazement's of life frequently so I do not forget the awesomeness that lies within this world, that lies within each of us. It is easy to get tripped up in the mundane everyday or get frustrated with just life, but these are the little things that can only equip us for the big things. If there is no frustration then what can you compare relaxation or happiness to? How can you compare if you cannot contrast?

Running around the park I cannot help but be humbled by the sheer beauty of nature. The next day I once again felt that way as I was swimming. The cool water rushed past me as I quickly moved my arms behind me. Since I was swimming backstroke I had a clear view of the fast-moving clouds with the sun peaking through. Suddenly a large flock of black birds scattered across the sky, looking like tiny chocolate chips spilling out of the bag. I am always thankful for outdoor swimming :)

I often wonder what life would be like if I were born somewhere else or someone else. Although impossible, that thought almost always floors me every time. I try to imagine living in a state or country I visit or see on TV. I even think about what it would be like to be a certain person--someone I see driving, I think "where are they going? What are they thinking right now?". Whether it be just my friend down the street, a teacher in Japan, a doctor in India or even the President I wonder what a day in their shoes is like. I think the reason I am so baffled by it all is because it is virtually impossible to truly feel a life that is not yours. You can even be with someone in their every walk of life--spend all day with them and still not even come close to how they perceive and experience the same things you are. Naively or maybe more so, ignorantly, I often wish I could live multiple lives so I could compare, just so I could understand. I honestly think understanding another person is the only way we can truly begin to create a wold of tolerance, acceptance and peace.

I sound like a big time hippy right now, but there are just a lot of jerks out there who can only wrap their head around themselves and what they want. Most likely not even that. It becomes nothing but temporary satisfaction and then it is not hard to get lost within the confusion of all of THIS. Just like this post is beginning to do.

All I'm trying to say here is hug a tree, read a book, ride your bike without your hands, sweat like you mean it, dance until you're breathless, indulge in something refreshing, learn the world and then teach the world, and of course eat lots of delicious cheeses.

That's all I'm trying to say, really. With that, go fourth and do good.

From the Journey Behind to the Journey Ahead

2010-10-08T10:38:00.001-06:00

When the question of to travel or not to travel is posed to me, I of course choose to travel! Which is how I ended up on my most recent of adventures: a 28 hour road trip to the good old (and very far) state of Connecticut. It so happened that my old roommate and great friend, Lauren, decided to bid farewell to all of us lazy westerners and take on the world of life in the fast lane. Quite literally--upon arriving in the East coast people were hurriedly speeding past us at 10, 15 and even 20 miles faster than the speed limit. We quickly realized those limits were more guidelines than actual rules (they're just like pirates out there). We early left on a calm and sunny Friday in Denver, Colorado after a teary goodbye exchange between Lauren and her mom and we were off with nothing but the almost 1700 miles of road between us and our desired destination. Lauren's trip was not one for business but rather in the name of love so she put petal to metal for every hour of the 28 to make it in a timely fashion. It so happens that her car was a stick shift which is ironic because that is the only car I can't drive. Fast ones, slow ones, big ones, little ones--those I can do. But stick shift...not so much :) Despite my initial worries, it actually turned out fine and we decided that as long as I wasn't sleeping I was doing a great job of just keeping good company. So we set of driving the first nine hours until stopping in lovely and incredibly exciting Iowa. The drive was less than thrilling--Colorado being the most boring of all with nothing but prairie as far as the eye could see. We ended out trip in the overcast city of Des Moines, our heads swirling with dreams of just laying flat on a bed. Miles and miles of corn really tuckers you out! Needless to say, I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow (well, kinda).

Day two was an 8 hour stretch and now that we were road tripping pros we only stopped twice the whole way through the Midwest. Our diet was top notch--all of the five star restaurants we could find--Dairy Queen, Burger King, KFC, Pizza Hut, McD's, Starbucks, Steak and Shake. Really high quality places and you can imagine how good we felt after such feasts! I've never looked better. Our second night we stayed in a small town right off the highway in Ohio. We felt they were quite friendly as we passed through Wood County onto Cummings Road. I could tell this was gonna be a real stand up place. As soon as I walked into the room I knew I was right. They did not disappoint in Milan, Ohio. In the corner of the room was a giant, pink "whirlpool" tucked neatly in the corner. Oh, and did I mention this was the corner of the BEDROOM? Upon seeing such a surprise I did what you should expect me to do--cheer while I ran to grab my swim suit (I knew it would need it for something!). I figured I might as well take advantage of amazing relaxation while I could. Lauren was weirded out as any normal person would be, but she was a good sport and took a picture of me in this wonderful whirlpool to post on the worldwide web. I've never had the extreme luxury of watching TV in my own private hotubbathwhirlpool so taking advantage of that was surely a memory I will never forget. It was the perfect treat to relax after a tiring day of sitting.

The next day was our final stretch into the great wilderness and I have to say this day was my favorite. Getting out of the Midwest could have done it for me on its own but to top it off was the amazing scenery. It was as if the weather knew the state boarder line because almost immediately upon arriving in Pennsylvania the clouds parted and displayed hundreds of thousands of brilliantly beautiful multi-colored trees so crowded together it looks as though they were stacked one on top of the other. I tried to capture the majesty of this picturesque scene but my little Kodak camera did not do it a bit of justice. I felt like there should have been really inspirational road trip montage-like music as we drove to create even more awe with the breathtaking visions around us. We passed from a luscious and enchanting Pennsylvania into a rockier New Jersey then into a densely populated New York and finally into Stamford, Connecticut, Lauren's new home sweet home. All with the help of the AAA guidebook and our dear friend, Garney (yes, we named the GPS). Exhausted and relieved we made our way into Lauren and Brett's new apartment. It's hard for me to imagine what this would be like--going to an unknown place, walking into an apartment you have never seen that is your new home and starting a life with the person you love. I'm not in the place right now—no where close to it really, but being there made me me see what it would be life. It made me realize that in some distant way I'm excited for all of that. But until then I was really excited for them! So we wasted no time in setting up house and trying to make these empty rooms into a home. We ran crazy errands--lots of Target trips, Wal-Mart, the mall, the store. They bought stuff and lots of it and we were quick to put it in its rightful place. We explored town, took walks, tasted the local eateries, and even built a neat little desk and enjoyed a brew at a local bar. It was fun to see a glimpse of what their lives are going to be like and I was glad she let me be a part of it. But after almost a week it was time for me to shake the dust off my small town boots and put on my big city city shoes to stir things up in the Big Apple.

I took the express train from Stamford to New York and then the subway to meet my old pal, Alex. As soon as I got there, there was no mistaking it--I was definitely in New York City. It was almost a culture shock from the small town I was in just an hour ago. Since this was my second time visiting the familiars of the place all came rushing back along with my love for it. It's hard not to fall in love with a place like NYC, it’s hip and exciting, fast and fashionable, loud and dirty and you are constantly stimulated by everything around you. Maybe I don't know myself well enough, but I couldn't tell if I could live in a place like that. I don't know if central park would cure my outdoorsy itch or if I would miss the wilderness. I don't think I could live there forever, but maybe for a while in my young years. In all honestly I don't see myself moving there anytime soon so I don't think I even need to worry about it, but it is a vision that I think of sometimes. I couldn't get enough of it--the sights--especially the people, the smells, the vibe. It’s just so, well simply put, cool. The "ultimate melting pot experiment" as Alex's friend, Julian, put it. Throw together all types of people from all sorts of backgrounds all over the world-- construct a giant concrete jungle and tell them all to go play. Now, it’s not the nicest of play grounds but even with their disputes they seem to have some unspoken way of how they all can "get along". They don't always play nice and they aren't afraid to express themselves (yelling, honking...) but it seems to work for them and it works magic on me every time.

After Alex and I debriefed and caught up we wined and dined at a delicious pizza place not far from his apartment on the lower east side. We met his pal Julian for a few drinks afterwards and after reading the actual scripts from SNL (Julian works there) we decided to call it a relatively early night. Well, at least for New York standards.

Friday was spent walking which was what I wanted to do anyway. I just needed to take it all in. Julian and I went to the financial district and got to see the famous Wall Street and that huge bull that everyone loves so damn much. We walked to Battery Park to get a somewhat foggy view of good old Lady Liberty and a very clear view of Spongebob Squarepants himself. We meandered to and outdoor food/shopping pier to meet Alex and his co-worker for lunch before heading to Brooklyn Bridge. I snapped some pictures of the city and the water around us, yet the camera did not to the magnificent city justice. Once again. It was a hot and muggy day so around five we decided to head back to the apartment after grabbing some delicious gelato from "El Labratorio"--a past favorite for me. We relaxed until we decided to head back out--this time across town to meet New York local and long time friend of Alex's, Tomas. Alex and I hopped on the subway and took the long ride across town, stopping once for a quick Chipotle fix. From there (and after watching a chunk of one of my favorite flicks--Slumdog Millionaire) we hit up a few bars back near Alex's place and danced deep into the night. The End. Just kidding, that just sounded really corny. But it really was deep into the night--clubs and bars shut down around 3:30 or 4 in the morning--just the time I would normally be actually falling asleep from a night out. So you can imagine after closing, the loitering, the eating of hot dogs, bedtime is almost at sunrise. Gotta love it.

Saturday we got up at the ungodly hour of noon and made our way to a bar to watch the BC football team get stomped since Alex and Tomas are such good alumni. Afterwards Alex and I walked around taking our time, stopping to sit on a bench to listen to some jam band from Oregon if just lazily relax in the park, basking in the mid afternoon sun. We walked up to Times Square and weaved our way through the masses before meeting up with one of his friends for a drink. Later we feasted on Indian good--a taste that has been missing from my life since Japan. It was a good reunion for my taste buds. After we showered and watched the Rockies win we took a cab to Brooklyn for an apartment fiesta with Tomas and his brother.

Now, this was no normal apartment gathering. From the outside it looked pretty nice and quiet but when we went in the fancy elevators and slick floors made me think this was not just any old apartment. When we got to this guy's place we were greeted by friends of theirs and offered too much food. There was a living room with bedrooms on each side with a big window that opened up to a nice view. But it was up the swirly staircase that was really the amazing view. He had a deck that overlooked all of Manhattan and at that time of night it was absolutely brilliant. The cameras we had didn't reach the city lights so I could only hold this shot in my memory. There is just something unbelievable that something like that was built by the hand of a man. Don't get me wrong, any nature view could out-wow me compared to a city view, but the view of New York from far away is on the top of my breathtaking city views just next to Bangkok, Seoul and Tokyo.

After we had our fix of viewing, eating, drinking and chatting we took a cab back to Manhattan and hit up the clubs once again. We danced until the last possible minute the club was open and probably crawled into bed just a little before 6 am. The next day was a leisurely one, we walked around the apple street fair, eating and watching the crowds. I love street markets so I was heartedly enjoying this one. Plus the apples and apple juice were among the best I've tasted. Must be why they call it the Big Apple! I also got a very trendy NY looking hat and some nice, big, red sunglasses. Later we went to a bar and watched the Broncos lose as we battled our way through three giant plates of nachos. The part of town really came alive at night and on our walk home I was extremely entertained with the people all around us. As well as my own company, we had a great time.

Alex walked and rode with me back to Grand Central and we waited on a staircase for my train. There is a reason they call that place Grand Central--it really is grand. The ceilings are so tall that after a while I can't even really tell where they begin. They are covered with beautiful paintings that arch and turn with the curve of the building. After Alex and I said our goodbyes, I took the train back to Stamford where Lauren and Brett picked me up and took me back to their even more furnished apartment. In my absence they had an extremely productive weekend!
The next day Lauren and I just hung out before she took me to the airport that was actually in New York, but closer to CT. We had a teary hug--saying goodbye never gets any easier. This time was different because although we have somewhat become more accustomed to goodbyes, we always knew when the next time we would see each other would be. This time it is a mystery. I did feel better knowing that her journey was going to be an exciting adventure and she has been waiting a long time for this!

My journey home was a long one--a layover in Atlanta with a delayed flight and by the time I finally got home, sleep was heavy on my mind. Since then things have been a whirlwind. I started packing since I signed a lease on an apartment near wash park (!!), and I tried to get back in the swing of subbing, working out and friends. We had a game night, the last night of Denver Cruisers (ski in ski out theme) and the big weekend move. I literally spent all weekend shopping, packing and organizing to get everything moved over by Sunday. My goal was complete with the help of four of my best friends and of course my parents. By the time nine o'clock Sunday night rolled around I was comfortably sitting in my new apartment, everything put in its respected places and boxes stacked to the ceiling. My main tasks this week will be decorating and running. Lots of running. I signed up for a 10k a few months ago thinking I would be ready. Ha! Funny how time just slips away and somehow there it is--the date you thought was so far away is right in your face.

Laying in bed last night I couldn't help but just feel excited for life. It took me forever to just fall asleep because my mind wouldn't turn off. There are so many things I want to accomplish and I feel like this move finally revved my motivation into gear. The year after Japan was an interesting one and although there were times where I felt extremely stagnant and frustrated with myself, there was also growth going on that only my older self can look back and see. Japan expanded me, made me grow in unimaginable ways and just because I was home and not learning something new everyday doesn't mean that I wasn't learning at all. I was taking in the relationships around me, molding them into something that could last the rest of my life. I was learning how to deal with uncertainty and most of all learning how to know and feel good about myself. Of course I wavered, of course I lost my footing at times, but if I did not I would not be human. I feel I am in a better place now than I was six months ago and I just hope to continue to grow so I can say that six months from now.

It seems the real reason I couldn't sleep is because I cannot wait to see where the road ahead takes me. I am elated because so far it has taken me on a pretty amazing and wild ride. Now that, my friends, is a good reason for not being able to sleep!

I am Brilliant. I am Beautiful.

2010-08-29T21:50:00.004-06:00

I'm a little water logged from the night of diving on my face one too many times, but I thought I would give the old blog a whirl. A lot has been going on in my head lately and writing it down only makes me realize that it is no longer in my head but now it's something that needs to be done. It has become this physical thing that if not tended to can turn into a monster I need to battle. A little dramatic, I know, but I'm all for the theatrical lately. I've been very emo these past couple of weeks so I'm allowing it to continue until I start wearing dark make-up and dying my hair black. Then maybe I would need to draw the line at that.

Without going into grotesque detail about my life events I will say this; holy mother. I have been slapped in the face with a big fat IDIOT paddle. And it really hurts, Charlie. My head came unscrewed but instead of screwing it back on when I began to realize I ignored it and eventually it feel off completely. It's amazing how something has to blow up in my face for me to even realize there was a bomb waiting to explode in the first place. I saw it, I heard it ticking...I guess I just thought it would be fun to see what happens when it goes off. Well, it wasn't really fun. I don't think I'll be doing that again. Seeing that I lost my head and all. But! Don't worry, I found it and I am slowly screwing it back on. It's hard than I thought, but it needs to be done. As I said in my earlier post, running from responsibilities isn't really all its cracked up to be. I'm beginning to act like a teenage wasteland. If there were such a noun. I got pulled out of the firey inferno of pathetic existance and here I stand. Not necessairly waiting, just a little shocked I guess. But soon I will be kicked into gear and life will resume Jessicaness. Yes, that is now a word. I need to find myself in all of these falsities. I can't belive I had lost myself--this great person whom I had gotten to know and like so well for this person I had never even met. It was really sad actually, I didn't like that person at all but somehow she stuck around to reek havic on my perfect little bubble I had created for myself. And now I am left cleaning up the pieces. Good riddens, jerk! So here I am ready to climb back up the mountain and conquer it before going up the next one.

I realize there are a lot of silly metaphors in there and I don't really expect anyone to interpret what actually has been happening. I tend to circle around things a lot which I need to work on. Especially if I'm going back to school someday. See? There I go again. Anyway, I think I'm going to get a move on with things I actually really need to do rather than all these things I want to do. It's not working out how I thought. Sometimes, things you think might be a breeze actually turn out to be way too hard. I knew it was a trick! Life can't just work out everytime! Silly me, what was I thinking?

So what I am trying to say in these riddled thoughts is this: I am better than what I have been. I have so much untapped potential. As I once wrote in my journal (in very bright markers, mind you) I am brilliant, I am beautiful. Except the funniest part was that I spelled brilliant wrong. I laughed about it for a long time. If you can't laugh at yourself then just forget it. And then never told anyone until now. It feels good to get if off my chest. Even if no one reads this but me. So there it is, written down. What I had forgotten lately. Sometimes it's hard to do what you know will make you feel better in the long run for temporary satisfaction. It is also hard to ignore what your feelings say and go with what your head says. As I said, I've been emo lately so I thought going with the feelings was a good trend. I definately thought wrong. For now at least. I think there will come a day when I can freely let my feelings go and it will be worth it.

So I am moving on to bigger and better things. These things include (drumroll please):

1. Road tripping it to Connecticut and New York with my old pal and roommate (where she is moving *sad face*)

2. Moving into my OWN place :)

3. Becoming really poor

4. Trying to work a lot so I'm not living on the streets

5. Running a 10k (yuck)

6. Writing more in this here blog

7. Finishing my Japan scrapbook and getting going on my story!

8. Skipping down the street

9. Saying hello to old friends

10. And I think I'll just spend most of December on the beach. Yeah, sounds good. St. Kitts and Belize sound real nice. I can't wait. But before that I need to be deserving of a vacation. So here I go, on to do good things for my world and the world of others.

I cannot get lost within myself ever again. There is a place no one should ever go. So I'm back, ready to take on the world! Or a small, little part of it. But it's my part and that's what matters :)

Peace and love.

This is the Life

2010-06-30T16:31:00.007-06:00

Time seems to slide by sneakily these days--it is quick and I rarely notice it until it is too late. Tomorrow is the first day of July and in 28 days I will have been home from the adventure of a lifetime for a year already. It is both upsetting and uplifting, surreal and amazing. Time there was a different beast--it could be my best friend or my worst enemy, but in the end it did nothing but change my life forever. This past year I felt as if I would lay dormant--it was hard to compare with a year in a foreign place where I was constantly learning new things every single day, where I was constantly being tested and challenged. I wanted that again, yet the comforts of the familiar settled in and getting out of that was something of a challenge in itself. I struggled with myself as a person--where I fit in the big scheme of things, where I will end up, how I will make a difference to others, how I will be proud of that difference in myself. Being back in familiar territory was all of the sudden foreign and unknown to me. I wavered and shot up and then down only to shoot back up again not too long later. The culture shock guide explains this will happen so I had braced myself for it for a few months. Not for an entire year. I craved challenge, I craved stimulation, I craved the confusion and unexplainable parts of life, yet everything was making sense. Everything was TOO easy which ironically was making it much more difficult for me to grasp.

I can't say that I have gotten the hang of things yet, nor do I think I will ever, yet I do know that having that knowledge can only make it easier in the long run. I did things that I probably wouldn't have done in the past, I put myself in situations I might have found uncomfortable just so I could welcome back that feeling again. I felt at times I was wasting away. I felt I was not being who I really wanted to be. The point where I have come to is almost to the point of where I want to be to begin my personal journey again. I feel confident in myself once again, knowing that my rightful path will be set out for me once I begin to walk with my head held high knowing that nothing can stop me. This transition has not been easy and my heart breaks to think that I have reverted back to where I was before I left. Then I reach within myself and remember what I have learned and who I have become. I remember what I am grateful for and how my life has been full of wonderful surprises. I must know that there has been so much learned since I have been home and just because it is something I already know doesn't mean I can't look at it with this new set of eyes. I see the same yet I feel differently. Life and the world around you is so much of not how it is looked at physically, but how it is perceived by each person. Now, I know this isn't anything new by any means but it certainly has been making more sense as this mystery of time passes me by. So I can say with confidence that I have not laid dormant this year and that I have learned something new and exciting each day and I have definitely made connections and memories that will last a lifetime. Sometimes, getting caught up in the day to day life can only produce mundane results if you are not able to take a step back and look at the big picture. Just because I am not traveling or meeting someone new at every turn does not mean I am rotting away. I can create this within everyday life. Writing this, I am suddenly saddened that some people--in fact I would say most people go through their lives without ever having realized it. They never step back and look at the small beauties in life and it becomes all too easy to be sucked up within yourself never to escape from the drudgery of your own mind.

I am not saying it is easy to escape this monotonous existence yet it becomes much more do-able once you have realized that you CAN. Once you know that there is no stopping the beautiful journey that is life. Realizing this once again has made me want to take advantage of the little things and try out something new each day if I can. The book club I am in has been extremely helpful in that sense as well as not having a permanent job. I am able to soak up the goodness of each day with full gratitude. Yesterday for instance, I was finished coaching and teaching swim lessons and I just ended up hanging out at the pool with the kids and other coaches. We played around in the water, made up hilarious strokes and laughed as the water cooled our bodies from the relentless summer sun. Later that night I found myself laying under a blanket of stars as I listened to the laughter of the friends I love and I thought to myself something I used to say many years ago before I fully understood its meaning; this is the life. Now I am finally beginning to. This is my one life that I have to live for my happiness, to make a difference, to love, to enjoy, to challenge myself and others, to spread everything that I know and to know each and everyday that this is THE life and I better make the very most of it. There is no better time to start than right now.

The Art of Happiness--its a wrap-er I mean a snap!

2010-03-11T15:20:00.004-07:00

Why doesn't anyone like mustard? I mean what is wrong with it? I think its way better than its red colored adversary! I don't think many things in this world are better than mustard on a hog dog. I say that somewhat regrettably, but completely honestly. I guess you will always have to like one over the other. I would rather have salt over pepper and I would rather be cold than hot. I think that is one of the many things that make people interesting. Their differences. If we were all the same then life would be as boring as a political debate. Ok, maybe even worse than that. I guess that is an obvious fact of life, yet it was something that I came to complete terms with last year while living in a country that tries so hard to keep everything similar. To keep everything in perfect harmony.

The Japanese have to, for if they didn't there is no way they would be able to survive on such a small island with so many people. No way at all. I think they all try to be different, but their mannerisms and their general thought process seems to be very similar. Not everything, I'm not saying they all think the same, but just as we are a product of our environments, so are they. The group mentality, the kindness, the sharing, the togetherness are just some of the qualities they share. To a foreigner it could get rough at times. But God I miss it there. It's hard for me at times, even to this day, to wrap my head around the fact that I won't ever go back to living there. I always feel for some reason that I will. That this is just a break and I'll end up back in those classrooms, back in my apartment just as it was, back with my friends singing karaoke late into the night. I always think I'll be able to go on the trips with them or drink rice wine under the beautiful cherry blossoms. There was so much that I didn't do in just one year of being there, and although I was pleased with what I accomplished when I left, I now think about all there still is to see and do. All I wish I could teleport myself to. Just to zap myself back to a potluck dinner with a mixture of Japanese and English speaking friends or to that run on the day where the sunset left the sky glowing in sheer brilliance. I guess there is always a time for wishing and a time for doing, so we will just have to see what time will do. If I wasn't do desperate for a job next fall I could care less and buy a ticket today. But life reminds us all too often that as much as you don't want to grow up, there is just a time where you have to. I admit, I've been avoiding it more than anyone else I know but lately I have been realizing that running from the responsibilities of life isn't really all its cracked up to be. Granted there are pluses to both sides of the spectrum, but I am old enough and let's hope mature enough to be ready for the "real world". This realization came in my own time, as I feel most things in life have. I don't generally like to be rushed and so far things have worked in my favor for that. I can also admit that it has been something I need to work on. I need to push myself to my full potential. I know it is there and I know, if I put my mind to it I can do it. Even if I am one of the only ones who actually likes mustard.

Sometimes I just do what is in my power to do and say the rest will happen as its supposed to. I am a huge believer that everything happens for a reason, but that is NOT a reason to get lazy. That is not a reason to think things will just fall in my lap as they so often have. I need to go out and get what I want. And, to quote the Rolling Stones, "you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes you might just find you get what you need". So even if I do go out for what I want and it doesn't necessairy work out, I might later find that it was actually what I needed all along! Life has an interesting way of showing us that. Today I checked out the book "The Art of Happiness" by the Dali Lama because it is what we are reading for book club. I am excited to hear what good old Dali with his tinted glasses has to say about happiness. Is it going out and getting what you want? Or what you need? Or is it accepting the way things happen to you? Or is it waiting until something does happen to you? Or a mixture of all of it? Or maybe none of it? All I know is that the way I have been living my life provides for more than enough happiness, yet I do believe there is always room for more. Until you burst from it I guess. Except there are no known cases of bursting from happiness. Not that I've read anyway.

Speaking of happiness, here is something that is pretty hilarious: www.awkwardfamilyphotos.com/2010/01/28/its-a-wrap/

All the comments are what make it worth while :)

Go forth and be good!

:)

2010-02-27T15:08:00.001-07:00

There is nothing better than a dress up party. Especially when it is related to the 1980s.

It's All Good

2010-02-26T00:15:00.002-07:00

It is definitely past my bedtime but since I had coffee at 2 this afternoon I am still reeling. I should know by now caffeine makes me a big nutball for way too many hours. Either way it has brought me back to my first and only true love, writing. Luckily today my blog is the victim of emotions on a once blank and innocent canvas.

I had a bit of a revelation tonight. Not quite an epiphany--those are the best, but it wasn't quite at that level. I had a heart to heart with one of my best friends and it made me realize one major thing about me at this point in life: I'm happy. I'm really, undeniably happy right now. Now the reason it's not an epiphany is because I already knew that. In fact, I have admitted it to myself a number of times. There are obvious reasons and not so obvious reasons for my utter happiness but as with most things in life it has to do with others around me. It is just the simple act of being able to say it so that I can truly believe it that makes it revalational. Life is all about relationships and I cannot help but take a look around and see all of the positive ones surrounding me. I cannot count the people I love on all the fingers and toes I call mine. I can't even count them on tripple that. It is truly unbelievable how blessed I am. How did I get such a good hand delt to me?

Somewhat recently I have joined a book club and as I knew it would, it has sucked me in. Mind, body and spirit. Completely. I am in love with it. I even wrote the bookies an emotional e-mail tonight telling them how much it meant to me. Telling them how much they meant to me. Which in turn got me thinking, why don't we do this more often? The book we are reading begs the same question, the authors asks, "And how can you say I love you to someone you love?" (ELIC p. 314). Although seemingly trivial, this is a completely legitimate question. Sometimes the words I and love and you just fill the air. They are just placed where they are needed. They are sometimes overused, missused or even just used. At the same time, why don't we say it more? Why can't we express our feelings how we want? How can we say these words without absusing them? The only conclusion I have come to with that is that we can is that we say it only when meant. And we say it in all truthfulness in our heart. And we know that no matter how many people come in and out of our lives there is always a place for them within our hearts. There is always more room to include those you love. And as my good old mom says, "You can never have too many friends". I agree, Mom.

As with all my ramblings there seems to be a lot of opposing ideas and unclear conclusions which I have decided I'm ok with because it's my mind and that tends to happen within the confines of our minds. Never is there a time when you come to an exact answer when it comes to questions about life. Never is a time where you will ever have it figured out. Never is a time where you stop learning about yourself. Never is a time where you stop growing. I have said it time and time again, but what fun would it be if you figured yourself out one day? What fun would it be if you had no more questions? Although exhausting, this is what life is about. Life is long and short all at the same time, but the thing that matters is how we live it. Time is a theme that comes up much too often in my writings yet it is something I will never truly understand. Something no one will ever conquer. So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? I have learned living in the past is painful and living for the future is wasted energy, so why not live for the NOW? Why not live for the present?

This is a daily struggle for most of us. We are always trying to gear up for what is to come with the things we have learned, hence future and past. Sometimes the most important thing to do is to stop, take a step back, breathe in and take in the beauty of it all. It has saved lives. It has definately saved mine. Not so much on a literal sense, but within myself it has. I would not be the person I am today if I didn't have a look around every so often and know that this is LIFE. And we need to truly live it. And even having said that I know I need to actually do it more. It can never happen too much. Sometimes I just want to hug the air that surrounds me and thank it for keeping me going. Sometimes I just want to high five the sky for just being there. And most of the time I want to thank the people around me for making it all worthwhile.

There is no reason I shouldn't be jumping out of bed every morning and singing something like "A Wonderful World" or whatever that song is called. Unfotunately, morning, no matter how late it is, isn't really my shining moment to sing a thing such as that. I'll work on that though. Maybe tomorrow. I'm just genuially excited for the future. I am excited for the things I will do, the people I will meet and the revelations or epiphanies to come.

And if that post doesn't make you want to barf, quite frankly my dear, I don't know what will :)

Either way.
It's good. It's all really good.

Swirling

2009-12-15T13:32:00.003-07:00

So I should have known I would procrastinate my my OWN assignment to myself. It's been harder than I thought though and I have been thinking. Promise. I have written a few things outside of my blog that have helped me start to get my ideas sorted. I have also been taking suggestions from people with what to write and where to start. I always find starting something is the hardest thing. So I started from something I had already done for a little push. I went back and read my old journals from high school, my journals from college, from Japan and a lot of my old blog posts from Japan as well as this blog. Whew. That's a lot of reading because man, I wrote a lot. Too much. But it was good to read. I didn't realize how much I've changed writing wise and how my outlook on life has changed until I read them, yet the overall core of who I am has stayed the same. It always will.

So going with the theme of my core staying the same, I decided to continue my trip down memory lane by looking at old pictures. There are so many things I have forgotten from my childhood that have helped shape me into who I am today. Reading through all of my old stuff and looking at these pictures I know how truly fortunate I was. How truly fortunate I still am. Although I don't want to admit it, I had almost forgotten how spoiled I was as a kid. And most of the time I even take it for granted now. Every summer we would take a family trip (all 19 of us) to either the mountians or the beach. Every other Christmas we would all get together and stay in a cabin and go skiing. I spent my summer days at the neighborhood pool or at my grandma's pool. I stayed out and played with my friends, went to swimming, tennis and camps. I invented games with my brothers in the backyard, I got to pick out what rabbits and dogs I wanted for pets. I was the best dressed kid thanks to my mom and her festive outfits she made me. I was truly happy and I think a happy childhood usually leads to a healthy, happy adulthood. I am very glad I have had direction and I have been carefree and happy for my entire 23 (almost 24!) years of existance.

So where does that lead me with my writing now? I have no idea. The thoughts still swirl around without anywhere to go. Yet. I'm going to get there someday. Sometimes a specific topic is discovered when you aren't even trying for it. Maybe I will just do as I've always done and just start writing and see where it leads me...I think that might keep me writing more anyway. If I know myself then I would say so.

This post had no overall purpose but I would like to say I am grateful for everything I have and everyone around me. Happy Holidays and happy almost 2010 :)

Inspiration

2009-12-10T10:57:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I feel as though inspiration can be a fleeting feeling. You watch a movie that is moving and inspirational, yet soon after the movie is over you give it nothing more than a few passing thoughts before it is forgotten altogether. At least until someone mentions the name again. You see a picture of a beautiful place, you read a great book, you talk to a insightful person--all of these things being inspirational to you on on level or another. There are times where you might book a ticket to that beautiful place or have a discussion about the book or go do something that person had also done, but most likely, you are only moved for a short time before letting your high settle back down to earth. Slowly you are swallowed back into everyday life and the invigorating feeling of sheer inspiration is forgotten, stored away for another day. Why is that? Why can we only seem to hold one emotion for a certain amount of time? Why can't I walk around life feeling uplifted and invigorated all the time? As John Mayer says, "Who says I can't be free from all of the things I used to be? Rewrite my history, who says I can't be free"

My basic point to all of these ramblings is I have been inspired and I plan taking this feeling, this powerful and wonderful feeling, and harnessing it for as long as possible. I am at a point in life where I want to tell everyone those lyrics from good old John. I can answer his question to myself, no one has told me I cannot do anything. So what is holding me back? Unfortunately I think its my own mind cutting off my potential. Which is no real surprise, I have always been like that and at this point, it's starting to get frustrating. So enough of that! Time to rewrite my history. Or at least work on the now. That is something I know I can do.

So where did this sudden inspiration come from you might ask? The same person who has inspired me countless times, my old friend and swim coach, Ryan. Although she does not know it, she has brought on a new feeling of inspiration and my challenge now is to hold on to it. There have been a few days where the feeling stuck around for a while. I think I've written about it before, but it was a day where I felt the feeling you sometimes get when you first wake up. You realize how unbelievably precious life really is. My journey is going to look a bit different from the one Ryan is on (as it should). My goal is the keep that feeling. I am going to start out smaller and see where to go from there.

So I shall start out in my mind. I have a lot of thoughts that are flying around and my first task is to organize them. Obviously I am a big writer already. I write virtually everyday, yet I circle around issues instead of really investigating them (as this blog post is starting to do). So task one will be all about writing. My inspiration can come from anything. One of my best friends has a "God Jar". She puts things into her jar that worry her or stress her out. Once she writes them down and puts them in that jar they are no longer her problem. The idea is the big man upstairs will take care of things since she has done all she can about it. I like that. I also love Miranda July's "Learn to Love you More" projects. I once took the challenge as part of a class assignment after reading No One Belongs Here More Than You and did a few of her suggestions. Let's just say that was a day I also felt truly inspired. http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/

So I am starting off with writing. I will not be writing everything down in this blog, some being just for me than for others, but I will do my best to write a lot in here as well. I will give myself small topics or ideas and go from there. One requirement is that it has to be somewhat creative. I will welcome a good challenge. Anyone is welcome to join! So that is what I will focus on first. I will work on this for about a week. We will see where I want to take it after that. So it begins.
After all, who says I can't be free?

It Begins Again

2009-11-30T22:11:00.001-07:00

I have been meaning to write something meaningful, but today is probably not the day. I can at least try I guess. For some reason I had a really hard time getting motivated today. Sure I swam and did abs, I even took the dog on a walk and wrote a little. I made an appointment, talked to friends, ate dinner, caught up on tv and the internet and made plans for later this week. But all of that probably takes up just a small portion of any normal person’s day. For me it is the whole thing. I don’t know why I am having a hard time with it, its not like there is something I necessarily HAVE to do, but there is always something I feel like I have to do. It’s a bit unsettling when I actually have too much time because then I have too much time to think about all of the things I’m not doing. And I feel like there is something that always needs to be done. I think my method for coping with this demon is just to either hang out with friends, forgetting anything that has to do with anything really, or to get out of the house. And that usually leads me to the gym.

So I guess that is really great for my social and physical self, but what about my intellectual self? What is it left to do? I feel like it has been forgotten for so long not only has it gotten rusty and dusty, it is now slowly starting to deteriorate. Funny how I probably never thought this would happen. Go back to three years ago I would have killed for this lifestyle. Truly, I do what I want when I want without the dread of homework hanging over my head. Not saying I want homework, I just want a purpose. Right now I feel like a lost soul and in order to get out of that slump I need to do it myself before getting thrown into the working world. Which will inevitably happen someday. Hopefully. As much growing I have done over the past year I still have deserts and mountains to climb before I can even begin to crack the shell of who I am. And I am determined to start as soon as possible, the hard part is just figuring out where. I feel like I am all over the place and I just need to plant my feet firmly and start walking in the right direction. Where ever that may be. It is entirely possible there is no one right direction anyway. Which makes things a lot more confusing for those of us beginning to search for it.

All of this time I’ve done a great job discovering myself, but now I feel like I need to search for myself. I need to try harder than I am. I need to get the ball rolling. I have my days, today was not one of them, but I do have them. I feel like I am making positive forward progress. I feel like I can be proud of what I have done so far. But when days like today hit, those feelings are so easily forgotten that I end up feeling like I have made no forward progress at all. So it begins again. The clock is ticking, now its just time to get those wheels turning.
It’s always easier said than done...
Isn't it?

The Time Has Come

2009-11-17T22:30:00.002-07:00

The time has come to actually put my blogging mind and fingers to work once again. It has been much too long and the only excuse I have for that is a severe lack of inspirational brain activity. I can't say its back, but I had to get the wheels turning at some point.

It's strange to come on again after so much time has passed--especially with my last post and the emotional weight of everything that was going on. It still hits me when I read it, I am taken back to that place. Back to that city, back to that town and back to my apartment where I would type basically on the floor, feet stretched out in front of me and a whole other world just down the hall and out the door. It seems like it was not a mere four months ago, not even like it was a year ago. It feels like a lifetime has passed since I sat in that apartment and typed that last entry. It was a whole other world, a whole other part of myself that if I am not careful could be hidden behind what I have always known to be me back on familiar territory. But then there is the part of me that has changed, the part that I don't see anymore, the part that has just become me.

I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it hasn't even been a half of a year. I am bothered by it actually. I am bothered at how incredibly easy it was to come home and forget the frustrations, the mysteries, the beauty, the challenge and the passion I once felt for Japan. It will always be there, but it is not as prominent as I would have liked. There are times where I have to take a step back and remind myself that it was real and I was living it. It is all too easy to get wrapped up in the everyday life in your own comfort zone and I fell right back into it the moment I stepped on Colorado soil. Not that I meant to or even wanted to, but things were so busy right at first that reflecting on my own personal progress wasn't really in my daily activities. Now, as we are nearing the end of November and I have had time to eat the food I missed, catch up with the people I missed and do all of the things I've missed, I am finally able to take a step back and see where I am at in life. I have come to the conclusion for now that I am right where I am supposed to be. I have done something I am proud of and I have come back and done what I can to make a place for myself in society once again. Nothing is troublesome to me right now and because of that I am truly happy. I can finally live in the moment and not think about what is to come or what should come, I can just let the chips fall where they may.

It's funny how time always sneaks up on you. I have written about it time and time again, but I will never get used to it. The other day I spoke in a classroom about Japan and teaching abroad opportunities and just traveling in general and as I spoke I reminded myself of everything I had done, everything I had seen and all of the experiences I had. I talked for the whole 90 minute class period twice in a row without even missing a beat. Only something that you are truly passionate about is something you can go on about for days. I hadn't even realized how much I went through until I had that time to explain it all. I hadn't even realized how much I missed it until I had to explain it all.

I have my days here just as I did in Japan where I will love it or hate it or just want to go back to a home I am not really sure exists anymore. But I know in my heart of hearts I made the right decision. Now the next best decision would be to go back and pay those good folks a visit! I am in the place I wanted to be, but I am not the same person I was when I envisioned myself in this place. Because of that, as I have said before, I will be forever grateful to Japan as well as the people I met there.

Thankfully there will never be a time in my life where I am not missing. My eyes have been opened to the world around me and I will not rest until I can no longer see because it is the experiences and the people we meet that will forever change our lives. And for me, this is just the beginning. In the meantime I will enjoy the here and now because when you blink, it's gone.

Five Days Time

2009-07-23T19:05:00.000-06:00

Four
More
Sleeps.
It's a race with the clock and time has proved victorious before, I don't know why it would go any differently now. My apartment is littered with random things leftover from a mass deleting process that ended in a thirty foot trash drop. The blank walls stare back at me as if to help push me out of the way so time can get a head start. It's just not fair. I want to be able to control it but it is impossible. The noise becomes more audible. Maybe because there is less furniture. Maybe because I am hearing the silence for the first time in a while. Maybe because I am listening to the silence for the first time in a while. It has become more of a comfort to me than I ever thought and if there is nothing else I can take with me after this year, this new found relationship with myself will be plenty. I turned off the music so I can hear the sounds of me in this country that has been my home for the past year.

The frogs chatter noisily outside and a car drives by. My fan hums, my fingers click on the keyboard.In the morning I will be woken by one thousand buzzing cicadas and the stifling heat that has you breathing in water. I will roll off the futon onto the ground right next to it. It will be close to the last time I will wake up like that. In five days time I will be waking up to the sounds of footsteps, ringing phones, dogs barking, air so crisp it strings the lungs. I will be waking up on a bed instead of four inches off the ground. My head will be swirling with dreams of Japan. I will be confused, I will be elated, I will be deflated. I will go through the same process I did when I came here. Hurting is natural after a something good is over and although hurting is never looked forward to or enjoyed, it is the only way we can truly process and rid ourselves of unwanted feelings. In five days time I will be waking up to this person who I think I know, who I have seen in this bed before, in this house before, but it will not be the same person. It will be me one year older. One year away from everything I have ever known. One year come full circle back to the familiar and on to the new me.

It will probably feel like I have intense over acuteness of the senses. Well, I guess after jet lag kicks in. At least I hope for that. I want to see this place from a different perspective, I want to feel moved, I want to feel the passion that rolled around in me all year for this place and these people, I want to breathe and really and truly feel that crispness I have been longing for for so long. I want to be content with where I will be in life, I want to feel at peace with myself, even if it is just for a short time before time starts rearing it's ugly head once again. I want to know that I have done something grand and I can be proud of myself for it. I still don't know how I should feel because I am still here. It's always easier to get a better view if you take a few steps back. Which I will be doing. Right back over the ocean. Right back into the life that I have always lived.

In five days time I will not know the answer but I will feel closer to it. In five days time the blur of life will spin around and around me and if I sit still for too long it will pass me by. In five days time I will have to fall into the spinning blur for hopes that I can be a part of this chaos that went on without me while I was gone. In five days time I will not say good morning in Japanese, instead I will say it in English. In five days time I will not be engrossed with giant spiders or strange fashions. In five days time I will see the faces I have missed and then I will miss the faces I have seen. In five days time I will feel a champion at the language, I will conquer the roads not on my little red bike with the basket but in a big SUV with the air conditioner. In five days time I will look like everyone else and they will not pass me a second glance. In five days time I will hug the people who I have only seen through a web cam and then I will get online and not be able to hug the same person I was hugging yesterday. In five days time I will feel the thin air, feel the love around me, I will feel the heaviness of my heart, I will not no what to do. In five days time I will be in Colorado. In five days time Japan will be just a memory.

Missing Already

2009-07-17T02:03:00.001-06:00

Sometimes it just down pours for literally 30 seconds and then stops. It just did right before I started writing this and it was the fastest downpour in the history of my life. Well, maybe there was a shorter one yesterday.

The clouds today look like the clouds in the opening of "The Simpsons", so fluffy and the sky so blue behind them. Which is also confusing if it was just raining. It confuses me more to think that the blue sky can actually be BEHIND the puffy clouds. I don't think that is possible. I was also told this morning not to look at the sun on the specific days of the eclipse. Aren't you never supposed to look directly at the sun? Maybe its different in Japan. Maybe they enjoy looking at the sun. I told my teacher I would try my best not to look at it.

Well today is just another day in Japan. Except I actually had to speak Japanese in front of both of my schools to thank them for the year. Wait, wasn't I just doing that to thank them for what was to come? Wasn't I just stepping off the plane into this foreign country? How is it that I am leaving next week? I can`t really answer any of those questions--they are what we like to call rhetorical. And since these questions just spin around in my head unanswered I just put on my lucky outfit and hope for the best. Yes, I have a lucky outfit. I wore it my first day here. It did fit a lot better a year ago though. Gah, a year ago. Really? Ok I will stop with the questions. I think its all starting to hit me right now. I was hoping it would at some point. Good thing its before I go and not when I get home. Although I could picture myself sitting on my bed in my parents house just crying because I don't know what happened to my life. Just for a few minutes because that`s all I cry for. About 20 minutes a year. Minus the night I graduated, but that wasn't my fault, I blame some of the beverages I consumed that night for that long ass cry. We shan't talk of that night.

I took a picture of the office today but I don't really know why. To show people maybe? I actually pictured myself showing my grandma. "BZ, this is where I sat. For many hours". Why would one take a picture of a place they don't really like? Why would one want to remember something such as that? I guess it is a memory nonetheless. The office was the place where I spent many hours growing my ass. Gotta have a picture to place the blame. Some might think that it would be smart if I took a picture of the classroom, but I didn't spend much time in there. Don't ask why they call it teaching. They should call it ass growing. With a little teaching thrown in every odd day.

I complain, but the job was the worst part and it wasn't even that bad. Ok, yes it was. It was that bad. But the rest of everything was amazing. I am happy and sad right now. I don't really think that its possible to have two emotions at once, but somehow I have achieved the impossible! Maybe that is why my stomach hurts. I am sad to leave behind the great people of this country, but I am excited to come home to the great people of my own country. The beauty will be missed here, but the beauty at home is just as good. Well, a different kind, a more familiar kind, but I think I will be seeing it through different eyes this time around. Being away makes one appreciate home even more. Not to say the people and places are replaceable, not even close, but that is why I am happy and sad at the same time. Ultimately it is a sacrifice I have to make. For myself. It makes sense in my head, but for some reason the words are all wrong on paper. I think they might feel that way for a while to come. At least while I am feeling two completely opposite emotions at once. The English word that is most overused and poorly used in Japan is "enjoy". And "maybe". But enjoy especially. But in this case, I will have to use it full heatedly, I will just enjoy the time I have left. I will appreciate this place, this beauty and these people for one more week. I will continue to be both happy and sad. I will go home and miss it more than I even thought possible. And when it rains I will think of the 30 second downpours in Japan and miss it all over again. And that might be the time where all I can do is cry.

Spinning into Nothing

2009-07-14T07:26:00.003-06:00

It seems that my blog has turned into more of a formal writing page than anything and because of that I have dreaded writing in it. I have decided that it is my blog damnit and I can write whatever things that come to my head no matter how insignificant and trivial. I also blame my writing set up. I have a table that is 2 feet off the ground and sitting here writing for long periods of time isn't really that comfortable. The small table however, has no negative impact on my facebooking. It's a different sitting position I tell you!

I am up later than I would like but once again, don't blame me. I'm waiting to skype with a very elusive brother of mine and and happy that tracking him down will soon come to and end. Well, not really, but now I can just call his phone until he decides to call me back. Skype is a miracle from God, but there are some days where I am just plain sick of it. I just want my friends to be there in the flesh. It looks like I will forever be stuck with the curse of not having all my friends just a drive away. Looks like it can be disguised as a blessing as well. Someday we will all gather together in a festive manner. I just hope it's before my funeral. That's usually when all the people you ever loved come to something of yours. And by then, what's the point? What a waste.

A lot has been swimming around in my head these past few days and I am not really sure what to make of all of it. I know that the confusion won't come to an end until it's too late and the clarity will be all too painful. I have less than two weeks left in the life I have known for a year and right now I feel somewhat numb to it all. It just doesn't seem like it's really happening. It is the exact feeling I felt one year ago today. Coming to Japan was just words out of my mouth or writing on a page. It meant nothing. Flying home is the same. I am too many things and it just spins around until it is nothing.

I desperately want it to mean something, then it could hit me and I could really and truly cherish every last moment I live here. But I can't shake the haze and my desperate attempts fall like ash on the ground. Each day I wake up and it's there, I have a sense of it, but then it goes away as fast as it came. I am lucky if it lasts more than a minute. Funny how that works, the primal feeling of our true selves, of our connection with ourselves the most is in that first moment of waking and then all to quickly it has disappeared. Then we just go on living our lives like every other day, not really giving it much of a second thought. Someday I hope to capture this feeling and keep it bottled up so I can use it when I need it. You can't use it all the time or you would explode from over acuteness of the senses, but it would be nice to keep the purity of your dreams and your true self for days like today when the world as you know it is about to shift again. And all you can do is sit there like a big idiot.

One time I actually kept this feeling with me for most of the day. It was probably one of the most amazing feelings I have ever had. The day was nothing special--I woke up and felt lighter. I went to lunch with my friend in my tye dye pants and for some reason I could not stop laughing. I laid in the parking lot of my apartment complex and just embraced the beauty of it all. And no, I wasn't on drugs. Then I had a brilliant idea for a paper and I didn't start writing it until ten that night when it was due the next day. I didn't even go to bed that night. The next day the feeling was gone. But guess what? I got an A+ on that paper. Damn straight.

I try not to think about everything too much, but with all of this time and nothing else to really think about, it keeps creeping into my head. I am excited and nervous and ready and not ready and sad. I am hurting more than I thought because I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to forget. I don't want it to end for anyone else because I know it will never truly end for me. I will take Japan and make it part of me. That way it will be around for as long as I am. It's too much for human emotions to really grasp all at once I think. It creeps up slowly and sometimes has a sudden attack, but usually just happens and is explained as a part of life. So far I have no other explanation either.

For now I will just let it spin until the nothing finally becomes something.

Beautiful Nagasaki

2009-06-25T10:27:00.000-06:00

The Old Man is Snoring

2009-06-25T10:24:00.001-06:00

The Japanese call this season tsuyu. Meaning rainy season. A rather unfortunate season for people who only have a bike for their mode of transportation. Luckily, or rather unluckily, due to climatic differences in the weather, most likely the cause of global warming, the rain this year is rather tame. Not even in comparison (I would have nothing to compare it to anyway), just tame even for what I was expecting. From the stories I heard. Yes, there have been days where it has come down in sheets, but usually it is at a very convenient time. When I am indoors. Knock on wood. This past week it has been cloudy and the rain has come everyday in some way, shape or form. I have a love hate relationship with rain, so my weather emotions have been all over the place. This week I have been liking it much more than I thought I would. Maybe I will give it a second chance. It is just really inconvenient when I have to ride to school and I am wet as I start the day. Even with my cool rain slicker outfit. The other day though I rode in it to go swimming and since I was getting wet anyway it obviously didn't matter. I don't know if it is because I had that in mind, but it was invigorating riding to the pool. It felt refreshing and tasted like Japan. A little strange, but still pretty good. And I did taste it. While I was waiting to cross the street. At a big intersection. If I don't get stared at enough already...

Things here are picking up once again and I could not be more welcoming of the crowded schedule that awaits me for July. As much as I probably wouldn't ever say this when I am busy, I would rather be busy than bored. Last summer I had no time to breathe and I`m sure I complained about not having time, but after a year of more time than I have ever had before, I think busy is always the way to go. Sitting around thinking of things to do isn't for the young and free like me!

Because of that I will be adventuring to the prefecture a bit northeast of here for some good times and great oldies. Or great newbies I should say. I am going with two friends who are in the mood for a change of scenery like me, and I have no doubts that is what we will have. We will be heading out tomorrow night, taking a overnight ferry that docks at Yawatahama in the early morning. We will then step out onto Shikoku soil where our five day adventure awaits us. This road trip consists of visiting other ALTs, going swimming with dolphins, hiking, white water rafting, museums, shrines, good food, and fun exploring. Shikoku is straight inaka which roughly translates into country bumpkin land. It is not a high tourist prefecture but it is supposed to be beautiful with enough for new folk like us to do on our trip. So we will be packing the car full of tasty snacks, good tunes and high spirits as we take a drive around the beautiful Japanese countryside.

Upon returning from Shikoku I have a feeling the end of my journey will be quite the whirlwind. Not only am I going to have to pack all of my things (its amazing all of the stuff your acquire in just one year) and close out my accounts, but I am going to be going to goodbye parties, a train enkai, row boating in a gorge, visiting a Japanese friend in her home town, staying in a cabin by a waterfall, swimming in the ocean and of course just going to all of my favorite places one last time. That is all going to be done in only 4 weeks. And then the goodbyes will start which I can`t even think about. It is not going to be easy by any means. It is so strange to think that I will be back in Colorado in only one month and 2 days. With the days I am going to be gone, end of the year tests and closing ceremonies, I only have eight days left of teaching. EIGHT. I have really mixed feelings about that because the teaching this past semester has been better--I have really enjoyed most of my classes and all of the teachers I teach with. That will be sad, but I am more than ready to be finished sitting in the office. It is hard to get sad or excited right now because although the job has been challenging for me in so many ways this year, it has been such a positive experience. From the teachers I have met to the things I have learned, I will never forget teaching English in Japan. Even if there are moments where I want to...With that being said though, I am ready to move on to the next stage of my career. To the next stage of life. What will be difficult to move on from is the culture and the beauty of this place. I know I have said it time and time again, but it never fails to amaze me how gorgeous Japan really is. In so many ways. The hardest part will be bidding farewell to the people. I have carved out such big part of my heart for my friends here so the empty feeling will not go unnoticed. Here I am trying not to think about it, but writing it anyway. It hasn't fully hit me yet. I don`t think it will until the time comes.

I will post pictures of Shikoku when I get back and I`m sure I will find time to write about my last adventures in Kumamoto. Here is to the last month in Japan! No doubt it will be just as unforgettable as the previous eleven. Cheers!

"Take a plane to Japan and drink sake with the mafia"

2009-05-25T06:51:00.001-06:00

Kikichi Gorge

2009-05-25T06:49:00.001-06:00

"I fell in love with the people in the front row"

Colliding Contradictions

2009-05-12T06:49:00.005-06:00

I am not sure if there will ever be a time where saying goodbye to the people you love will be easy. I actually hope there won't. Not that I am a masochist, but that can define your love for someone. Among the top ten things that I cannot deal with very easily, saying goodbye is right up there with change and death. They are painful on their own levels of course, some being more, well, morbid than others, but none of them is a walk in the park. I would much rather just use "see you later" or "just for now". For all three of those topics. I think that gives me internal peace, even if it is somewhat of a lie. I say this because I had to say goodbye recently and then I watched P.S. I Love You, which is all about love and death. And I am such a sucker for morbid love stories. It gets me every time. And I am thinking about moving home which is obviously change. With that being said, please pardon my sappy like ways.

It is another beautiful and sunny day in Matsubase, Japan--the heat is starting to swelter, the bugs are coming back and we, being the teachers, are at school. And it is a Sunday. Parents day. At least we don't have school tomorrow to make up for it. It all makes sense in some sort of twisted way. But then again, that`s Japan for you. I am trying my very best not to cringe while being here, but after a two week vacation, I cannot help but wish I was back on the beach. Which is where I was one week ago today, and it was perfect. The waves were crashing, the sun was shining and I had my friends surrounding me. I couldn't have hoped for anything better. Except maybe more time. I could always use more time. Yet going with Japan's wonderful theme of contradictions, I am also gearing up to go home in more ways than one. I sent home winter clothes with Lauren and I watched my love for Japan crack a bit under the weight of something much stronger that has been hiding for a good while. The love for home. I haven't felt homesick in much too long and I was hoping it wouldn't come back this soon, but because I had my slice of home in Japan, it all came crashing down and I could no longer ignore it. Not to say I am completely ready or if I will ever be, but I am more ready than I was and in a way I am feeling good about that. I feel good I am making the right decisions. Being that I have less than three months left I have started looking at time in not just passing by, but as a tool that I can mold as I wish. I am going to utilize this time the best way I know how and take advantage of living here. I have been doing some travel, but I am not yet content, so for any weekend that looks free I am going to go somewhere and do something. Jess and I have started to plan and when we sit down to look at our calendars, I will be picking a few spots I have been dying to see. There is nothing holding me back at this point except me. So its time to take off running.

Looking back on my time here I cannot even take it all in at once. Its a funny feeling now--10 months in, a funny feeling that I cannot put into words without feeling as though I am cheating myself of the truth. Its gone too slow and too fast all at once, it has been too hard, yet too easy, it has been more than enough, yet not enough. Once again, it has been the land of contradictions. It has been nothing but Japan. And as I said before I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. And as ready as I will be to come home, I will always miss this place. I will always have a part of it with me. I will always hold the deepest respect for this culture and the people who thrive in it. And because of that I feel a resounding peace within my heart because if I didn't know what I wanted out of coming here, I certainly do now. I have found it over and over again. In every person I meet, in every experience I have in every new thing I try, in every risk I take, in every way I think. I have found what I didn't even know I was looking for, I have filled a piece of myself I didn't even know was empty, I have seen what I didn't even know I was blind to. I have fulfilled my wishes more than I could have ever dreamed and for that I am eternally grateful. I know now I will have no regrets when I leave this place because I have done what I truly wanted to do. I wanted to expand myself in a culture I knew nothing about, I wanted to meet people from around the world, I wanted to learn and learn some more. And I wanted to grow. I have done all of those things plus more. I have gone deeper within myself than I ever imagined possible, and now I finally see that I am bottomless within my thoughts. We never stop growing, we never stop learning about ourselves. I can now embrace the quickness of time because as I get older I am discovering more things about myself and to me that is one of the most exciting things a person can do. It is also one of the most important things a person can do because this self discovery translates into respect for others and respect for yourself. I can feel my new found strength and I can finally begin to put it to use, I can finally understand what I wasn't able to before. Although I am not, nor will I ever be completely "solved" or figured out, I can strive for the never ending growth. And I will surely bask in that. Somehow with all of that being said, I still feel like these words cannot describe my true feeling, because of either my limited vocabulary or just because language cannot truly describe feelings. Not fully. Not exactly.
The past few weeks have gone by quicker than I even thought possible and I am left standing in the quiet after the loud. I didn't think it would be hard all over again when I wake up alone in my apartment, but for the first few days it has been that same heavy feeling I felt when i first got here and I am eager to dispose of it quickly. Each day gets a bit easier and before I know it I will be used to the silence once again. I have many views on living alone and having a space for yourself. I don't want to dive into them all right now but all i will say is that it is necessary for everyone at some point in their lives. It is also necessary for it to not last too long. At least for me.

Lauren arrived on a rainy Friday and we slowly made our way back to my apartment. Aside from a few minor setbacks, everything went smoothly and we arrived back in Matsubase in one piece. Even though Lauren was exhausted she was a great sport, letting me drag her around everywhere I wanted to show her including some extremely challenging and tiring classes. We began our adventure as soon as she got there and did not stop to rest once. We had dinner with friends, went to a school concert, taught classes, tried all kinds of food, we went swimming, went to karaoke, wenr to the gym, to Mt. Aso, to Kumamoto Castle, out in the city, shopping around town, and to a few beaches. We camped in Miyazaki and body surfed in the Pacific. We danced on the beach, we joked, we talked, we were roommates once again. It was not hard to get used to, it was all too natural. I was beyond grateful that she got to come and experience a little bit of this part of my life. When you experience almost everything with someone for four years, it becomes second nature to want them to see and understand everything you are seeing. I was beginning to doubt that she could make it over and I was initially crushed--not knowing how to truly explain this part of my life without her actually seeing it. It was hard for me to accept there might be a gap in this part of our friendship. Not that I worried about us not being friends, that I would never worry about, just that she would not be able to understand this life, this part of me and that I would not do justice in an explanation. But my worries were washed away when she told me she would be coming and every time I thought about it, I could not help but smile. I had a hard time believing that she was actually in Japan until the weekend had passed and it finally sunk in.

I cannot believe how fortunate I have been this year. Not just to be accepted into this program, but to meet the wonderful people I have--each one of them showing bringing something special, something completely unique to my experience, to my life, to me. Each friend I have met has touched me so deeply and I know I will take a part of them with me where ever I go in the future. If it was not enough already to have met such great people, I also got the honor of having great people I love come visit me. My family was able to leave the states all together for the first time to meet me in Thailand and then went against all they knew, all that was comfortable to them and came to Japan. It is not easy to travel that far to such an unfamiliar place with that many people, but it wasn't even a question of whether or not they would come. They did not even hesitate. Dan hitch hiked from Tokyo to my doorstep just to spend time with me before ending his jaunt across Asia. Again, it was not even a question. He did not waver once. Lauren left the country for the first time and traveled by herself to be with me. Once she got the go ahead she did not have to think twice. And if that weren't enough already I have received letters, cards, presents, phone calls, e-mails from people from all walks of life telling me they are proud of me, they are happy for me and they love me and they miss me. They really miss me. I don`t even know how to express my gratitude. I am overwhelmed with happiness and thanks to live such a blessed life. I will never be able to truly show how much it means to me, but I want to thank everyone who has been there for me, it means more than you will ever know. Thank you. I am forever grateful.

Life will never fail to amaze me and I will look forward to continue growing and learning. I will look forward to always being amazed at how truly and unbelievably beautiful it all really is.

The Wedding!

2009-04-16T02:23:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:19:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:18:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:16:00.000-06:00

Spring time and South Korea!

2009-04-16T02:13:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:12:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:10:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:08:00.000-06:00

2009-04-16T02:05:00.000-06:00

I am falling in love

2009-04-08T05:56:00.006-06:00

The clear days brings with it a sense of something refreshing yet I cannot breathe clearly without feeling heaviness within me. I glance around the beautiful park as I sit in a small plastic chair slowly chewing the mixture of seaweed, rice and shrimp that I have somehow I learned to love. I smile as I feel my eyes begin to water. A small girl laughs as her dad chases her, two men bow and smile happily, a woman points to a cluster of flowers she likes and nods her head as her husband it picks up. A little boy tugs at his mom's skirt as he finishes his cotton candy. The men at the table next to us laugh loudly as they fill each other's cups with sake and beer. They call out to us in their broken English, asking us where they are from and if we like sushi. I laugh and look at my friend as she finishes her cotton candy and throws the chop sticks in the plastic bag. There is beauty all around me and I cannot hide my happiness. Flowers of all kinds are arranged in crates creating beautiful designs all across the muddy parking lot. The heaviness becomes almost unbearable as I look around this peaceful place and I close my eyes to keep them from watering more. I feel this way because I know I will have to leave it all too soon. It strikes me as mildly ironic on this soft spring day because even though I saw the beauty of this place when I got here, it wasn't until recently I finally realized how much I was truly feeling the beauty this place has to offer. We get up and tell the men we will not go to sushi with them as they call after us. I smile and wave, hoping they won't be bold enough to follow, even though I know they would never. We wander around the hundreds of flowers pointing at the ones that strike us, smiling and greeting the people around us. Children watch us with awe, some even come and say hello in English, shy yet excited. Walking across the park to the edge of the hill I am left breathless by the view. This town that was just a cluster of foreign buildings and narrow streets a mere 7 months ago has finally become something more than that to me; it has become my home. My friend points and in the distance I can see the ocean. I widen my eyes, for I am surprised at how close it truly is. How did I not come to this place before? The heavy feeling returns, I feel the pressure of time breathing down my neck.

We walk down to the park, taking in the beauty of the cherry blossom trees all around us, watching the petals fall like snow to the ground. The grass is covered in them, creating a white veil of petals in a ring around the trees. We find the large slide and I laugh as I watch a little boy make his way down it. He nervously holds on to the side and glaces back at his dad. His dad gives him a big smile, letting the boy know it is ok. He is suddenly unafraid as he loosens his grip for the rest of the ride down. I follow him laughing the whole way because the rollers tickle me and I am obviously the oldest one going down. We walk down to the monkey bars and smile now that we can touch them while standing on the ground. I swing my legs around frantically as my friend takes a silly picture. We have melted into former versions of ourselves, we have gone back in time. I do a handstand in the damp grass, laughing as I fall over all too quickly. It has been much too long. As I lay on my back I am again left breathless because of how unrealistically blue the sky is. I tell my friend it is like someone clicked on the saturation button in a picture program. It just doesn't get this blue in real life. The moon peaks through two green trees, still so white, like a pearl in the bottom of a deep, blue swimming pool. We find a teeter totter, a wooden one at that, the kind they don't make in the States anymore. I am all too quickly sucked into the past and we cannot resist trying it out. The mud at the bottom squishes between my toes and I laugh as my friend pushes up and lets my feet hit with a big splatter. When we finish trying the old teeter totter we wander around, finally taking a seat on the small tables lined up against the pound littered with Lily pads and fallen petals. I take too many pictures, desperately trying the capture the beauty that I feel all around me. I finally put my camera away, knowing it is impossible to do so. Being the hopeless romantic that I am I picture walking hand in hand with someone down the hill lined with cherry blossom trees, listening to the laughter of children as we talk quietly about our own childhood memories at the park.

After my friend and I have had our fill plus some, we walk back down the hill talking of the beautiful wedding we had been to the day before, the waterfall we had gone to in the summer, our first memories of this place and our first memories of each other, our fears of coming so far away, our comforts now, and our concerns about the future. I tell my friend I want to travel, I want to see the world, but I am left with a bitter taste in my mouth after I say it because I am seeing the world I don't want to leave this part of it. Not yet at least. I take a breath and remind myself there is still time. I have four months left in this place I have fallen in love with over and over again, and just because I have to go away does not mean that I won't love it forever. So I will do what I have set out to do and love it just as much if not more. I will love it for everything it is and everything it is not. I will love the people around me because they too have taken a hold of me, and that grip is stronger than any other force. It is something that will not let go and has changed me so I will never be quite same again. As the sun sets on this perfect day I will smile and hold onto what I have and greet another day in Japan with even more bliss than I did the day before because as a passerby once mentioned to me on my travels, "there are no re-runs, this is it", and it suddenly became all too clear--this is my one shot. I better make it good.

I Believe

2009-03-02T07:16:00.002-07:00

Ok here it is. Actual evidence that there is some sort of something going on in my head! It is still a work in progress, but I thought I would post what I have so far.

I believe...
I believe in sleeping in, I believe in diving into a refreshing pool on a hot day, I believe in a cold shower after a hard workout and hot chocolate on a winter day, I believe in the smell of old fashioned things, gasoline, and fresh cut grass. I believe in movies that cover large chunks of time, the sight of pure and untouched nature, in the sound of crashing waves, in late night rain and cheering fan, the silence of a new fallen snow and the crunch of a crispy quesadilla. I believe in ice cream of any flavor and the warmth of a true hug. I believe in white noise and background music when I am doing mindless tasks. I believe in an arm around me, the air filling my lungs and spiritual understanding. I believe in mind over matter, and the power of sheer will. I believe in black nail polish, sweat pants, eyeliner, video cameras and goggles. I believe in the tranquility of being underwater, the calm of shade in the park, and the peace of mind right before I fall asleep. I believe in the chaos of school assemblies, the roar of a football stadium after a touchdown, the thumping beat of a good song, the ear ringing after a great concert, the scratching of a pencil on new paper, the excitement of a much anticipated event, a smile that truly means something. I believe in the sound of my name being called from far away and real, deep down belly laughter. I believe in a good journal, the buzzing of my phone, the three words “I miss you”. I believe in floss and perfume, in tampons and conditioner. Lots of conditioner. I believe in a good shave to make me feel sexy, a good book to make me think and a good movie to make me cry. I believe in a raised hand in a classroom, the sound of clinking silverware, an insightful question, an original dance move and a new crush.

I believe in passion and showing that passion, I believe in a good Colorado beer, a sweet crisp apple and anything with multiple flavors in one bite. I believe in jewelry, trampolines, scooters and SUVs. I believe in a good run on the ski slopes, a good serve on the tennis courts, a good start in a swim race and the view after a long hike. I believe in a familiar face in a sea of unfamiliar ones, a song that brings back memories, and pictures that make you yearn contently. I believe in fridge magnets, frying pans and dumbbells. I believe in e-mails and chocolate, in holidays and bar-b-ques. I believe in the sand between my toes, a full cooler on a summer day, and a good board game with lots of friends. I believe in the sweat after a long night dancing, the smell of cooking mushrooms and the initial ease into a hot tub. I believe in all day outside, discovering short cuts and roller coasters where your legs dangle down. I believe in the “teacher voice”, the look of pride, the accomplished feeling of a job well done. I believe in no regrets, in playing with kids, in making someone laugh and snow angels. I believe in a good sneeze, the stars on a clear night, the warmth of a sleeping bag, the unconditional love from dogs, the soreness after hard work. I believe in the downhill after the uphill, the spray of a waterfall, the crinkle of a wrapper being torn and the ringing of a doorbell. I believe in the feel of a good back rub, lotion on dry skin, stretching after a run and a much needed yawn. I believe in gum and snail mail, in long walks and the last bell of the day. I believe in keeping an accurate social itinerary, keeping in touch with the people I care about and keeping trinkets that tell a story. I believe in a good margarita, the gasp of a surprise, tears of happiness and the embrace after its been too long. I believe in healthy competition, a hilarious TV show and too much sarcasm.

I believe in pep talks and pump up songs, in scrap books and slideshows. I believe in trying to talk in accents and in constantly envisioning scenes for potential stories or movies. I believe in caramel apple pops and scavenger hunts, I believe that kindness goes a long way and humor goes an even longer way. I believe in coffee and pastries, in take out and in the take off of an airplane. I believe in self made mad-libs games, roasting marshmallows, skinny dipping and play dough. I believe in the respect for others, drink specials, karaoke and late night snacks with a good friend. I believe in spandex and festivals, in big thunderstorms and porch swings. I believe in a conversation that lasts much longer than you intended, dressing up, making silly faces and drawing silly pictures. I believe in fruit in my jell-o, mustard on my hotdogs, sugar in my coffee, salt on my eggs, parmesan cheese on my pasta and icing on my cake. I believe in writing stories, wearing costumes, seeing plays, watching races, designing assignments and decorating my house. I believe in playgrounds, class discussion, informative videos and spontaneity. I believe in road trips and random facts, in patience, nicknames, creativity, text messages and dryers. I believe in looking to the future, thinking about the past and newly, living in the present. I believe in trying new things, in driving fast, in meeting new people, in the elderly and in King Soopers. I believe in browsing book stores and in carpools, in coffee dates and weddings.

I believe in my ability to ease any situation, easy to read charts, tradition, tours, family dinners and the sound of running water. I believe in beautiful art, in historic sites, field trips, fudge, bunnies, sunsets, bus rides and kissing. I believe in bug spray and zipper pockets, in air conditioner and in my i-pod. I believe in modern science, dirt roads, cowboy boots, the internet and my imagination. I believe in my family, I believe in my grandma and her amazing strength and unfaltering love, I believe in my mom, I believe she is my biggest inspiration. I believe I would not be who I am without my brothers or my cousins. I believe in my friends and their ability to help shape me, I believe I am truly blessed to know each one of them. I believe in the English language and its power. I believe in different ways of doing the same thing, in different cultures, in different foods and in different people. I believe in staying up late, going home early and getting in line first. I believe in knowing where you come from, in the more the merrier, a nice patio dinner and in ‘jumping’ pictures. I believe in sleepovers and bike rides, I believe in fried chicken and brownies, I believe I would like to open a restaurant combing those two things. I believe in sandboxes, karaoke, high dives and a good game of tag. I believe in palm trees and slippers, in telling and hearing good stories, in scars and windows, in sushi and bingo. I believe in teaching and sharing, in mirrors and flirting. I believe that food tastes better in small bites, I believe that eating something with a spoon upside down is more effective and that all drinks taste better with straws.

I believe that dreams mean something and that everything happens for a reason. I believe in karma and cheese, in Frisbee and poems. I believe in teachers and coaches, in good advice and good examples. I believe something big is coming for me and that I will be deserving of whatever it is. I believe I act too much like my dad and think too much like my mom, I believe I will never do something because others are doings it. I believe in all forms of entertainment, harmless bets and phrases like “globe trotting”, “trip the light fantastic” “sally batch” and “genki-fied”. I believe in appetizers, and water bottles, in picnics and bare feet. I believe my good intentions to be productive always fall by the wayside because of my social tendencies and I believe I am the best procrastinator I know. I believe you don`t realize how important someone was until they are not around anymore and that missing someone is one of the worst feelings ever. I believe fear can only consume you if you let it, I believe in the beauty of flowers and newborn babies, the strength of just one look, literature, roller blades, block parties and surprises. I believe in western toilets, eastern food and southern living. I believe in peace and affection, in Christmas lights and balloons. I believe in the power of mankind and the ability for us to be great in terms of destruction and creation. I believe in the good of bees and spiders and I have an immense appreciation for lane ropes, airplanes, good handshakes, telephones and cheesecake. I believe there is something more than just this world, I believe in the courage it takes to hold that belief. I believe in life and everything amazing that comes with it and, after all this time, I am finally beginning to believe in myself.

It's all HAPPENING!

2009-02-25T05:20:00.003-07:00

Question: Why did the dinosaurs get so big?

Answer: It all boils down to their diet, the temperature of the air versus their bodies and most importantly, the fact that they had millions of years to evolve. And nothing in this present day and age has had that time. In a nutshell.

More important question: Why am I reasearching dinosaurs?

Answer: I can only have so much self motivation to study. Then I need to do some sort of brain activity to keep it from slowly rotting away.

Truth: I am not going to learn Japanese. I will keep trying to think I want to...But let's face it, it's been 7 months and I have yet to do much of anything.

Annoucements:
"It's all HAPPENING!" (A quote stolen from a great movie. If you don't know then you don't deserve to know)

What might be the happenings one might ask? Well I will name them.

Feburary is almost over marking the end of a few things:
1. The "coldest month in Japan" (I argue that)
2. Sobriety for yours truly
3. Lack of classes
4. Lack of motivation
5. Chocolate addiction

And March begins! Which marks the beginning of these things:
1. Eating well and working out
2. South Korea!!
3. Nice weather
4. Cherry blossoms everywhere!
5. Concern for my future

Mostly good things happening. And more brain activity seems to be going on lately which is very exciting news. I can't say if this will spark some sort of interesting writing, but I think it's coming. I can feel it.

I would just like to say I just put my i-tunes on shuffle and there has been nothing but good songs. Which should be the case usually, but I had some sneaky family members (ahem Hillary) put some terrible music (ahem Hannah Montana) on there and I become enraged everytime it comes on.

Besides the listed happenings, there is a lot of thought going on for the rest of this year in terms of friends, work, working out and traveling. I am battling with a lot of conflicting feelings about leaving in 5 months which I'm sure will be more intense come time to actually go. I have also been doing a lot of thinking about what I am going to do when I get back...Which will also become more instense when it is closer too. Jobs are looking slim. Which isn't a surprise, but it might be when I find myself living with my parents and working at the local Hobby Lobby. Ok will not work there no matter what. Not even if I was dirt poor and living in a box by the river. WITH my parents. That's how much I would NOT work there. Gah that place. Horrific yet necessary establishment.

So there are the happenings! I will be back with a writing piece in the next few days.

Cheers.

It's Almost Famous by the way. I really hope you knew that. And if you haven't seen it I don't wanna hear it.

P.S. Best blog ever----> www.fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com

Good times in Kumamoto!

2009-02-21T23:24:00.001-07:00

J party! Some of the dress choices for Suzy's wedding!

2009-02-21T23:22:00.000-07:00

2009-02-21T23:20:00.000-07:00

All the rage

2009-02-02T04:51:00.000-07:00

25 random things about me:

1. I try to have a dance party regardless of time or place at least 3 times a week

2. Although I am going to be an English teacher (hopefully), I am the worst speller you will ever meet and grammar really confuses me.

3. When I am not listening to someone I repeat the question they asked in a bit of a different tone so I can actually think about what I wasn’t listening to

4. I often picture myself performing in a hit Broadway play or in Lord of the Dance

5. I regularly read books while walking

6. I make sure not to be on time to big social functions

7. No matter what I do or how hard I try, I will never be a morning person

8. I often ride my bike with no handle bars so I can finish putting on my jacket, backpack, my i-pod or eat or drink something

9. The longest story I have ever written was 56 pages with the rest ranging from 20-45 and I have at least 10 unfinished attempts at some sort of story

10. If I like a song I play it on repeat until I know all of the words

11. I can do the worm (backwards)

12. I have not watched any TV, driven a car or taken any medicine in 6 months

13. I often have full on conversation with two imaginary characters out loud with myself

14. I think I am truly addicted to Facebook

15. I had the skin that connects your upper lip to your gums cut in high school

16. I have never had a cavity or broken a bone

17. I believe all drinks are better with straws

18. I can’t sleep without holding a bundle of something soft (blanket, pillow, sweatshirt)

19. I have been biting my nails since I was in 5th grade. Therefore I have not cut my nails since 5th grade.

20. I am anal about my teeth yet I rarely brush my hair

21. I really loathe shopping

22. I am completely and utterly captivated by REAL old fashioned things

23. I love surprises in any way, shape or form

24. I played with Barbies until I was in the 8th grade and I danced with friends in front of my video camera until I was a senior in high school

25. I frequently dream of co-existing with water dwelling beings or exploring places like the ocean, space or haunted houses and I often feel the need to tell anyone who will listen about them.

Local English Teacher Catches Common Cold

2009-01-29T05:00:00.001-07:00

LOCAL ENGLISH TEACHER CATCHES COMMON COLD

Matsubase Japan—January 29th, 2009-- Due to a series of unfortunate events, local English teacher, Jessica Dawkins, has fallen victim to the merciless and unforgiving common cold. Dawkins, 23, was reported to start showing symptoms after a weekend of utter debauchery and ridiculousness in the name of the well known "Australia Day" holiday. The cause of these symptoms is still unknown although her lack of sleep and the sharing of drinks are reported to be suspicious causes. Dawkins` friend, Lander Sims, claimed that she shared a few drinks with him at the party the previous weekend after he himself had been experiencing cold-like symptoms. "I don`t think we thought it through" Sims told Moto weekly "It just kind of happened". Although Dawkins has not said much about the direct link to Sims, she has been quoted saying it was "probably not a good idea".

Researchers think that the three hours of sleep on Saturday night leading up to the holiday contributed to Dawkins unfortunate circumstances. Rhonda Dwight, co-head and part time research-assistant director of the notorious magazine, 'Colds Blow', claims that Dawkins has "not been sleeping well or giving herself enough rest, which almost always leads to this problem". Dwight failed to comment on the beer drinking incident, saying it was "none of her business". Dawkins did admit to lack of sleep before the party and when asked why she claimed that she "was too cold to fall asleep". After extensive testing researchers did find out that Dawkins was in fact more cold than usual on Saturday night and eventually Dawkins did admit that she had a lot on her mind which prevented her from a peaceful sleep. Along with a stuffy nose and a slight cough, Dawkins reported dreaming of "birthdays, spiders, mice, submarines, underwater exploring, basketball and kidnapping psychos, roller coasters and swimming with marine creatures", which are all related to fever-like dreaming. Although Dawkins claims that the mice and spiders were the only thing out of the ordinary and she proceeded to wake up in a cold sweat directly after those particular dreams.

Other suspicious contributions to Dawkins receiving this menacing annoyance are certain sick students and teachers she woks with, a few sick friends aside from Sims, (rights and claims to said individuals are protected under law and are thereby subject any sort of disclosure about their biological surnames as well as whereabouts although this newspaper does not submit them directly) and the weather. "Weather is a big one" Dwight told Moto weekly. "It can really effect a person's well-being" Dawkins dismissed weather as being a main cause of her sickness, although it was reported she was seen riding her bike in the rain on Tuesday January 20th at 6:45 pm, Wednesday January 21st at 6 pm, and Thursday January 22nd at 7 pm. Dawkins' only comment on this was that she has no other way of getting around. What she was doing in the rain at that time has not yet been confirmed. It was reported that she was seen leaving the local swimming pool late Wednesday night.

Dawkins hopes to be better after this next weekend because if nothing else she would like to stop wearing the ]hideous] as she puts it, sick mask. Dwight tells Moto weekly that Dawkins should be better after this weekend if she gets lots of rest and Vitamin C. "She is young and strong so she should bounce back in no time" Dwight reportedly told her worried research team, and Dawkins seems to agree. "I think I am just going to go to bed early and sleep in a bit," She claimed after being questioned about her intention to get well. "I just am sick of being sick!" When asked if she intended to engage in anymore parties like that of "Australia Day" anytime soon she simple groaned and said "Not for a long time". Dawkins has seemed to understand the causes and is reported to be back to normal health within 3 to 4 days. It is not said at which point she will begin her domination of the current universe, but officials feel that this will have no play in delaying it and she will be able to conquer at her scheduled date for May 1st, 2009.

Moto weekly wishes Dawkins a speedy recovery.

I love my friends

2009-01-21T07:21:00.001-07:00

My ALT friends thew me a surprise birthday party. Gotta love that! :)

A few of my favorites from Thailand and Japan

2009-01-18T06:35:00.000-07:00

2009-01-18T06:33:00.000-07:00

2009-01-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

2009-01-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

In with the new

2009-01-14T06:11:00.003-07:00

2009. What? I was just getting ready for the turn of the millennium and now it's almost a decade later. I am starting to feel old.

Which actually isn't that far off the theme for this week: my birthday! Where I will surely be turning another year old and most definitely another year wiser (not an arguable point). Looking back to one year ago I cannot believe how fast it has gone, yet I cannot believe everything that has happened in just 12 months. If you would have told me I would be where I am today one year ago I would have eyed you skeptically and then thought you were weird for coming up and telling me my future. And don't even get me started on what I would have done when it came true! You freak.

So yes, here I am on the other side of the world trying to make sense of it all. And failing miserably. I am sitting in my small apartment with nothing but the sound of the keyboard rattling away, and I wonder, what the hell did I get myself into this time? Initially I thought it was way more than I could swallow. But when you take smaller bites it all goes down nice and smooth. So that's what I have been doing and it's gotten me this far. I'm still alive! What a miracle.

My brain activity has not just slowed down lately, it has come to a ugly and unpleasant stop. It's kinda just slowed down and then crashed and burned into a pile of old Japanese trash (the burnable trash--it's not recyclable matter anyhow). So with a new year comes new goals and yadda yadda yadda. But digging deeper has never really been on the menu for the year's feast, but somehow I find myself parched of something thick. So it looks like I know what to order. Now, how to create it is another matter altogether. Too bad I don't have my own personal cook. I can't even think about that because then I get all excited and for what? Nothing. Because at the end of the day it's me, my skillet and some cold salmon. Quite literally. And in other words, me, my thoughts, my observations and the missing glue that is supposed to link them together. In some mysterious way.

Well here I go again, making no sense, not even to myself. I guess what I am trying to say that instead of venturing across the globe to find the answers I have ventured and found nothing but mountains of questions. Mountains I tell you! And no answers for miles. I am really on a roll with these metaphors tonight. Although, ideally you would want them to make sense...I'll work on that.

Well it's January folks and it is cold. Which is not something new for January, unless of course you are from somewhere like Australia and then it is usually 30 Celsius and you are going to the beach...But yes, cold. So I am used the the cold. Being a Colorado native I actually thrive in the cold. I enjoy skiing, I am warm blooded--ok I know--HOT blooded. I get hella hot fast. Ask anyone! They will agree. So even though I am from a cold place, I don't LIVE in a cold place. We turn the heat on, we wear jackets, we drink hot cocoa, we enjoy the warmth of warm. So that is why I realized I am not cut out for cold. The Japanese haven't quite figured out insulation in housing, so if you aren't closing off rooms and blasting the heat (which isn't really true heat), then it is as cold in your apartment as it is outside. Needless to say when I venture to any other part of my apartment I put on my gloves, another jacket, pull my sarf tighter and put on my headband. It's not really a comfortable living situation. I can't really say this is complaining though, it's just how it is I guess. The complaining will come when it's hot, that I can guarentee. You will never hear the end of it. Because there is always a way to get warm (well, usually) but when you are hot and you want to cool down...good freaking luck.

Anyway, it's cold and I don't like it. Besides the miserable cold, the teaching is just about the same. Friends on the other hand are wonderful as always and I am looking forward to future adventures with them. Looking way ahead I am beyond excited for this summer. And looking back I had an amazing time in Thailand and my adventures thoughout Japan. A truly beautiful experience.

Well it's late so I am going to hit the futon. Next time I write I will be 23! Ah!

And I hope I make more sense when I am 23.

Goodnight.

Saynora '08!

2008-12-19T20:40:00.003-07:00

Well it has been a while, but that doesn't mean I don't still think about you, old blog. I have been seeing a newer blog, and even though I don't write, I still like you better than the new blog. It is just surface level, we never discuss my feelings. I can do that with you. Please forgive me! I promise I will come back to you and only you in short time!

Ok, yes, it has been a while. But I have been doing a lot around these parts of the world like saving babies and giving money to the poor. That's just during the day. At night I am drinking, smoking and popping pills. No one will ever know my duel identities! Muahaha.

Although that is obviously not true, the truth doesn't fall far from the exaggeration. I teach kids English at day and at night I reek havoc through the city with my friends. Which may or may not include crawling around train stations and taking naps in public places. Don't worry, my new year's resolutions should clear up any issues I may or may not have and I should be on the road to recovery in no time!

Looking back on this year has made me somewhat reflective, although mostly in awe. In awe of the power of time is mostly what it is. I have done a lot of reflecting these past few months, more than I ever have and I have failed to come to any sound conclusions about the awesome confusion life brings to us. It's been quite a ride 2008 and I shall never forget you. I did have a list of things I have done in this grand year including graduating college and moving to Japan...but snore! Boring! So I thought that writing and answering a little questionnaire for myself would provide for more insight and excitement into the my wild and crazy thoughts (remember the show, "Wild and Crazy Kids?" What a classic).

So here goes:
1. What was the most exciting thing you did this year?

Overall moving to Japan and immersing myself in a new and foreign culture. In particular I would say it hasn't happened yet. But next stop: Thailand. ONE DAY. So I think that will be pretty damn exciting.

2. Look back exactly one year ago. What were you doing this week 2007?

Humm, good question! I was probably recovering from getting dropped on my face. I was nursing that black eye and puffy lip.

3. What are 3 important realizations you have come to in the last year?

1. We won't be young forever, so live it up while you can

2. No matter where your friends are and whether they come visit you or not or whether they write to you once a week or once a month does not matter. Your friends are your friends. Period.

3. It's a big world out there and I have not seen any of it. Time to explore.

4. What are some small accomplishments you have experienced this year?

Small? Probably getting used to sleeping on a futon on the ground and doing laundry with no dryer. Maybe doing the dishes with no washer. Relying on my bike, public transport and my friends to get everywhere. Dealing with the weather and all of the lovely things that come with it like BUGS, mold, mildew smelling clothes.

5. What has been something that you have struggled with this year?

The dreaded question of what will I do with my life? As well as the struggles of teaching, coaching, post college depression, culture shock and growing up. Mostly the "next stage" of life issues.

6. What are 3 things you regret from 2008?
1. Being lazy
2. Losing touch with people
3. Not saying thank you enough to the people who truly deserve it

7. What are 3 things you are proud of from 2008?
1. Well the obvious of graduating and moving to a different country
2. Living by myself
3. Dealing with the "little things" that are always a constant battle here. In a nutshell, flexibility.

8. What is one major resolution for next year?
BE MORE DO MORE. I need to explore this country more, I need to explore myself more, I need to push myself farther than I feel comfortable doing. I need to really just go and not look back!

Ok, that was better than whatever else I was going to do. I'm sure I could go on for a while, but those are the main questions that have been circling around my head just waiting to be written down. So goodbye 2008, you were a great year! Hello 2009, I hope you prove to be just as good if not better. I have a lot to be thankful for and a lot to look forward to, and I am very fortunate to live the life that I do.

I will be welcoming the new year having freshly returned to Japan from Thailand and I am excited to welcome it in a different country. Yet another story for the grand kids.

Wishing all out there a happy holiday season and a great new year! Saynora 2008, Konnchiwa 2009!

MIss them :(

2008-11-18T04:17:00.001-07:00

This was the last sightings of my fam. It's been oh so long. Grant was MIA that day but I miss him too.

LIKE THIS!

2008-11-11T19:45:00.002-07:00

This is what I am talking about

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=W22gpBv00gg

http://jp.youtube.com/watch?v=DXEl1pEOoec&feature=related

Amazing.

The Grey

2008-11-06T08:27:00.003-07:00

So here's the thing. I should most definately be in bed right now. Especially considering I have to teach a poopton (I am trying to sensor, you know, for the kids) of classes tomorrow about Presidents and gestures. I like how I make things relevant to one another in my lessons? I guess it could work, presidents use gestures. They are people too ok?! Geeze.

Going back to the thing, I should be sleeping. But I can't sleep on account of the fact that I am still full from dinner. My friend and I have been having a "Firefly" (the TV show, you've never seen it because it's on Scifi, and it was cancelled, great show though) marathon this whole week and we have been cooking ourselves glorious feasts every night to accompany these lovely viewings. So much for thinking I could lose weight in Japan. Ha. Hahaha. I laugh at the thought now.

So as dorky as that sounds, it is! I have also been reading and writing and trying to study Japanese. All I need to start doing is watching animae and I am a certified dork! Not that there is anything wrong with that, I respect dorks of all kinds. They really add a lot to this world. Oh! And I turned down an invitation to go out and celebrate our new president's victory last night. My reason was laziness. So I stayed home and took a bath. I am really living the life here, obviously.

Aside from my crazy life of scifi show watching, story writing and bruning the midnight oil blogging, I have been working hard at trying to spend a good amount of hours on skype and facebook. Now if that doesn't sound exciting than you have lived a life I can hardly imagine. Besides studying always being "something to do", there is not much else I absolutely HAVE to get done (minus paying bills), so I am pretty much basking in that. No, I am radiating in that. If that is possible. Although there are times, more frequent as of late, that I feel like an utter shithead, most other times I am taking full advantage of it. Today I spent some time thinking about how I am going to be running around like a chicken with their head cut of when I get a real job and I got a bit nervous. I have had a bit of anxiety for no reason, so maybe that is why. For my job I will eventually have. In a year. Wow, that's when you know you've really gone looney. So there is radiating for ya. Take it for what you will.

I really wish I could riverdance. That would be amazing. I would bust it out at every party and every bar and people would chant for me. It would be even cooler than break dancing I think. Break dancing is starting to turn into a fad. I mean, everyone is doing it, so what is the fun in that. I don't think I have ever seen anyone break out into a riverdance at a party. There are probably reasons beyond my knowing for that, but I like to think they have their own parties. Wish I could be with you river folk. Wish I could. I freaking love that music too. Just Irish music in general is the bomb.com. Yeah, I said it. I need some on my ipizzle. I must find a way.

Well let's see...It is November. Remember remember the 5th of November. I shant forget for it was a glorious day. And I wish I was in the streets of America to celebrate. Actually, had I been feeling the same way as I was in Japan than I probably would have taken a bath at home too. No, I take that back, I have never taken a bath at home. So maybe I would have just read my book. Anyway, it was good. Now I hope Mr. O isn't all talk and we can get things up and moving again. Eventually. Besides the new President news, I am excited for this month for various reasons which I will now list:
1. A lot of short weeks
2. Dan comes at the end of the month

That's all I got for now. But because of those short weeks the month should go fast meaning good old Dum Dum himself will be arriving soon. Can't wait to have a visitor, it's gonna be cramped as shit-er I mean, poo...kids. Sorry. But yeah, that will be interesting.

Since I am sounding worse than worse I am going to end this and the torture I am putting myself through as I cringe through this post. This is why I have stopped writing on here, it is just soudning like goolash. I don't even really like goolash. So there.

Fly you fools!

OBAMA 08

2008-11-05T02:50:00.002-07:00

Its about time.

Sending the Love

2008-10-27T01:56:00.000-06:00

The best toast of all time

2008-10-22T01:20:00.003-06:00

I just ate a piece of bread with jam on it. Every bite I took was better than the last one.

Now, I don't know if it is because of this bread or the jelly or the combo, but it was so delicious I couldn't believe I was lucky enough to be eating it. The bread here is also giant, so it lasted me for quite a while. I love when food lasts longer, it is less sad that way when it's gone.

I just thought I would share that. That may have been the best toast of all time. I shall never forget it. Thanks little toast man for selling me real toast. It is hard to find around these parts.

Ahhh, now I am at peace. I am going to go swim.
Jam out.

October in Japan :)

2008-10-16T02:14:00.000-06:00

Here I am embracing

2008-10-14T07:58:00.003-06:00

I’m eating my nails to keep from doing something.

I am trying not to plan a pathetic lesson that no one is even going to like. Halloween right? Fun right? Probably not for these kids. Damn Japanese students, making me feel worthless.

I am hurting again. It’s just because I am thinking. Sometimes I feel like I do this to myself. Honestly, I wouldn’t be that bad if I just stayed on the surface. But nooo, I have to dig to get at the root of something that has barely begun to grow. And then it just all starts to come out. I wish I could teleport home. Just for a week. Or two. Or maybe until next year. Yeah, I will come back in January, ok Japan? Ok.

It's funny how our emotions always get the best of us. Whether we want them to or not, they will find a way to surface themselves somehow. I am trying to baby them since I know the bad feelings are on their way, just so no one sees any sort of dramatic theatrics. Not that that would happen anyway. At least with me.

So what I have been doing to basically make myself feel shitty is looking at my old blog posts and lots of old writing I have done. Now don’t get me wrong, I think that it is really good to go through your old stuff (not the trash please) and see how you have changed as a person and for me as a writer, but sometimes those nasty little nostalgic feelings become suddenly so overwhelming. I have come to grips with the past staying, well, past, but I still can’t fake the fact that sometimes I just get sad. I’m human, it happens. These past few months have taught me a lot and caused me to finally realize that our experiences all add up to LIFE. I can’t go back to a time where I felt safe because that time is passed and because of that I am not the same. Luckily we grow from experiences. So I guess what I am trying to get at is that no matter how badly you want something that was, it will never be again. So upon realization of this it is good to consider these things:
1. The future
2. But mostly
3. The present

Ok? I’m working on it. I really am. And I am doing a good job. Well, until tonight. Sometimes I just get frustrated when I see other people who shared this past life with me can move on so quickly while I sit here missing. It will always be a mystery. Am I too sensitive when it comes to memories? Can someone be too sensitive with memories?

I am not really doing a good job actually describing how I feel. The words aren’t making their way freely to my fingertips tonight. I don’t know, just some things seem like they were ages ago. Lifetimes ago and I wonder if the people who were there with me feel the same way I do about those times. Is it a bit pathetic to look back and wonder? Should I just keep on going forward? You know, never turn around? I feel like it would make things easier. But I also feel like I would lose a part of myself if I did that. Plus I have a lot of resentment for people who do that. It really urkes me.

I can’t really shake this feeling right now, so I guess I will have to live with it. Better yet, I will embrace it. Just for now.

With that being said, I miss you.
Goodnight.

Sunset in Japan

2008-09-23T01:49:00.001-06:00

This beauty fills me

Living Color

2008-09-15T08:04:00.005-06:00

I have found balance between peaceful thought and exhilarating activity. Although this does not come as a shock to me, somewhere along the way I have forgotten what I can achieve through piece of mind. I often forget the power we hold with our thoughts and the strength of our bodies when those thoughts are put to action. This is just the beginning of what I have come to find as a cluster of confusing abstracts that fail to come to a sound conclusion. I guess I will rest assured knowing that there will always be more to know and more to question. Only by knowing this can we begin to push ourselves to the meaning of what we can stand for. If we want. If we don't want then we can live quietly in the bliss of not knowing. Or is it not caring? Whatever it is, content is something that does not necessairly snuggle next to the inconsistancies of violent conscience thought. Maybe after time when dull monotony takes over, but then it is too late to find what you were never looking for anyway.

And then there is something about writing confusion all over the canvas of whatever space it may inhabit and then confusing yourself all over again when you see it in living color.

Working out to look good or working out to feel good?

2008-09-15T07:47:00.006-06:00

Driving along the street on a nice day you may see several things that are of no surprise to you. You see people walking their dogs, women walking with their kids, people running, biking and even skateboaring or roller blading. It feels good to see people out exercising, and even better when you do it yourself. But I must ask, do you workout to look good or work out to feel good?

Ah yes, a question parallel with the age old question of do you eat to live or do you live to eat? Working out is something that most people in America seem to try and fit into their schedule. Even if it is not an everday occurance, it is usually an everyday thought. What is the number one New Year's resolution? Lose weight. Get those extra holiday pouds outta here! So why then does it become increasingly harder to find the time to do it? And even when it is fit into our jam packed schedules, why does it soon become an obsession? When the routine is interrupted people tend to feel guilty. By starting off nice and easy we can achieve long term results and hopefully not look as scary as the person pictured above.

Seven out of ten people admitted to working out to look good, but most of them did comment on the fact that they did feel good after they did it. So then the issue becomes actually getting out there and doing it. Once that is done, it becomes easier to do it. But the dreadful time comes when a few days of not working out turn into a few weeks which then turn into a few months. When does the want turn into the need? When do people ever say, "I really want to workout"? Much more often the words 'need' replace want and the task soon becomes a chore. Working out for people who are not extreme athlethes does not usually top their list of things they want to do. It might fall into place next to vaccume the house and go to the gorcery store. So how do we break the monotony? How can working out be something that is looked forward to instead of dreaded? How do we get excited to endure pain? Over time I have found some helpful tips. Since I am now a retired athlete and the days of manadatory pratice are long behind me, I have had to be creative in doing things that I originally loathed. Here is what I have discovered:

1. Variety. Mix it up if you can. One day run, one day go to a dance class, one day bike, one day swim, one day try a new machine, one day go on a walk or run outside instead of the gym. Things like this can really up your motivation.

2. Take it easy. Now I don't mean be a loafer when you are working out, that totally defeats the purpose, but don't go into a workout dreading the task you have made for yourself. Go into it with little expectations, but high hopes. Know that when you start working out your body will be able to kick it to the next level. The endorphines should give you a good mental high and then you are able to gage when and how to push yourself. You will always be more pleased with your outcome the harder you push yourself. The next time you go to workout have the light

expecations to try and do the same thing and you will probably surprise yourself by doing more.

3. Take a break. Don't workout everyday for 3 hours, but don't only go once a week for 1 hour. You need to be consistant but know when it is ok to take a day off. Have a goal in mind of trying to go a certian amount of days so you don`t overwhelm yourself or pack your schedule too tight.

4. Know what is good for you. Ideally the best time to work out is in the morning. Not ideally is the fact that we all love our sleep in the morning. Try different things, know when you feel best to go. It is always better to go for a little bit than to not go at all. The body needs about 30 min a day of some sort of workout that will get your heart thumpin. No need to over-do it, but if you do, know that there will be days where you just don't want to. And that is ok too, just don't make it a habit.

5. Working out goes hand in hand with eating well. There are times when you are going to want to splurge and that is just fine, especailly since you are working out. But you will look better and feel better if you try and stay healthy. Having a snack about an hour before working out is going to help your energy level as well as drinking water a little before, a little during and a little more after is going to feel good. The prime time to get food into your body is about 20 to 30 minutes after your workout. Even if it is just a few crackers or a piece of fruit before dinner, this will do your body good. It will be able to keep your metabolism up and help you avoid binging.

6. Do what you like. There is no point in forcing yourself to run or swim if you really hate it. Do what you like to do. It always helps to bring your favorite music with you to get you motivated and pumped up!

7. Enjoy where you are. Especially if you have a ton to do and you are feeling stressed out working out will help those feelings. Most of the time we feel like we dont have the time, but even 30 mins can be spared in our work-a-day worlds. Make the time and enjoy it while you are there. Don`t think about the work you need to do, let it slip your mind and make the time you are working out YOU time. People watch, think about something you like, enjoy the feeling of your body being healthy.

8. Go alone or bring a friend. If you feel like you workout better when someone is there to push you, then have a friend come along. Or maybe you dont think you will get done what you need to, then go by yourself. Try out both, maybe switch it up, remember, variety is the spice of life!

9. Don't be shy. Don't be shy to find out when the classes you would like are. Don`t be shy to get really sweaty because that is what it is all about. Just know that you are working harder than the slackers who aren`t as sweaty!

10. Live longer. Keeping active will surely make you live a longer, healither life. Even if you already look good and you know that you don`t need to workout to maintain your image, just know that you will be thanking yourself later if you make an effort to fit it into your week. Working out never felt so good and when you begin to see the results you will not want to stop.

Although it can be hard to keep this active lifestyle rolling, just know that you will not regret it in the slightest. Now, I'm by no means an expert in this walk of life--far from it in fact, but I do know that whether you work out to look good or work out to feel good, just know that either one will result in the other and lead to better overall health and happiness! And if nothing else works for motivation just buy a really cute pair of pants that you don't fit into now and know that you will want to fit into them eventually (boys you can do it too!).

Why I love the rain

2008-09-10T01:34:00.005-06:00

Why I love the rain

By: Jessica

I love the rain. I love the sound of it hitting the roof, I love the way it feels, I love the way it smells, I love the loud rumble the thunder makes, I love how it gives you an excuse not to do anything, I love how it provides a break from the sun, I love how it gives life, I love how it makes puddles to jump in.

There is my first grade explanation of why I love the rain. Written be me now, when I am 22. Very deep isn't it?

I just felt like writing that while it rains outside. I was refreshed and relieved when I left school today as the thunder rumbled (literally, it really did rumble) and the first few drops of rain started to fall. I was glad because that means I don't have to swim right away as I was planning (its not like anyone is making me, but this is a good excuse) and because it's so damn hot. And I am so f-ing sick of this humidity. I hope this is a good storm and lasts all night. Doubt it, but I can dream. And I will, I'm a big dreamer when it comes to getting out of physical activity.

I feel a little discombobulated (yes, it is a word, I know it's out there somewhere) today because of all the damn little things I need to do. But overall I guess I would say my mood is rather gleeful mixed with a little bit of somberness and 100% soberness. Unfortunately. I hope that changes in the near future. By near I mean the weekend.

So I still have two more dreadful days of this week and 3 more dreadful days of this month and 4 more dreadful months of this year. Just kidding, they aren't dreadful, just different. Life post college brings on post college depression and life post college in Japan brings on culture shock mixed with that depression to make for some unwanted feelings. Too bad I can't abort them. That was a little bit of a harsh metaphor, but it certainly got my point across. I feel as though these feelings will eventually fade away and I will be left with feelings that compare to happiness on some sort of level. Actually, I have been happy a lot, in fact today was the first day I woke up and felt pretty happy, so I think we're making head way here! And we can come the realizations that there IS life after college and there IS life to be lived in another country! A good one at that. I just need to fix a few kinks and I will be well on my way. And then I will write a book about the greatness of life post keggers...if that is even possible.

Of course I writing with a hint of sarcasm, as usual, but there is also a hint of truth. It is your turn to figure out which holds more weight!

For some reason I am starving so I am going to eat while I watch the rain. Out with the old, in with the new. Rain's motto I have decided. I think I will make it mine too :)

Japan blog

2008-09-04T03:38:00.003-06:00

I don't know why I am posting the same things on here as I am my other blog. From now on that one will be mostly for Japan entries and this will be more just me. I don't know how to get a link on this page to the other one, but when I figure it out I will do it!

Here it is for now http://www.exploringjapan-jdawk.blogspot.com/

Check it out!

It hurts to not anymore

2008-09-01T07:23:00.003-06:00

Is it time to wake up yet?

Ouch.

Dear Past, Love Present

2008-08-26T07:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Past,

Hi! How are you? I don’t know why I ask, you’re good. You’ve always been good.

I wanted to write to you since I exchanged my old life for a new one. I’m not sure they were the same price—they exchange rate is different. I miss my old life but the new one is fitting better now that I’ve washed it. My old one was getting a little frayed around the edges and I’m pretty sure there as a hole in the sleeve. You know—where the seam is? I didn’t want that to rip because then the whole thing would have fallen apart. So I’m happy to say there are no holes in the seams of my shirt. Although there aren’t any in the seam there is one at the collar! I think I am going to sew it. It might take me a while since I’ve never sewed before, but I guess there’s always time to learn. It’s also kind of bland in terms of color so I might buy some jewelry to spice it up or just add some color myself. I’ve always thought it was better to do it yourself instead of paying for it to be done. It will make me happier anyway. I know you feel the same way. It fits fine for now, I think I can make it my own again someday, you know?

As for me, well have the leftover taste of Colorado in my mouth and pants the size of post graduation motivation. The repeat button isn’t jammed anymore, I know you were frustrated with that dang thing, but the comfort of familiarity is scary in ways unknown until it is no longer familiar. I toss and turn, but nothing seems to work and eventually I am too exhausted to fight it. I am soon forced to accept this new definition of comfort. Basically, I am just really jealous of your bed…

My shoes squeeze my tired feet and all I want to do is fall into my half empty coffee mug, letting my feet free, feeling my toes for the first time since I put them in these shoes last month. I am slowly digesting my fear but sometimes the urge to throw it all up becomes too much. At times like that I swallow and swallow hard, making sure to pull yesterday back down with everything else. Summer, with all of its melting memories, clings to me even after I tried to scrub it into last year. These feelings are longer than the days and they range in various degrees but the thermometer is broken so I can’t check the temperature. I would weigh them just to tell you but I can’t even lift them. It makes me wonder if they are too heavy or I am too weak. Either way I know I need to go to the gym so the shock of this new me stays a sight for sore eyes. Or is it a sight for more eyes? It’s hard to tell these days.

I’m not sure you would understand, but I wait around with these stale crumbs of what was. But what was? Was it like a swing set when you’re young? Now that you go on it, when you’re older, and your calloused hands have long since hardened, you try to feel the bars how you felt them then but it’s not the same. It’s not fun. Or is it still fun, it’s just the heavier body hanging from the monkey bars that is not as fun?

Remember the sun? Remember how it feels. Of course you do. I’m forgetting now and I’ve long since lost the taste of laughter. I find that was my favorite flavor, but it’s hard to find when I can’t read the language. I know you liked clarity of a much needed breath, but taking it all in literally takes it ALL in and I am left chocking with empty lungs and a brain full of X,Y, Z. Yeah, exactly.

Did I tell you I went shopping? Yeah, I bought this new product when I got here, but it’s the wrong brand. It definitely looks like a smile, yet when I put it on it’s all wrong. I can tell what it is, but it’s just not the same. I know I left you with my old one, it was impossible to bring. I guess I should have stuck to the brand name, but they haven’t started selling those here yet.

So I’ve been working on this new recipe, you know, since I still have the leftover taste of Colorado in my mouth. This new one has a very bittersweet taste so if you don’t mind I’m stealing your secret ingredient and adding some others. I might even try making some from scratch. I used the electric egg beaters this time instead of just a spoon so everything got mixed together faster--as you can probably imagine. I think that’s part of the reason it tastes different. Either way I hope I can get rid of that bitter aftertaste.

I’m staying in this room with these huge windows but I can only see through the cracks because the blinds are always drawn. I guess there are made from the same company as at home; language, but they are completely different. You probably didn’t even notice the company. The light of English shines in and I get a peak every now and then, but I need to work harder to open them. They sure are tricky though. Until then, I guess I’ll settle for my little sliver of light. It’s really comfortable and warm, there’s just not a lot of it.

Well I know you aren’t ever really worried or scared, but I am. I think they might before more of a part of you than they are of my anymore. I tried sending them to you, but the packages are too big so they keep coming back. Oh, thanks for sending courage by the way. I received it a few days after I got here and it’s come in really handy.

I know it’s hard for you to picture, you’ve never done anything like this before. You will soon, don’t worry. As usual, I have some advice for you:

Don’t panic, you will be fine
Pack extra pens. You never know when you are going to want to write to me.
Enjoy the water, who knows when you will see it next

Well actually, I guess we both know who knows, that jerk future. I tried writing to see what would happen but I didn’t get a response, again. Although I never get a letter back I have faith that future will be kind to me. I guess I just have to hold tight.

Well Past, you’ve done a really great job. You should be proud. Thanks for everything, you were wonderful.

I miss you.

Love,
Present

Add Up All the Miles In Between

2008-08-26T06:43:00.001-06:00

I am armed with a flashlight and a big bottle of bug spray. My hands are shaking as I write this and although it is well past my bedtime I cannot sleep. Can you figure out what I just did? You probably guessed it. I just killed a spider. And it was not just a little guy. Oh no. It wasn’t like one of the ones you see on the wall and somewhat cringe at and maybe later, if they aren’t bothering you, you give it a name. No, not one like that. Not one that you could even STEP on and kill. This spider was like the tarantula’s cousin. It was FREAKING HUGE. Let’s set the scene here:

Jessica has just taken a refreshing shower and has brushed her teeth. She is tired and clean and ready to go to bed on her new futon. She flosses her teeth (a nightly ritual mind you) and carries the floss into the kitchen to throw it away. As she does this she is singing the Beatles song, “All You Need is Love” when she stops mid-word and gasps. Sitting by the kitchen door about 4 feet away from her is a hockey puck sized spider. It is brown and hairy and huge. Jessica’s heart skips a beat as she quickly slides the kitchen door shut. Aloud, Jessica gasp/groans again and then questions “What should I do?” She thinks she might shut the kitchen doors and leave it in there. Immediately after that dumb thought she reconsiders. What if it gets out? And what happens when it’s not there in the morning? Where will it have gone? The solution is obvious. She has to kill it. Luckily the guy who lived in the apartment before Jessica left her with a can of bug spray that she had just used earlier on a spider nest forming under her doorbell. She grabs the can and slowly opens the kitchen door… Slowly aiming at the spider she sprays hoping that it will squirm right there and die. Not so. It takes off running and hits the kitchen door and then, somehow squeezes through a crack in the sliding door and heads right for the NEW FUTON. Now Jessica does not remember the next serious of events for she has already blocked them out of her memory. She doesn’t think she screamed, she just made a small squeaky noise and she continued spraying the giant beast. Now she sees the poison beginning to take its effects, yet the spider has not given up. It scurries around trying to run under the couch, yet does not make it. Jessica knows she’s got it, and is glad that it is dying right NEXT to where she will be sleeping instead of ON it. Jessica continued to spray the mighty beast on and off for a good ten minutes. Until finally it showed no signs of life.

I have to admit, it put up a darn good fight. It was moving a little like ten minutes later. Now, even as I write this I keep looking over at the body, shining my flashlight on it, making sure it’s not going to suddenly come alive, because you know spiders do that. They trick you to think that they are dead and they curl up in a little ball, and then, when you think you’ve killed them, they spring to life and run away. Too many spiders have gotten away from me that way, so I resorted to using my snow boots in Colorado. Here in Japan that is not possible because first of all I don’t have snow boots since it doesn’t even snow and secondly, even if I wanted to use my boot on the beast it wouldn’t have been a pretty sight at all. I definitely would have had to throw my good boot away. Ehhhhhhhhhh. That was so gross. Just as bad as the splattering cockroach situation if not worse. I guess when you stay up past your bedtime the bugs come out. I just don’t like to think what they are doing while I sleep. I’m sleeping with the spray by my bed, that was disgusting.

Anyway! This is how I was originally going to start my writings this lovely evening:
The thin layer of clouds clung to the deep green mountain top…And then I had a spider incident. So now I have lost my train of thought. It was going to be beautiful. I was going to really get a peaceful mood going for all the lovely readers out there, and create a sense of tranquility as they read about the beautiful mountain mist. Now it’s just disgust as they read about the giant jungle beast spiders. Sorry reader. I am kind of at a loss as to what to do with the body…?
Ok I need to forget about it and go to bed. It’s cool, it’s not like the biggest spider I’ve even seen is lying dead at the foot of my futon. No, not at all.

Let me just get my mind off of it and write a little bit about my endeavors this lovely August weekend. So Friday started out with a rainy ride to school and many hours later, a rainy ride home. I have not yet mastered the skill of riding my wicked witch of the west bike with an umbrella yet, so there were some struggles to be had on the road. When I did get home a nice Japanese lady was waiting for me. Don’t worry I knew her. Sort of.

Funny story, I met her when the internet guy came to my house because he didn’t speak English and she did. We started talking and she told me that she too was an ALT (that’s why I am) and that she knew the other ALT that I knew. Small world. So she invited me to help out with teaching some kids English with the other ALT we both knew and to have dinner afterwards. So of course, being the humble and kind soul that I am I said graciously accepted her request. It might have had something to do with the fact that I have no friends and I had nothing else to do. But probably not.

So she picked me up on Friday and I went to her house where I did indeed play with some young Japanese children as well as help and listen to them read. After that I at ten million cookies and read out twister positions. I almost wish I was teaching kids that young because even though there is a language barrier, the kids don’t care. This one girl was so sweet, and as most kids are here, infatuated with a foreigner. I think it’s mostly my hair. So yeah, it was cute. After they left Jo (the other ALT) and I stayed for a delicious dinner at Aly sensei’s house. Her friends came and it was a grand time. Although I do not speak Japanese, I was able to have translated versions of stories and they are always willing to help me out. So that was good, I continue to grow through experiences like that. As well as spider killing experiences. Doh! I was supposed to forget about it!

The next day was a somewhat rainy one, as the past two had been, but it was a good excuse for me to relax at home for a bit. I did go on a walk and take some pictures, most of which didn’t do the scenery justice. I just can’t get enough of the green all around me. And the clouds on the mountain are just picturesque. After a time my friend Jo came and picked me up and we ventured down the road to her friend’s house where we tried on yukatas and learned how to tie the bows. It’s quite the time consuming ordeal, but once it is all finished it looks nice and feels terrible. I think that it is a good idea to wear them to festivals (which they do) because then they won’t eat a ten course meal like I did. They are true thinkers—just wear a corset and then even if you want, you can’t eat. Brilliant. I learned that they believe that women’s necks are elegant if they are shown but you need to make it tight on your chest so you are not mistaken for a prostitute.

So from there we headed to the Uto festival—my first real festival. It was magnificent! Seriously, I don’t know why these aren’t a weekly ritual for me. Aside from the fact that I would be 300 pounds if I did participate in these grand festivals weekly I would make it a weekly habit. I mean who doesn’t like walking from stand to stand to stand to stand trying every kind of food there is? I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t like that. And if you wouldn’t then you need to get your priorities straight because it’s wondrous.

Here is what I ate:

Hashi Maki (noodles, sweet sauce in a crepe like thing on chopsticks. Sounds weird, tastes bomb)
Mochi (Soft, squishy, balls filled with sweet beans. Again, doesn’t sound that great but they are delicious)
Taiyaki (Pastry like pancake thing shaped as a fish, filled with your choice of custard)
Yakai Tori (Grilled chicken skin)
Hiyahsi Pineapple (cold pineapple chunks)
Kakigori (Shaved ice with condensed milk on top)
Sasebo Burger (I just had a few bites, but it was a burger with bacon, ham, mayo, lettuce and tomato)
Tapioka (Juice with boba balls)
And then bites of French fries and karoage (fried chicken) and other various things.

Everything I had was SO good. Some may not care what I ate, but it was all so good I thought I would devote my precious time to telling my readers about the deliciousness.

So we pretty much ate the whole time. It’s funny how I am so content when I am eating, but the minute I have to start walking looking at things I begin to get restless. Unless of course we are looking at for food. So sad. We saw a lot of sculptures that people built out of recyclables which were really good. Mainly I just people watch. There is something very culturally inspiring about a little girl playing basketball in her yukata in the same way that it is saddening to see a teenage girl smoking in one.

After that we walked around a temple with paintings on scrolls of heaven and some very disturbing ones of hell. Although I had been talking to some friends I never did end up meeting them. I had intentions of coming back the next night but I went shopping with Jo for some much needed items.

After that good old weekend in ol Japan (minus the spider incident of ’08), where the bugs are the size of birds and the people are the size of your dog (well, not really but you get the point), I started another week at school. What does that make me actually, the town giant? Yeah, I guess it does. No argument there.

So Monday was good because I got to go to Oqawa Technical School, the other school I will be teaching at, and meet all of the teachers and check it out. The teacher who picked me up was, of course, very helpful and kind. I was able to see where I will take the train and how far I have to walk when I get there. It’s all relatively close, just not right in town which means I have to wake up earlier than usual. Ugh. Oh well. The school is a technical school so they have a lot of big workshops for specialized engineering, which was cool to see. I think the kids have a low level of English which was mostly expected from me. It might just be a little bit more difficult. Oh yeah, and did I mention that it is an all boys school? That should be fun, especially when I have no idea what anyone is saying.

After that I played badminton for about an hour and had a great time. Who would have thought? I didn’t even think I liked badminton, but it turns out I do! It’s almost as good as tennis. Almost. After our game I went home and showered before Nakayama sensei came to pick me up so we could head to the city for dinner. We met some of the other teachers and ate at a little French-ish bistro. It was a classy little place and although they played “Angel of Mine” by what’s his face 5 times, I really enjoyed it. They brought out a bunch of different courses and at the end, a delicious cake for Hondo sensei since it was her birthday. I was wondering how it was going to go since none of them speak very good English (well, one did) and I speak no Japanese, but it was really good. I learned a lot about their culture and the language and by the end of the night we were laughing and joking around. That’s what it’s all about right?

Plans for the future:
Dinner with ALTs in Matsubase
Ashkita Beach Party!
Swimming?

Practice my speech I have to give to the whole school in Japanese (EEEKK!)
That’s about it actually. Maybe I will try using my rice cooker-- that will surely be interesting. Until I write again I will be on the lookout for anymore prehistoric bugs (or they will be on the lookout for me as it seems) and continue to live life as I know it in Japan.

Treading water

2008-08-21T03:44:00.000-06:00

Kumamoto update!

I don’t know if I could actually make it the whole year without cheese. Which is why I joined the AAJET (alumni association) so that I could go on the trip with them to Costco next month. Yes, there is a big trip to Costco since there is only one and it’s about two hours away. It should be a great time and I can not wait to get a hotdog. Oh man I love their hotdogs, so good and so cheap.
Ok, I didn’t come on to write about Costco even though I know I could go on about it forever. I came on to write about my whirlwind week in good ol’ Kumamoto Japan. Let’s journey to a simpler time where prices were cheap and politicians were noble. I don’t think there was a time. In other words let’s go back to last Wednesday. I had great day on Wednesday, it might even be considered another red letter day. I was riding my bike around town and I decided to take shelter in a 100 yen shop because the sky was about to open up. So I parked my bike and walked in. Right away I was excited about all of the things that were being sold for a mere dollar. What was even better was that the store was connected to a grocery store and a department store. I decided when I find someone with a car I am going to go and get my futon there. I was also very excited when I saw there was a TV on and the Olympics were on! As if things couldn’t get any better none other than the great sport of swimming was on at that exact time. So I stayed and finally got to watch some swimming for a while. Needless to say I’ve been back multiple times since and made some great purchases as well as some more views on that lovely TV with cable.

Now we shall skip to Friday. Well it was my last day of school since it was indeed a Friday. I was extremely glad to get out of there for the week, I had my fair share of doing nothing in an office with no one in it. I came home and took a wee nap before going on a wee run. Although I normally do not like running outside since it is harder than running inside and I’m all about the easiest ways to exercise. But I had no other choice, so I went for a jog. It’s been a while so it was painful, but at least my lungs weren’t burning. I guess there’s always pluses to living in the humid weather at low altitude. That might be the only one now that I think about it. After my jog and shower I met the other ALTs in my area as well as some visiting ones for dinner and drinks. We enjoyed some beru (beer) at a small bar called the Anaconda. I think we will frequent the place when we are in town.

This weekend was the opposite of the last one in terms of being busy. I barely got a minute to breathe. Saturday I met my friend Cassandra at the Kumamoto train station where we took another train to my homestay’s station, which, ironically was the same town Cassandra lived in. She happened to find that out AFTER riding the train to me. It was quite funny once we found out. Our grand plans were to go to the Yamaga Lantern Festival where 1,000 ladies dance with paper lanterns on their head, but our grand plan was ruined due to unnatural amounts of rain. We stayed at Hiroko’s relative’s house and had a huge feast consisting of delicious Japanese foods. It rained for quite a while so we just talked and ate until it died down a little. We then went into Yamaga and walked around town. Apparently they held the dance inside but we didn’t get there in time, so we just took a few pictures and then went bowling. It was fun to do something familiar and I am proud to announce that I scored an all time low my first game. I will not say it because it was just that embarrassing.

After bowling Hiroko and her sister wanted to take Cassandra and I to the hot spas. Dun dun dun. It happened to be a little nerve racking when we found out because they have decided that a swim suit is not necessary in the onsen. It was a rather rushed decision which is what things go like around here. We are usually confused on what we are doing with our Japanese friends, where they say “You go to hot spring?” “No, I haven’t been” “Ok, we go” “Ok I would like to go sometime” “We go now” “Now?” “Yes, now” “Oh, now?! Ok!” That’s the dialogue that goes on with things like that. So we were nervous but we knew it was something that we wanted to do, so we were excited as well.

Hiroko’s sister and her kids went in the family spa and Hiroko, Cassandra and I went in the women’s spa. Thankfully we had a small towel where have to choose what you want to cover up (it’s like a little bigger than a hand towel) so that was interesting. When you walk into the place they have you sit on a bucket and shower before you go into the actual spa. When you get in there are several pools; one where you can walk around in a circle that is a little cooler, one that is warm that you just lay in like you are laying in a lawn chair, and a few hot tub like ones. Then there are some outside that range in temperature from luke warm to really hot. It was really cool looking outside with giant rocks and small waterfalls trickling into the pools. After the initial awkward feeling, I didn’t feel weird at all and soon it wasn’t a big deal to be walking around with no swim suit. It was very soothing and felt good to relax our tired bodies. After that we got ice cream and headed back to Hiroko’s where we feel into a deep, relaxing sleep.

The next morning we had a big breakfast before Hiroko took us to Cassandra’s apartment. We hung out there which was nice because I had yet to see another JET’s apartment. Her place is in more of a city and it’s on the tenth floor and a lot older looking than mine. Although it is bigger she has a lot more she needs to clean. I liked it, but it made me content with my little apartment. From there Cassandra’s neighbor, Kate came over and then Cassandra’s homestay peops, Ako and her husband, came and picked us up so we could shop the day away. We went to the giant mall in the next town over and had a delicious lunch of _____, basically noodles with meat and sauce fried on the giant stove thing that is installed within the table. It was different from anything I had ever tasted before, sort of sweet noodle like meal. It was a little tricky in terms of how to eat it because it all sticks together, but I have almost gotten the chopsticks down, so I figured it out. I was complimented on my chopstick stills, but I just know that if it’s food and I have to figure out how to get it into my mouth, you better be sure that I will find a way to do it and do it fast.

After that we walked around for a long time…I am not a big shopper so after I bought some books at the bookstore I started finding some benches outside of the stores and just started reading. I just finished Tuesdays with Morrie by the way, and if you haven’t read it, I suggest you do. It was a very touching story. Anyway, after the mall Ako dropped me off at my place (everyone came in and saw it and liked it) and from there I went to the train station to get my bike. I was near Shannon’s house (the other ALT in my town) so I rode over there and hung out with her and some of her friends that were still in town. I then rode my bike back home so I could pack and get ready for orientation in the city.

Monday morning Dina (Shannon’s friend) and I caught the train into the city early since we had to be there for our “official” ceremony for senior high teachers. It was just a lot of bowing and paperwork. We then had lunch and joined the rest of the JETs for orientation a little bit farther down in the city. We listened to a bunch of current JETs who have been there for multiple years. They just talked about safety, school stuff, time off, pay and just life in general. After all of that there was an optional tour of the castle, but since I had already gone and I had a giant backpack full of stuff I skipped it and went back to my friend, Cherese’s, to drop off stuff and change out of our nice clothes. We then met everyone else for dinner and drinks at the Beer Garden on the 7th floor of a department building. To my surprise it was outside, and although the weather looked iffy, it stayed dry and we had a delicious dinner with good drinks and conversation. From there most of us went on a pub crawl around town that the former JETs led. We just went to three different bars and since there were so many of us we managed to crowd the tiny bars and run up tabs like crazy. I don’t even want to know how much money I’ve spent in the past week. Cassandra and I started the night off right by trying to imitate a guy from Scotland and another guy from England. They got a good kick out of it and we spent the rest of the night talking in accents, already one of my favorite pastimes. I received an A in speaking in a Scottish accent while Cassandra’s grade was questionable since she ended up sounding like a pirate. Unfortunately I chocked when I tried to do my English accent, so I will have to keep practicing. Their American accents were even more pitiful. We got to know a lot of the other JETs and it was an all around fun night. We walked back to Cherese’s to get a few hours of sleep before the next long day of orientation.

Day two was just workshops, some of which were more helpful than others. For lunch we walked down the street and ate at a place in the indoor/outdoor mall. I got a spaghetti plate since it was Italian which was not good for my stomach. After the second half of workshops I went and hung out with this girl, Jennifer, at her hotel and then we took a quick nap and watched some TV. We then met some people from our immediate area and had dinner at a really nice Chinese restaurant. They brought out different plates at different times so we were there for quite a while. They also had a beer bazooka. They just bring out these giant, long cylinders of beer that get tapped and you just fill up your beer at the end of the table. Although I didn’t indulge in the beverages that night, it was cool to see. The restaurant itself was beautiful and extremely classy. Dinner was tasty and I had a good time with the people from my area, they are all really nice and fun to be around. After dinner we went to ice cream and most of the people headed back home. Jennifer and I walked around and chatted until I decided to try and get back to Cherese’s place. I had a lot of trouble getting a cab since the cab drivers didn’t know exactly where the apartment was. I then waited for a tram but they stopped running, so eventually I managed to take a cab to a tram stop down the street from Cherese’s and she just came and met me. We stayed up talking for a while before going to sleep. She has a really nice place and although she had a lot of trouble with getting furniture (her predecessor left her none) she made it very homey and cute.

The last day of orientation were filled with confusing Japanese lessons (we took a test the first day, none of which I filled out) with a sort lunch break where we devoured some scrumptious Indian food. After the classes were over we caught the tram and then the train back to Matsubase. I rode my bike home and finally had some alone time. I have started to get used to alone time more since I’ve been here, and although I would almost always rather be with people, I have enjoyed being able to have time to read and write and do a little cleaning. Needless to say I was exhausted and after doing some reading and writing I went to bed so that I could get up and get ready for school on Thursday.

Comfort of silence

2008-08-21T03:43:00.000-06:00

I can finally sit in the comfort of silence. The hum of the air conditioner and the fan are the only noise I need tonight and I feel safe within myself.

The unfamiliarity’s of a new environment raise a heightened level of sensitivity within me, one that I not aware I even possessed. I feel vulnerable, I feel weak, but most of all I feel afraid of what is obvious; loneliness. I cannot speak in this unknown place, for fear my voice will be carried away into nothingness. If the sound of my voice falls upon deaf ears, then who is really listening?

Admitting to this fear is not something I thought I could do, but so many things that once lay within me, untouched, have recently been surfaced. These feelings are kept deep within all of us, settled at the bottom of a vast pool of emotions, buried under the emotions that are more often used. They lay deep within us and they are reluctant to come out, for when they do we are not who we thought we were, we are not as strong as we thought we were and we are not comfortable with this new, frightened creature.

I have a choice; I can cower from these newly discovered feelings or I can embrace them. I choose to embrace them, and understand their meaning. How could I live with myself if I did not? How could I live in a temple of fear? I often wonder if this is the test of my physical and mental being. If there is another way to test this ugly emotion then say it now, although I do not believe there is. There is some part of ourselves that hides away from the world no matter how much world is surrounding us.

Sinking slowly within me are new ideals of what it means to be me. What it means to be strong within myself, what it means to push the preconceived notions of who I am even further. Gaining this understanding can only help me grow as a person and live as something more. These feelings are not familiar and although they were not welcomed, they are now becoming understandable as I continue to mold myself and the world around me.

Although I can finally sit in the comfort of silence, I know the noise of my dreams means the beginning of these feelings is not yet over. Nightmares slip in and out of these once pure imaginings, creating another level of fear that fades away with the daylight. The ugliness of these images churn within my mind until the meaning is chewed up and spit out into the confused mess of nothing that means a little bit of something to me. At least a little bit of something that will help shape the meaning of what is constantly being processed in my head.

Exhaustion plagues my tired mind, taking in this new place calls for more mental energy than I am used to and my body begs for something it cannot have. Crippling my thoughts and gripping my view of the world, this place has given me something else to see and for that I can be constantly grateful of who I am and who I will become.

I am heavy within myself, a place that is not easy for me to be. I feel the urge to crawl out of this deep cavern that I live in and explore without it. To discover a world without this body is something that could not be possible, and even still if it were so, it would not be the same. Experiences shape us into who we are and our bodies will someday show for it. Whether that be good or bad, I take what I can from it and continue with my intertwined ideals. With this life and what may follow, I will preserver and know that all of these new feelings are a part of the experience and make for the ride we call life.

Week 2 in Kumamoto, Japan

2008-08-21T03:34:00.002-06:00

Tabemasho! (Let’s eat!)
8/7/08
I just had one of the best cookie things I have ever tasted. It was ever so delicate and delicious (oishii), filled with some sort of light colored cream that just added more of a savory flavor to the soft and sweet pastry.Before that I ate something that looked like it was found in a swamp. Usually with things like that I just put them in my mouth and hope for the best. It was pretty much tasteless, yet the slimy texture made me swallow it almost immediately before I was hit with anymore surprises. And so it goes in Kumamoto, Japan. The constant game of what is this strange chunk of food I am about to eat? So far I haven’t gotten any problems from anything I’ve eaten, which is quite the contrary with the food back home. I get a stomach ache with almost everything I eat home—that’s no secret. So even though I have no idea what I’m eating, I’m pretty sure it’s better for my overall health. I feel confident saying that these strange, slimy chunks may just be the reason they don’t have obesity problems here—it’s calorie free and makes it so you don’t want to eat anytime soon! The ultimate cure! I think I will bring this idea back home with me and prepare for ultimate failure because it doesn’t look so good sitting next to a picture of a Whopper or a Big Mac.

Well here I am on week two of my adventure and so far it has been quite the emotional roller coaster. I have had trouble with just about every little thing, most of which are just major annoyances. I can’t get internet for two more weeks, the cell phone is still non-existent, my bike is on lock down and will not move and my apartment smells like wet dog. It’s a very lovely time here obviously. Despite all of these little things, I am feeling majorly better from just three short days ago when I moved into my apartment. The initial loneliness was overwhelming and extremely difficult, but I decided that instead of sitting and sulking I would go take a walk. So I walked around the town for a while, and it has become a nightly routine ever since. I’m sure that will change once I get to know the place a little better, and find other things to do, but so far everything is still new and picture-worthy. I have a bunch of pictures of trees which I’m sure I will find extremely boring when I go to look at them later, but at the time I thought it could be a beautiful nature shot.Things are going at a snail’s pace here, starting off with something new can be like that, especially when you are initially wishing the days away. I know that the tables will turn and I will soon be wanting time to slow down, and ironically that is when it just gets faster.

I am not really doing much at school, I think they know that I have nothing to do so they don’t seem to mind it when I am constantly checking my e-mail and trying to study some Japanese. I would go walk around and talk to people, but I don’t know how to, so I just try to smile and say simple greetings. It’s a start, right?Last night was good, I finally got to meet some people living near me! We went to dinner and just being able to talk to other English speakers was extremely refreshing. We are going to a fireworks show in the city on Friday where I will see a lot of my friends from orientation, which should be greatThis week has also started to look up because I have put my Skype to use! I got to talk to my family and Kristin and Lauren which has been a life-saver for me. I have had to talk to them at school, which was a little awkward at first (since I couldn’t really talk back), but it’s better than nothing. And getting e-mails from my other friends always makes my day. Right now, being homesick is something I have accepted for a short time. I know that it will pass eventually (not completely though) and I just have to take it one day at a time. I am only here for one year so I need to take everything in and appreciate the fact that I got accepted to this program and I have the opportunity to make some awesome memories.

Another thing that I am reluctant to accept is the fact that the sleeping situation here is just not going to be as good as at home. Although I am beginning to get used to the thin mat on the floor, I still wake up with a sore shoulder or a numb hand…And preceding my awakening I am dreaming I am at home and driving around with my mom. So I wake up thinking I am home in a car only to realize that I am sore on the ground—doesn’t exactly make for an extremely pleasant morning. Once I am over the initial confusion though, things seem to go well (minding that I don’t get lost on the way to school) and I’m finding each day to be easier. I am almost happy to call the small room I live in home! As soon as I find some more decorations as well as some pictures from home I will be feeling loads better. Like how I used that British term, loads? I really like it, I think I will use that and “I popped by yesterday”, I fancy that one as well.

List time!

Here is a short list of things I have done for the first time:
1. Eat real Thai food (and man was it good)
2. Eat real Indian food (bomb as well)
3. Eat real Japanese food (interesting, yet mostly tasty)
4. Make some Japanese friends
5. Live in a Japanese home
6. Entertain myself without internet, TV, a phone or other human beings for long periods of time
7. Try to speak another language to people who speak no English (the convo didn’t get too far)
8. Kill a cockroach—it was quite the unsettling experience right before bed.

What I have done before is get lost and confused. I was surviving on using my pointer finger and the old, “Sumimasen, um, uh, Matsubase koko?” And then I frantically pointing around in all directions, indicating that I have no idea where I am. They should know that I am trying to say “Hi, I am looking for Matsubase Senior High School. It is rather embarrassing that I can’t find it considering this is the third day I am going there and I am lost again. Oh, I don’t know if I mentioned that I work there so it is quite the pathetic situation. Could you tell me how to get there using mainly gestures and please try to refrain from talking too much since you speaking Japanese tends to overwhelm and confuse me? Thanks!”Eventually I got to school. Since then I have thankfully figured things out, but I have no doubts that I will have to use the survival mode of pointing frantically and trying to speak anything that might possibly make sense again.

Doshiyo? (What shall I do?)
8/11/08
Today has been rather uneventful as the rest of my weekend was, minus Friday. We went out in the city on Friday to see the festival and fireworks show. It was one of the coolest fireworks shows I’ve ever seen since they had fireworks forming shapes and hearts at the end! From there we headed to the bars with the whole JET crew from our area. The first bar we went to was almost like we were VIP because we were the only ones in it. It was darkly lit with leather chairs and nice black tables. It was just a small room so we filled it up fast. Usually (or as far as I’ve seen) there is just a set price for the night and you pay about $25 for all you can drink. After that bar we went to one a little bit down the way where it was more like a normal bar back home—crowded and loud. It was fun and I got to meet the bar tenders because one of the JETs was friends with them. I also exchanged e-mails with some people since that’s what you do here instead of phone numbers. It’s very confusing I’m still trying to get the hang of it. It was a good time and it’s kinda hard with the bars being open so late to catch the 11:50 train so we decided to just take a cab home. Saturday I went with my supervisor to get a cell phone which took half the day. Sometimes I feel like they are talking just to talk but when it is translated for me it’s like 2 words. I really don’t think they need to be saying as much as they do.

The rest of the day I just hung out and finally got to talk on the phone while I watched a fireworks show from my window. I don’t go outside at night alone for fear of being attacked by giant bugs. I should probably face my fears one of these days.Sunday I went for a bike ride (it’s no longer on lock down-- my supervisor took me to get it fixed!) around town to get some much needed food. First of all let me just say that it must be quite the comical sight to see me riding this bike. I feel like the Wicked Witch of the West when I get on this thing (sometimes I even sing her theme song from the movie in my head while I ride). It looks just like her bike and kids give me frightened looks, so I might as well be her. It has a broken basket in the front and I am obviously too big for it. It has the loudest breaks and I am lucky if it makes it to next month. I’m just glad that it’s red and it gets me from point A to B. So I shouldn’t complain. I can just see my roommates laughing at me if they saw me riding it. Thanks a lot guys!

Anyway I was getting food at the convenience store and there was a kid just singing and dancing around—you know, doing what kids do. And suddenly he saw me and stared at me for more than 20 seconds. He then ran away yelling something in Japanese. It’s times like that where I wish I spoke Japanese more than I usually wish I did. He looked in awe at first and then very frightened. That’s how most of the kids look, a little surprised or scared to see a gaijin. I should have made a face at him--that would have scared him away faster. That encounter definitely made me laugh.The rest of the day I got to read, write and listen to music which was good, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write like that. Ok seriously, what am I supposed to be doing? Everyone just left the office and now I am here by myself. They don’t really tell you much around these parts. I think they are all at some meeting or something. Something I wouldn’t understand anyway.

Hotto doggu wa tabemasu ka? (Will you eat a hot dog?)
8/12/08
For lunch a lot of the teachers have bentos which are just boxed lunches filled with rice, pickled vegetables (tsukemono) of some sort, and either meat or noodles. I have gotten them for the past few days, and they aren’t half bad. The convenience stores even warm them up in the microwave for you! So it’s easy and affordable. Now, some may wonder why I suddenly started talking about this and it is because I want to educate my reader on the cultural differences from the U.S. and Japan. As well as probably go get one sometime soon. I have quite the adventure when I go to the convenience stores here because there are just so many interesting things to look at. And don’t even get me started on the grocery store! It is crawling with crazy things—literally. It reeks of fish in most sections and there is even a clothing store within the one near my house. Two in one, how could you go wrong? But I have found a minor setback. Well a few, first of all I can’t read any of the labels, so I’m a little afraid I accidently bought cow’s milk which is apparently not the same as normal milk. I will find out soon enough. I am a little worried to buy anything that looks like it could have been alive about ten minutes ago, so I usually stay in the boxed food section. Secondly, you have to bag your own groceries. It’s harder then they make it look at home folks, there’s a special method to it. Luckily I have done the self check out at the local store at home, so I have faith that I will be a pro at it soon enough.

The other thing I am struggling with is the use of hashi or chopsticks. My homestay lady’s mom tired to teach me, and I have been complimented on getting better, but there were times during my homestay where Hiroko would just hand me a fork (foku)and laugh. I usually tired a bit longer before sighing and admitting defeat.

One other thing that I thought would bother me more is the smoking in public places. I saw a lady smoking in the restaurant I was in the other day and I was shocked. Then I realized that they can do that here. I thought it was going to be disgusting in bars and restaurants but so far it hasn’t been that bad, I hope it stays like that.

So last night I went on a beautiful walk. Along with giant spiders and dragonflies, I saw a great view of the green landscape and a crystal clear view of the surrounding mountains. I think it calms me to see mountains because I feel more at home. The rest of the night I tackled the daunting task of laundry. I finally figured out the washing machine, but the real challenge lay in where to hang my clothes. They don’t have dryers here, so I had to be creative with my hanging techniques. My apartment looked like I was decorating for some sort of clothes party, but in the end I figured it out and officially cleaned my first load of clothes!My next challenge is going to be where to throw away all of my old sheets and how to buy new sheets and a new futon mat. I need to buy them, but seeing that I don’t have a car there is no way I could carry all of that from the grocery store to my house. I guess I could ask my supervisor to take me, but I feel like that could be a little awkward. Although he is very professional, I think getting my cell phone and bike figured out was already pretty personal. I don’t know why I feel like that, maybe because he’s my boss basically, but I still feel awkward about it. Maybe I can ask the other ALT near to take me, although I feel bad about that because I know it isn’t his job to drive me around town. I feel so helpless most of the time and I think even if I spoke a little bit of Japanese I will be able to feel better. I hope it will all come in time, I’ll figure it out somehow!

The weather here has been hot and muggy, I miss the crisp feel of the Colorado air--breathing in deep here is like swallowing something other than air that doesn’t completely satisfy your lungs. These past two days have been partly cloudy and a little rainy, which I am extremely thankful for. It cools things down a bit and although it brings out the bugs tenfold, I am almost glad to see the sun go away. That means I’m not missing it when I’m inside. I’ve almost gotten used to the sticky feeling humidity leaves on your skin, and I’m sure by the time I’m back in Colorado, my skin will be screaming for moisture.

Newsflash! I didn’t have to eat a bento at school today! It was a big day because some of my co-workers asked me to come to lunch with them. The restaurant we went to had a Rasta theme and the Jamaican tunes filled the air while colorful fabric hung from the ceiling and a colorful painting of Bob Marley smiled back at you as you entered (like how I’m setting the scene?). I ate a somewhat spicy southern dish that looked like something that was made in New Orleans and managed to eat it all with chopsticks. What I didn’t manage was keeping the red soup from getting on my white shirt. That is the tricky part about those slippery noodles. I guess getting the red out of the white is going to be just another challenge I will face. Oh well, I’m up for it! The conversation was short since their English was limited and my Japanese is obviously non-existent, but we managed to understand what we were trying to tell each other and I even got invited to play badminton and go to a birthday dinner celebration in a few weeks. I never thought I would say I’m really excited to play badminton but I sure am now! Sounds like a silly poem, or a would you rather question. Would you rather play badminton in Japan or shuffle board in Russia?

Tonight the other JETs in my neighborhood and I are going to eat Indian food around 6:30, so this is an all around red letter day for me. For those of you who don’t know what a red letter day is and insist that I made it up, you can ask someone else and they will tell you they’ve heard of it before. I swear I didn’t make it up, but I don’t know if I ever knew the true meaning, so I might have made that up… That didn’t make any sense, but basically a red letter day is one that is great and a lot of good things happen in one day, therefore making it red letter-like. I don’t know what it has to do with a red letter and I know what you’re thinking, Lauren. You think that I just made it up. Well fine then, I guess I did! In the absence of information we create our own. I think some old guy told me that once.

You know what I forgot to mention that was disturbing for me on many levels? The beans that I ate! They are called nato (I don’t know if that’s how it’s spelled) and they are repulsive. I don’t know how people like them. They look like normal brown beans but they have this sticky, slimy, smelly, clear pasty goop-like substance that is stringy and sticks to everything on top of them, or mixed in with them. It looks like sticky bug guts or something they would use in an alien movie to show the alien’s drool. They smell bad and have little or no taste, but the sight alone could drive anyone’s appetite away. I am not usually one who losses their appetite very quickly—in fact I can’t recall a time when I truly have. But after trying these beans, I could not finish the rest of my meal. Disgusting.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and they are coming in December and she told to me to start looking up trips because she would like to take me on a trip when she is there. She mentioned Thailand which would be great—especially since that one is a little more expensive and I was already turning down a trip with friends to Thailand around that time since my family was going to be there. Until then I need to travel around my prefecture and make plans for going to South Korea. My Gun leader (pronounced ‘goon’) is planning on doing some beach trips (it’s about an hour from here) as well as perhaps some hiking and other fun things in this area. I hope to see Mt. Aso in the near future and go to some of the famous hot springs in the Kumamoto prefecture. I would also like to visit Nagasaki sometime soon since we are so close to it. I better get planning!

O-kane to, meisei to, dochira ga daiji desu ka (Which one is more important, money or reputation?)
8/13/08
I am once again one of three people left in this office since everyone has taken holiday. I rode my bike to school twice today, dodging the smashed crabs that littered the pavement while I passed old ladies hiding in the shade with umbrellas. The first time I came they were testing the electricity so the power was out. I figured that it would be pointless for me to sit in the hot room by myself so I rode my bike back home. I went home and made some eggs and toast as well as some phone calls and came back to school to begin my monotonous day of writing e-mails and reading about teaching methods. I did get really excited yesterday because I discovered a brilliant idea—pen pals! I’m going to do them with my mom’s class and my cooperating teacher, Jen’s, class I believe. My mom said her kids study Asia and they would love to do pen pals, which I think would be so cute. I also think it would be cool for them to do pen pals to kids their own age living in the U.S. So I am going to try and do both. We’ll see how that goes.

Last night (as I said earlier) I went to eat Indian food with the ALTs from my area which was extremely delicious. For those who have not experienced it, I suggest you try it. I usually get a meal that consists of nan (really good pita like bread) and a bunch of different sauces that you can get really mild or really spicy depending on your liking. They set the mood by having you sit in a little boxed in booth after taking off your shoes. There were giant, festive pillows and in this particular restaurant they had a hole cut out in the ground for you to put your feet. The other one I went was just a table and chairs. And of course there’s that crazy Indian music which I have decided I really enjoy.

After dinner we went shopping in a big mall across the street. I bought a funky looking Japanese vest thing that the other girls said I could pull off even though I was a little unsure…I also bought a vanilla ice cream bar for a mere 58 yen (58 cents). What a steal! I just couldn’t resist the delicious vanilla on a stick, I never can. My best purchase was “mood in cup” that’s all it said on the front of this candle box. Oh, and that candles burn up to four hour. Four hour, without the ‘S’. I loved it so much and it gave me such a good laugh that I had to buy it. I hope they set the right mood, because they didn’t specify what type of mood was in this cup. We will have to see. Some of the shirts make me laugh too, they are made in China so the English writing makes absolutely no sense. But no one cares because they have no idea what it’s saying! I guess their marketing scheme is ‘as long as looks like English, it is English! So sell it!’ I think we have a thing or two to learn from the Chinese.

I was just informed that I have to be at school on Sunday. SUNDAY! I think they are aware that is a weekend, but I feel like I should inform them. What an outrage, this would never happen in the U.S. We love our weekends way too much. Oh well at least I know I will be in the city for the first three days of next week. We have orientation which consists of more classes on info about Japanese language courses, speakers, teaching demos, tours of the castle, health, finance, and cooking. The best part of all is the beer garden party on Monday night and the pub crawl afterwards. I hope to stay in the city with one of my friends because it would be a pain to commute back and forth everyday. The city is only about a 20 min train ride from Matsubase, but I would rather just be right in the action while I can.I think I am hitting a stopping point. Finally, I know. So that’s the story of Jessica’s thrilling and wiiiild adventure in Japan. Ha. I will be back with more exciting tales of weird food and interesting people in the future. Until then ittemairimasu (goodbye but literally—I’ll go and come back)!

Squattie Pottie

2008-08-21T03:20:00.000-06:00

So I just did one of the most single uncomfortable things of all of my 22 years of life. I used the squattie pottie. It was just as I dreaded. Now, to most people this is not really a big deal, yet most people aren’t afraid of to going to the bathroom in public normally. Let me repeat: I am uncomfortable going to the bathroom in public places ANYWAY. So this just amplified my phobia. The only thing that was good about this completely terrible situation was that I was the only one in the bathroom.

For those of you who have never experienced the lovely “squattie pottie” you are in for quite the exciting treat. I had heard about it, I had read about it, but there is nothing that can prepare you for when the time comes that you actually have to use it. Here at the school it looks like a normal toilet except for the fact that the porcelain is IN the ground. And there is no seat to sit comfortably on. And it is awkward.

I guess that will be the first of many times I will have to use the great invention of the in-the-ground-porcelain. How exciting.

Today has just been one of those days. But before I get ahead of myself let me backtrack to when I arrived in Tokyo.

So we did a bunch of orientation stuff. Lectures basically about what your time might be like in Japan. Lectures about what might happen in Japan. Yet obviously lectures cannot prepare you for real life experience. So although it was very organized and somewhat helpful, they were just lectures. I met a bunch of people from all around the world—England, South Africa, New Zealand, all over the U.S…and we all had a 3 day honeymoon if you will. We were in Japan surrounded by people that were not Japanese. When we weren’t in lectures about saving money, teaching class, representing our countries well, and learning the Japanese ways, we walked around the city, hung out, ate and sang karaoke. It was really good to meet people, and I know I will be seeing my Kumamoto group in a few weeks. The hotel was great, the service was nice, the food was decent and the gajiin (foreigners) were plentiful.

Alas, as all honeymoons do, ours too came to an abrupt end. We flew out to our contracting organizations and we are now spread out all throughout Japan. Our group left yesterday morning and arrived in the great city of Kumamoto. From there our teachers whisked us away before we even had a chance to breathe and I have been going non-stop ever since. I came back the my base school—Matsubase (pronounced Mas-tsu-bas-ehh) with some teachers, students and my predecessor and from there went to my apartment to drop off some bags, and then to the train station. At my school I met a lot of teachers where my pathetic attempt at Japanese became inevitable and I received a lot of awkward smiles and stares. Which continue to this day. I am going to need to study some Japanese because when people are talking I feel as though I am not there or I am watching a bad TV show and I can’t find the remote.

I took the train into the city with Paul, my predecessor and another teacher from the school. Paul was extremely helpful until he left. At that point he ceased to be helpful. Then awkward town, Japan was in full throttle. The other teacher and I made some small talk (since I speak no Japanese and she spoke little English small was the biggest we could do) until I arrived at the station where my homestay family picked me up. Not that it matters now (or I guess it does), but I wish I would have paid a little more attention on my way to this staion because I had no idea where to get off (since the teacher helped me) and I have to do it again today by myself. I have no phone, no language and if I get lost I’m in big trouble. So let us hope for the best and pray for my life. Just kidding. Kind of.

My homestay family is extremely helpful and I could not have asked for a nicer group of people. The main lady (I can’t remember anyone’s name here and it’s driving me nuts) Hiroko I believe… is great and speaks a good amount of English. She is about 40 and single so she still lives with her parents. Very strange for us but I think that’s more the norm for single Japanese women. Her sister and her two sons were over last night which made for a very entertaining dinner. Everything is so different there that I am on constant alert so I don’t do anything wrong. I took a very interesting shower—it was like a little room with a bath in it. But you shower in the room, not the bath. The bath is for sitting in and relaxing after the shower. It’s confusing I know—I don’t even know if I did it right. I don’t know how it works honestly. It’s pretty cool, although I don’t know if I could use something like that forever. Just like everything here it takes some getting used to.

They feed me a giant dinner and I know that if I lived there for the whole year I would be fat. I don’t know how they aren’t. I think it’s the fact that although they eat a lot of food none of it is high in fat or sugar so it works…

We chatted and had tea after dinner, dessert and the shower and then I headed to bed as soon as they set up the futon for me. Thank the Lord there was air con in that room because I would have died in that heat while sleeping. It sure is muggy here. Luckily the staff room and the classrooms at the school have air conditioning, I really lucked out. Some schools don’t have any at all. Sleeping on basically the floor is going to take some getting used to, especially since my bed at home is the most comfortable bed in the world. Seriously. I will have a bed battle with you if you think that yours is more comfortable. And you will lose. I guess I shouldn’t be talking right now because I’m sleeping on a thin mat on the floor.

This morning my supervisor (I actually know his name!!) came and picked me up from my homestay’s house and brought me to school. From there some teachers spent about 2 hours trying to get me hooked up to the internet here (I still can’t get on my blog or facebook! L I’m writing this on word so I can transfer it to my blog later) and then my supervisor went to the bank for over an hour, and to the 7-11 ATMS forever and nothing seemed to be going right. It took us forever to set up an account and then I could not get any money to pay for my rent. At least I know that I will be a certified alien by the end of the week when I get my alien registration card. Being an alien is always comforting…

As much trouble as we had figuring things out the people have been SO nice. Unbelievably so. They even have a costumer service phone HOOKED UP to the ATM at the 7-11 so you can call if you have any problems. I never understand a word they are saying besides Hai (yes) which they say every 2 seconds, but I do know they are being nice!

We got to drive around town to complete these tasks and I got to see the beautiful country side. It is more green here than I have ever seen. Besides Hawaii. I can’t wait to start touring around (starting this weekend—my family is taking me to see either Mt. Aso, the biggest volcano caldera in the world or Kumamoto castle) and taking pictures. Gotta love the pictures.
I am sitting in the staff room right now and it is summer vacation but a lot of the teachers are still here. They work very hard even during the summer holidays.

Now I am in my homestay’s house and I am watching “The Golden Compass”, which is quite good although I just missed like an hour of it. I ate some squid, fish, rice, salad and some other things that I asked about but I am not sure what they are…It sort of tasted like spicy Jell-o…Very interesting. Ok now the dumb dog is barking at me like it’s never seen me before. I just saw you stupid! Geeze.

Back to earlier, thankfully I was able to catch the train and ride it to the right station for my homestay to pick me up. I got some help from some locals who could luckily speak English. It is amazing how many people speak English and how helpful they are. After we got back from the train station I wrote/read some e-mails on a computer that was crowded with Kanji and English letters. I had a hard time knowing my family is in Hawaii and I am not with them. It will be hard for me no matter where I am. I guess I can always go back to Hawaii…I think I am just starting to get homesick. According to the culture shock “guide” I will probably be in a more sad state in the next few weeks. It could last a short time or a long time, it just depends on who you are and what you do to get out of it. I am planning on trying to be productive and active by crying in my room watching movies. Just kidding! I am going to find the dang pool and swim and then see what clubs or sports are around these parts. As well as learn some Japanese.
After the e-mails we went to go find me a cell phone. Unfortunately the place we wanted was closed and all of the other phones were for a 2 year contract. So we are going to get one tomorrow that works.

In the past few days I’ve begun to understand how hard it would truly be if one was illiterate—you would not be able to get by without help all the time. It would be quite the pathetic existence.

I keep getting offered food and drink and I have just started turning it down because I am too full. I don’t know really how, I don’t feel like I am eating all that much, but I guess I am…? I hope she doesn’t think it’s rude. I am trying my best to do what they said about what is rude and what is not. Some of it surprised me a lot. Let me enlighten my readers who are still here.

Things that are rude in Japan:

Not reading a business card right after you get it
Putting soy sauce on your rice
Not wearing indoor shoes
Walking while eating (it actually means you are poor)
Talking on the phone on the train or subway
Not finishing all of your rice (which I did today but I’m not going to make my stomach hurt just to try not to be rude)
Putting your chopsticks straight up in your bowl (they do that at funerals)
Passing food between chopsticks (they pass the bones of their cremated relatives like that)

Interesting, eh?

Aw, the Dad here is so cute. He just got back from ballroom dancing. Which is really hard for them to say because they don’t have the “L” or the “R” sound like we do. They have been practicing saying it for a few minutes now. Melts my heart.

I am so glad this family is so helpful. I hope that I am not too lonely when I move into my apartment this weekend. It will be another thing I have never experienced before –living alone. I’m a little worried, but I think that it will be something I need to do. I think it is something that everyone needs to do at some point. I believe that people can learn a lot about themselves living alone and living with people. Which is why there is time in this life to do both!

I just flicked a pretty good sized ant. Speaking of bugs oh man are the cicadas LOUD here. And plentiful. There was even a butterfly in the store where we were looking at cell phones. It was a beautiful one too, I sure hope they didn’t kill it. We were all a little surprised it was in there. It was the one time I felt truly connected to people who don’t speak English. We were all laughing, which felt good. It’s been too long since I’ve actually laughed. I laughed at the bank for no reason besides the fact that it was just plain silly how they are so strict about their paperwork and they wear the silliest looking uniforms. Everyone does, I feel like I am in the 50’s or something, like in the movie Pleasantville. The police officers look the most ridiculous. Their little hats are so funny looking.

The other thing that is crazy is the driving. It’s on the other side of the road and I always forget. I keep getting thinking they are turning the wrong way. I guess I don’t have to worry about it since I won’t be driving, but it is hard to conceptualize. They love their box cars they are everywhere. So ugly.

I am beginning to crave English speakers’ contact. I have to talk in slow motion so they can understand me. But at least they can understand me. God knows that I don’t know a word they are saying. At least I got to teach my supervisor how to say “Oh man. I was totally spacing today!”, after he told me he had forgotten something. I then tried to tell him that sometimes I say I am a space cadet but that was completely confusing and there was no real way for me to explain it. I have also been teaching my homestay lady some English, and she has been teaching me lots of Japanese. Most of which I forget shortly after. I hope at least a few words stick with me.

This has to be the longest post ever. I have been writing this on word for a few days because I have not had the opportunity to transfer it over. I presume it will be a few weeks before I can because it takes two weeks to get an internet license here. You have to apply for it. I can’t even imagine the uprising back at home if we were to change that. It also takes way too much work for foreigners to get phones. I am now writing on Saturday (I think I started on Wednesday) and I tried to get a cell phone last night and I have to wait for my alien registration card to come to me. Again, they said that takes about two weeks. So I am phoneless and internetless (except for at school minus fb and blog) for the next two weeks. I don’t know how I will possibly survive. Makes life much harder, especially when I can’t talk to my mom :(

Yesterday was a pretty good day until later. I just stayed in the staff room in the morning until the English dept. head took me to my apartment and showed me what the buttons on the remote for the AC said as well as the TV. I grabbed some clothes and we headed to the closest convini (I don’t know if that’s how you spell it, but it’s a convenience store) and I got a bite to eat. I then went back to school where I tried to start making my first lesson on my introduction as well as wrote my speech for the staff that I will present on Monday. My supervisor then took me to city hall (for the third time) to sign some papers for my apartment and then he took me to lunch. We went to one of those sushi places where the food goes around on a giant spinning thing and you can choose what you want off of that. He ordered from the waitress though because it looked like most of the food on the conveyer belt had been sitting there all day. Lunch was good, and considering the language barrier, we seemed to do pretty well. He told me at one point that Maroon 5 was his favorite band and I couldn’t help but laugh.

After that I went back to school and some of the kids were there practicing for the festival in Matsubase so they wanted to show me what they were doing. They we spinning plates and bowls on long, thin sticks (I don’t think they told me the name of it), and they urged me to try. So I did—I gave it the old college try. I think I failed pretty miserably, but at least I tried. There were a few times where I started to get it spinning and I got an applause from the audience, so at least they were being nice about my miserable failing. I love talking to the kids, it makes me excited for school to start. There’s less awkwardness and they aren’t afraid to practice their English. At least the ones that I’ve met thus far aren’t. I’m sure that will change in the classroom. Every high school girl that I have met so far thinks I am “beautiful” or they say I am “cute-a”, there’s a little “a” sound there at the end. I just laugh and thank them. And say oh how you are so wrong. Just kidding, I don’t say that.

After that my supervisor dropped me off at the train station again and I took the train to Kumamoto and from there I took it to Tatsudaguchi where my homestay lady picked me up. Although I have now done this three times, I still get nervous that I am on the wrong train. So I always ask someone by just saying the name of the station, pointing to the train, and when they nod I say “Arigato gozimasu” (means thank you, you don’t pronounce the “U”). I have a very sophisticated system.

When we got back we went to the cell phone place where we stayed for over an hour trying to get a damn phone. There were multiple problems; money, contract length and the fact that I am not yet a registered alien. Therefore apparently I have no rights. So I wasn’t allowed to get a phone. At one point I wanted to say a slew of cuss words (which probably would have been ok since no one would have been able to understand me), but I refrained and just smiled and thanked them when I left. It’s so hard to be rude when everyone else is so nice. So I can’t have a phone for two weeks which made me almost cry in the car on the way to dinner because I want to talk to my family so badly. It will be almost a month by the time I hear my mom’s voice and that is NOT ok.

I was able to hold back my tears the rest of the drive to dinner. We went to Mai Thai which was SO good, I felt better almost immediately after our food arrived. I know, sad that food can make me forget all of my worries. Unfortunately it is just a temporary fix, I know I will become frustrated again soon enough. We had pretty good conversation, I am beginning to feel much more comfortable around Hiroko and although we have trouble expressing what we want to say, we always figure out how to say it (she even has an electronic dictionary that she carries around just in case she cannot say a word). We then went to see her sister and her sons play a little volleyball at a hot and stuffy gym, yet we were so tired we only stayed for about ten minutes before heading home and going to bed.

Today I have time to just relax (and write) because Hiroko has some music lessons to teach in town and her parents are both gone for the day. I am going to take a shower and I was going to use the internet, but Hiroko forgot to enter her password on the computer in her room so I have to wait for her to get back. Just another annoyance when it comes to technology. When she gets back we are going to go to Kumamoto castle—a very old and giant castle about 30 minutes away from here, and then they are having a BBQ tonight. It sounds like a small crowd will be there, most of which I will not be able to talk to. Oh well, so it goes.

Tomorrow I will be going to my apartment to live, my homestay family is taking me and then taking me to the store where I will probably be completely overwhelmed. I can regretfully say that I cannot cook anything other than grilled cheese and pasta, so this should be an interesting experience. Later I will have to practice riding my bike to school from my apartment so I don’t get lost tomorrow on my way to work. So there’s my first (well first REAL) week in Japan. A lot of small frustrations, yet nothing major and it should all be smoothed out in time. It is hard to say now, but I can say with a little confidence that I will hopefully become comfortable and happy in this town. Right now it is still freshly overwhelming.

Until my next 6 page story…Sayonara!

Water logged

2008-07-10T22:22:00.003-06:00

It's true--I'm writing. And I have a little bit of time to write. I wish I could relax but I have a really weird issue plauging me right now which I will not disclose to my trusty reader(s)...

Alas! That will not stop me from displaying other random thoughts and brilliant ideas. First things first, I got accepted to the program I applied for so I'm going to Japan! In 16 days. And I'm freaking out. A lot. I'm not really ready at all. But I am excited, and I'm trying to imagine what my life is going to be like, but as hard as I try I can't. It's a damn shame I can't speak any Japanese, that would probably be helpful.

Is it bad that I am too lazy to get up and turn up the TV that I can't hear that's right in front of me? Lazy and sad. I've lost hearing at such a ripe young age. What a shame.

Well today was an exiting...EH! The dead alien just came alive! Ok sorry, I'm watching Hellboy. Never seen it but it's pretty interesting. As I was saying, today was an exciting day. Just riviting. I counted laps people swam (it's a swim-a-thon for a good cause) and then I taught lessons, then worked, then taught more lessons, then swam a little, then went to a meeting and then to Pirate's Cove! I had a surprisingly good time swimming with all the little kids at the pool. And getting in trouble like a little kid too. I am water logged and exhausted to say the least. So why am I here you might ask. Because Hellboy is on! No, not really, I'm gonna have to turn it off and hit the old sack. Oh but the giant squid! Ah! It just ate him! Ha, I like those little smart-alec one-liners they always say like "this is gonna hurt" or "I'm gonna be sore in the morning" after they just fought a huge battle or something. It's fun to count them. Die Hard is a good one with a lot of those.

I want to create a mixture of something really good. Not necessairly food, but something good. How about a big huge fluffy bed with a giant comforter (how do you spell that?), a good book, a sexy man who can get out of the bed for me and get me things that I am too lazy to get, a hot chocolate, perhaps some comedian playing the background or maybe just every once in a while and in the meantime some good soothing music. Ok, I guess there was food in there, but I cold have been worse with it. I wanted to but then I thought that it would be a hassle to eat on my fluffy bed that I imagined to be white for some reason.

Ok. My brain is turned off. Obviously. I can't even keep my eyes open.

Goodnight!